McNova Sizing

WITH THE release of what seems to be a stunning new DHV-2 wing, NovaX International have once again flown in the face of public opinion and maintained their controvertial sizing strategy. The new wing will be available in the usual NovaX sizes XXXXS, XXXS, XXS, XS & S, once again confusing the buying public.

Average size pilots can already be seen quietly sneaking into their PG stores and trying to pre-order the new wing with the whispered phrase, "Give me an extra-extra-small one", while at the other end of the very same counter guys the size of Sumo Wrestlers can be heard confidently flopping their bellies on the counter and proudly shouting, "I'd like a Small please".

The NovaX policy of messing with the sizes has been around for years now, and it is with the release of the new NovaX "McPhat" that it has finally become obvious where they got their inspiration from. Although on the surface the name appears to relate to the Egyptian god of "light salads with a piece of toast" we at Pie believe we have uncovered a hidden meaning.

For years it has been impossible to buy a small McDonalds burger, and likewise, it has become impossible to buy the Fat Boy wing size from NovaX. We spoke to marketing guru Janet Lovely of Satchel & Satchel. "Sizing is just a marketing issue", she said, "and from the look of it, NovaX have simply applied the inverse-McD-rule". She went on, "It makes you feel that your burger is bigger, and your wing is smaller. The more successful McD's are at fattening the population, the more pilots will feel they need a NovaX sized wing to feel good about themselves. In 5 years, who will want to buy a Large Hairwave Mustard VI when they could get a Small NovaX McPhat III?" She continued blabbing about a load of other shite, but we had already stopped listening. She had told us what we wanted to hear. Deep down we had known it all along, it was NovaX marketing bollocks, pure and simple.

Hands Pampas, chief designberger, was again unavailable for comment, but we did find Jonathon Shylock, NovaX Marketing Suit. "If you don't like our naming and sizing concepts, you can piss off", he said, clearly not wanting to be questioned on the subject.

He was, however, rather keen to raise another issue. "At the release of every new NovaX wing we get requests to create literally hundreds of size ranges", he said, "It seems everyone has been brainwashed into thinking that a wing can't fly, or will kill you, if you're not in the top 5% of the weight range. God knows why, but hell, that's pilots for you, all science and no art". Clearly having a bad day, he continued "Have you seen how 90% of pilots fly? It's going to make fuck all difference if they're 20Kg over the top or under the bottom anyway".

"We came up with a great plan in the sales department", he continued, "We figured we should start offering bespoke wing sizes to these plonkers. For the special price of 12,000 Euros we would make one especially for them, fully tested & DHV approved, it would be easy money. We would just ask for their weight and then make it for them, for example, a pilot of 70Kg would get a wing with a weight range of 69-71Kg. We were dead confident it would keep them quiet, that was until Hands pointed out to us that they would also be in the bottom 50% of the weight range and that they probably wouldn't be happy about that either."

By the way, if anyone from NovaX reads this, Team Pie would love a 65-85Kg McDHV2 to demo in central Spain as we think it's likely to be an ass kicker of an XC machine assuming it doesn't cravat easily.

Please.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

Stuffed Turkey

TIME WAITS for no man says the famous proverb, and just to prove it Christmas is almost upon us once again. Can you believe it?

No matter whether you love it or hate it, you will most likely find yourself at a christmas party, so here at Pie we would like to do our duty and remind all pilots that drinking and flying just don't mix. Rumour has it, that a small continental beer or two might be acceptable at take off and that it might even improve the enjoyment of a summertime afternoon flight in the Alps, but just remember everyone, play it safe over Christmas.

Don't misunderstand us here, Team Pie are the first to stand in line for fun and merriment, the main reason you probably haven't heard about last years Pie Xmas Party is that that no-one can remember enough to relate the story. All we know for sure is that the company credit card was charged for a private helicopter charter and the purchase of 6 camels. We have since found several Turkish Massage tickets and 3 parachute bridles labelled Achmed's "Reach for the Sand" BASE Jumping School, definite signs that fun was had, although maybe less so for the camels.

On a more serious note, our advice over the holiday period is to try to plan ahead where possible. If you find yourself with a group of fliers and you're off out on a bender, allocate a designated pilot at the start of the evening to make sure he'll get you all home safely. If no-one wants to be Sober Simon, you can always book tandem flights in advance, especially when you know everyone is likely to be drinking to excess. Don't wander out into the streets at 3am hoping to flag down a tandem on spec, have it pre-booked. Don't leave it to chance.

Please, if you do find yourself at a party with a few drinks down and thinking, "I've only had a couple, I'll fly home, no problem", just try and resist it. It really is asking for trouble. Most, if not all, 2am paragliding disasters start with "I'll be OK, I feel fine", and end with the loss of an IPPI licence, a night in the police cells and a tree-landing video on youTube.

If you think the evening could become epic and maybe turn into an "all-nighter" or even a "weekend event", then it can often be useful to have a list of local guides on hand. They are always happy to be contacted day or night and will usually come out at short notice to act as paid XC-guides. They can be expected to call on many years of experience with the local conditions and will both guarantee a good night out and a safe final glide to bed. The younger fly-guides, usually from the mediteranean countries, can also assist in finding a final-glide partner allowing a little late night horizontal ACRO.

If things don't work out as planned and you do find yourself out there wandering the hills in your underpants at 4am with a PG rucksack on your back, a sprained ankle, a camel in tow and no recollection of how you got there, then try to remember the three-in-one Pie-approved Alpine Survival Technique; "lie down and wrap yourself in your wing", "get a few hours sleep" and then "get to the nearest bar and have a large whisky". Works every time.

Don't be a statistic this year. No soaring while smashed.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

The Speeding Bullet

IS IT a bird, is it a plane? No, it's a Frenchman in a condom.

Yes, that's right readers, French Letters are back in fashion in the form of the new "Coqoon Sportif". This latest piece of engineering genius is being developed by "Lucky Luke" Ardant in conjunction with Air France Toiletries S.A and Fun Animal Balloons Inc, Florida.

None of the journalists here at Pie had ever seen anything like this before, so we were desperate for the facts.

It was difficult, but we finally found someone who could keep a straight face long enough to speak. He told us that the project is well on the way towards production and that a planned release date for the new "Coq", as it is becoming known, has been fixed for early next year. He couldn't be specific with respect to pricing, but he was confident it would be no more than 250 Euros for a pack of 3 and at only half a kilo, a "paquet" of three will easily fit into an average wallet.

We managed to collar Jean-Paul Loopiere one of their test pilots for a brief comment. "Last saturday I got lucky", he said in broken English, "Conditions were marginal and I don't think I would have penetrated without the "Coq". J'étais being blown for 10 minutes or peut-être and I found I could push out much further than before". He continued, "It's positivemently smooth, man, so clean through the air. You can feel the drag falling off. It's a great sensation, so sensative, like being silicon lubricated or quelque chose."

Technical details of the new "Coq" are a little sketchy due to the secretive nature of the project, but as far as we can tell there seems to be "instrument access" just below the pilots navel, and a "ballast dump" facility towards the rear. We've also heard rumours about the optional extras that are likely to be available from your dealer, such as a papier-mâché steering system, a sunglasses holder and a place to stash your Gitanes, but we can't confirm these as yet.

We have it on good authority that the "Coq" will be available in a variety of guises targeting different sectors of the paragliding market. Initially, the plan is to release the "Coq" in standard form using the street tested names, "Gossamer" & "Elite", suitable for first time users and those who want a natural feel to their enclosed flying. The initial release is due to be quickly followed by the "Featherlight", "Sensation" & "Performa" models specifically tailored for top competition pilots. Beyond that they have plans for the "Extra Safe" model which, apparently, will allow pilots to fly with rear-mounted reserves.

We have, however, heard some rather discouraging reports relating to recent test failures. For the DHV1-2 pilot they have been struggling to find a solution since the wind tunnel disaster of the "Ribbed" model, and apparently the least said about the in-flight insect problems they've had with the "Fruity Flavours" designs the better.

Play safe people.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

Winter's Here

AS USUAL at this time of year we find ourselves at a bit of a loss. What are we going to do now that winter has set in? That's the question here in the northern hemisphere offices of Pie in the Sky. What to do?

The wing has been checked over and the reserve repacked. The cow shit has been scraped off the harness and the batteries removed from the electronics. So now what?

We know what you're thinking, there must be lots of things to do. After all, non-flyers do things with their days don't they?

Indeed.

What shall we do when we can't fly? How do we fill that time as we clockwatch once again? What are we going to get up to waiting for spring to roll around once again? What indeed? Things to do to fill the time. Things to be getting on with to occupy our minds, to keep our hands busy. Things that don't involve flying.

If you have any ideas please mail them to the pie office using the link at the bottom of the page. We might be good, but we don't have the answer to every fucking question.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

Tree Landings

EVER WONDERED what it's like to actually screw it up so bad you go in?

That's right, trees. Those big, green, spiky buggers that seem to surround us wherever we fly. Most of us at sometime have been close to going in, plenty of us have come away with a few branches and some of us have even bounced off 'em. Now this is a subject close to the heart of the Pie Chief Editor as only this past year he took a metre off the top of an oak tree stalling it into a postage stamp of flat ground surrounded by forest, on top of a pass, in rotor. That's right, on top of a pass in rotor, and yes, that does take some sensationally fucked up planning.

But what about those that actually go in, those that don't get so lucky?

"Well, you're gonna lose a nut at best", said Lefty McSwagger, the famous outback settler and Canadian XC pilot. "We all think we can get away with it, and so often we do, but it's just a matter of time you know", he continued in his whiskery way, "You can fly the logging country for 10 years and think you're untouchable and then one day you come back and you're not quite the man you were".

"Once you know you're going in", he went on, "Best thing to do is just get into the arms-open, bear hug position, keep the speed up, close your eyes and kiss your left nut goodbye. I did, and look at me".

Seeking an alternative viewpoint we spoke to West Canada Wilderness Commision spokesman, James "Howlin Wolf" Algonkian. "Well, from the trees perspective it's a real bummer, man", he said "we don't think they like it at all".

Realising our mistake, we got back on message and caught up with world famous stuntman, Joey "Ice Man" Pfarr for some further, more appropriate comment. "Ever since my stunt in Valle de Bravo, people just come up to me on the hill and ask for my advice", he said.

"People seem particularly interested to understand the technique I used to get that 10cm twig from my lines", he continued, "although I do get the feeling they just don't understand how dangerous it was. I mean, I was dangling in a life threatening position 50m up a wobbly spruce tree. To remove a 10cm twig in those circumstances takes self control and persistance you know, and all this was preceded by a 500m reserve ride remember. No-one seems to remember how in-control I was under that reserve and the succent and precise radio transmissions I was making. I was there man, they were just watching on youTube for christ sakes. Why can't the bastards just leave it, it's been over a year and a half now."

It's all right Joe, we understand. We've been confused in this sport ourselves, you're among friends here.

"Mind you", he added, "it's lucky I didn't lose a nut".

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

The Name Change

AS SOME of you may know, the worlds sole remaining superpower can be very decisive when it wants to. It can mobilise its $400billion army in mere weeks, it has landed men on the moon, it can photograph a licence plate from space and it can even give you your money back if your fries are cold. Pretty impressive, but here at Pie we think there are times when, quite frankly, they haven't got a fucking clue what they want.

The guys down at the US Hang-Wing-Floaty Association (USHWFA) have been considering a name change and we've all been watching from a distance. To some it's simply interesting, a diversion maybe, but to many of us it's been a rather amusing affair. To summarise, the association has simply been grappling with the concept of "Making sure your name represents your membership", and like most other grown-up organisations they are learning to adapt through time. As is usual in these cases they can't decide for sure what they do, who they represent and if they can define it properly.

The US are, as always, a few years behind everyone else as they clearly wish their in-house fighting to be available online through the use of the latest "as-it-happens" technologies. When the Brits went through this same undignified process 10 years ago, it was mainly done behind closed toilet doors using rumour and gossip as the main means of communication and maybe a bit of email bouncing off the EuroPG list server. Americans should take note though, the Brits did screw it up sufficiently enough to end up with 2 associations, the BHAP, a national association representing HG & PG pilots, and the BHCP, a national council representing a small group of people who got all upset because they didn't get what they wanted. The Yanks, however, are playing this one out in widescreen, and it's all available for download on a broadband link near you. Dimpled chads and all.

Salvation is at hand though, dudes. Unlike the Brits 10 years ago, the Yanks have "Pie in the Sky" to offer a helping hand and it is with great pride and a feeling of just wanting to help out some old friends that we at Pie would like to present a solution. That's right we've got the name for your shiny new association. The US Unpowered Pilots Flying United in Common Knowledge Amalgamated Society, the US-UPFUCKAS. That's right, it's us up fuckas.

Just imagine the members renewed sense of purpose on the hill, "Who are you?" the wuffos will ask, "It's Us Up Fuckas", will be the cooler than cool reply, and when the time comes that you need help filling out that insurance claim, "Who you gonna call? UpFuckas, that's who". When you need to renew your membership just get on the phone and dial "1-800-UpFuckas", no problem remembering that phone number now. Think about it, the marketing opportunities are positively endless, the kids these days would love to be a member of the "UpFuckas Possie", the membership would soar and the merchandising will fly off the shelves. Most important of all though, the "www.usupfuckas.com" website is still available, so there'll be no upsetting your membership by choosing one of those mickey-mouse internet addresses. With a ".com" in the bag the members will always find your website first time, it won't be necessary to try ".com", ".org", ".info", ".net" or ".aero" when they want to read your latest updates.

Keen to street-test our new proposed name we popped into Gory Pines and got some on-the-hill opinion. Although we didn't get much comment, here's what the locals had to say:

   "What? They changed the name to USHPA in March, you dumb-fucks."

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

Corporate News Just In

JUST AS we were going to the presses, a developing story hit our desks. We are hearing early rumours that two of the worlds big players in the vario market are in buyout talks. Browniger is being bought by FlySpec and we're hearing a rumoured price tag of 2.7 billion dollars.

Desperate to confirm this news we contacted market analyst Charles Bentley of KMPG. "This has come as a major shock to the markets, old chap", he said, "but investors seem mildly confident of the outcome, as shares have shown a day-on-day increase of 14% especially in after-hours electronic trading."

Er.

"Our main concern here at the trading desks is that it has set off high volume futures trading with limited short sell options available", he continued, "and with the notional rights not fixed in this way, we could be in for a slide as the market grows both less deep and more liquid. Remember, varios are a spot market, and we're expecting above average levels of default before settlement."

Woah. We had to stop him there as we'd effectively gone parachutal.

"Ok", he explained, "put simply, people really think they can guess the name of the new company, right? There's only two ways they can keep this new company together and that has to be as either 'Browntec' or 'Flynigger'. Here at KMPG our feeling is that neither the investors nor the customers are going to like that very much."

Ah. Good point.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

Spring Thermals

IT'S NEVER too early for a good piece of advice. That's the motto in the Pie offices.

In a vain attempt to fill up some ad-space we couldn't sell, we are re-running the same old tat we do each year. Only here at Pie we like to beat the competition and get our advice in early.

From this year on we will be specially contracting young trainee reporters to give the same old shite a re-working and hopefully add some zest to the look and feel of the usual annual reminder not to kill yourself. So here goes then.

Hi, smack heads, Chaz 'ere. Christmas is behind ya and the flava of the munf is; springs comin' surf dudes. But hey, Chaz is slidin over to tell you we've got some vibes that April and May can be bumpy, if you know what I mean. Really thermal-rich, pop-topping stuff the streets is tellin me. So take it easy on them sites bruv or we'z goin to be scrapin you up wivva spade. Remember bro, you ain't comp level stuff ya know, and you ain't had your arse in a sling since October, so you isn't on top form like. You know it. Later.

Well, that wasn't too bad. Maybe next year then.

Please note the absence of the word "punchy" in a "Spring Thermals" article, a world first?

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

New DodgiFly Varios

THE NEW DodgiFly vario is now shipping. That's right, at last, it's shipping. The "Perfectino" went on sale this month after significant production delays and much discuzzioni about chip supply.

"It's been a long time coming, but thank god we finally found the problems and fixed them", said Leonardo Armani, another sales and marketing twat stating the obvious. "But enough of that rubbish", he continued, "I'd like to focus attenzzioni on some of the outstanding, ground breaking features of our new model, the Perfectino". So we did.

It's available in red, blue, green and that off-white colour similar to the one your wife chose for the bathroom. Quite frankly, the uber-tecno-geeks from Pie-Labs© were pretty damn impressed by the application of technology. Apparently the new device can locate thermals, track them, list them and sort them by size, location, colour and flavour, but most interestingly, it can do all this from over 10km away.

The new TwatPilot© feature adds the functionality to even tell you when to leave a thermal and go on-glide, with the simple audible warning "You are entering cloud, turn left now".

If you put it in "AbsolutelyUselessWanker" mode before takeoff, it will automatically download the GoogleEarth Maps, 3D Topographic overlays and the location of all known coffee shops in your local area and proceed to pre-process the data as you clip in. It will then detect when you grasp the risers, and issue various pieces of advice, such as "You may enjoy your flight more if you head west", or "Launch now, it doesn't get any better than this" and even "Remember to enjoy yourself. Don't listen to me all the time, dickhead".

Once in the air the device has a few more surprises up its sleeve. A perfect example of which is the replacement of that annoying "beep-beep-beep" when you're in lift. This great little gadget gives out advice and tips such as, "Don't lose it", or "No, the other left" or "You'll blow it in a minute, I know you will" and the soon to be classic "Ok, lets move down the valley and try to find a really fat core shall we".

Here at Pie we were really pleased to discover that the annoying "brrrrr" drone, when sinking, is replaced by the motivational "What the fuck are you doing? You'll have us on the ground in 5 minutes if you keep this up".

But that's not all folks, Leonardo from DF was keen to let us know they were working on next years models already. Apparently the new model, codename "Carpetino", will be a hot one and he let slip the fact that it could also replace existing PG hardware, including the actual wing. He was bold enough to tell us that they have already improved the power-on systems with the introduction of their new patented "3-rubs" technology.

We'll just have to wait and see.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

Pac-a-Mac Devils

TOP MANUFACTURER Pac-a-Mac Technologies have announced their full lineup at last.

"We have been waiting for this all year", said industry commentator Steve "RandomlyHappy" Uzbekistan. "I test flew the ENVY in March when it first came out, and was really impressed. I can't wait to get my hands on the other 6", he said in an unnervingly excited way.

The full lineup may be viewed at your leasure on their website and includes the PRIDE a shiny new DHV-1, the LUST their latest DHV 1-2, the ENVY the tested DHV-2, the ANGER a full-on DHV 2-3 and the GREED a balls-out DHV-3 speedster.

For those who like the pies and don't know what a salad looks like, you will be well catered for within the lower weight ranges of the new GLUTTONY tandem wing, or you could choose to chill out in the peace and quiet under the SLOTH, their latest PPG wing (ear defenders included).

After noticing a somewhat supernatural trend to the naming conventions adopted by MacPants Technologies we sent Pie reporter Shaun "Nib" McWurter to get some expert guidance. Shaun soon found himself in church of all places, chatting for a hour or two with the Right-Reverend Patrick O'Livingstone of the Upper Nile Delta Mission & Lyme Regis Parish Church (Sundays only).

To summarise the holy advice as succinctly as we possibly can, "My dear boy, etc... maybe it's not such a good idea to piss off your chosen deity when hanging from 0.7mm threads at cloudbase."

"Right on, Padre", we say, and good luck to all you Pac-a-Mac pilots. See you in pergatory.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

Indian Success Story

REPORTS HAVE been filtering into the Pie office recently that there is an Indian manufacturer of flight garments that produce top-notch gear, rivalling any of the current European and American tat currently available.

Keen to see if this was true and amazed by the online images of Cordera©, the famous Spanish sheepskin, we placed an online secure credit-card order for the hi-spec "Elvis" flight suit. It was retailing at the amazing price of $25, a clear 100 bucks cheaper than their nearest rival.

No sooner had we pressed the confirm button, but we found our bank accounts emptied, and a monthly supply of Amsterdam XXX porn delivered to our door, all courtesy of those good fellows at "Spicy Suits". Clearly the porn is this months special offer, and a big thank-you for that, but we were concerned about our bank accounts.

Anita "Flaps" O'Flannigan, our secretary, phoned them to find out what was going on, but obviously they're so busy making the top-notch gear they don't have time to answer the phone. We'll keep you posted.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

"RearGuard pour Femme

WELCOME TO the new world. It seems that women are about to arrive at our launch sites in their thousands. That's right, it's the news we've all been waiting for and it's all thanks to the "RearGuard pour Femme, by Elisabeth Harden", the latest creation from those marketing wizards at U-Stern. Manufacturers have clearly been reading the wrong magazines for decades, but those market-spinning wankers at U-Spin have been at it once again. They've even street tested their new catchy marketing tag, "RearGuard pour Femme. Just feel yourself".

Luckily your reporting team here at Pie are above all that marketing shite, we know what our readers want, we're only interested in the naked figures. We contacted U-Turd chief stylist Ernst Van-Truble for some technical details.

"We had been searching for something new for ages", he told us in perfect english, "but it wasn't until this blonde babe came into the shop and bent over the counter that the idea hit me".

"It had been staring me in the face all the time", he continued, "what we needed was a little something for the ladies. We went straight out and grabbed the first 20 women we could find and asked them what they liked and how they liked it. The results were an eyeopener, I can tell you. We had to rule out a whole raft of crazy shit before we realised that us men know better."

Pie reporter Josephine "Fifi" Lentement rapidly ran out of patience with these idiots and decided to take a look for herself. Gone are the tough 35kN risers, they've been replaced by red ribbons with matching double bows just above the 2nd cascade of each brake line. The brake toggles have been swapped out for new hypo-allegenic, non-animal tested sheepskin mittens and directly below the brakes on the right D-riser we discovered a mobile phone holder in the shape of a cute panda, stunning work.

Best of all, we felt, was the simple and yet ingenius vanity mirror that they have somehow managed to pre-fit to the left A-riser which they claim is adjustable in-flight. German technology is Vorsprung it would seem. Apparently, attachments are also available to allow in-flight storage of throw-pillows and various cuddly toys, but we couldn't hang around any longer as we desperately needed a beer.

Interestingly, we noted the new wing sizes chosen by the U-Bend marketing specialists. Gone are the traditional XS-XL sizing that we are familiar with, now we have to adapt to the new sizes. In the US the sizings are 30-22-32, 34-24-34 and 40-32-44 and in europe the sizes are Petite, Cute and Cuddly.

When we found out that supermodel Kate Floss had been signed up to be the new "face" for the "Rearguard" ad campaign we just couldn't help ourselves. We caught up with her at the FluggelHorn takeoff as she was being strapped into a cerise & lavender harness. "They never tell me anything", she said. "They came to me with half a mill in cash and a kilo of powder and told me I was the new face of UpTurn. Fuck knows what I'm doing here freezin my tits off in Austria, not exactly a beach in the Bahamas is it?"

"When they were babbling on about wings I thought it was a new brand of tampon", she continued, "By the time I found out the truth I'd spent the money and blown half the snuff". She then proceeded to ignore us and talk to a gay bloke called Kevin.

Well, by now we'd had about enough of this bollocks, so we contacted Chris IchiCrotche, one of the more shy & retiring americans we know. He told us, "Looks like they've just taken the same old crap they sell to the fat men and are trying to re-market it to the thin women. Maybe it'll help stop all the blatent ladish sexism in this sport, though".

Praise the lord for some sanity at last, although we didn't quite understand what he meant about sexism.

Remember, if you order your "RearGuard pour Femme" before December, you'll get a free years subscription to Kozmo, the Polish Acro Mag and a weeks supply of moisturising balms. Wow.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

XC Mag goes Native

HAVING HAPPILY printed info about the lastest PG twaddle on any old paper for years, "Crass Country" magazine have proudly changed to 100% recycled paper and are printing their latest glowing words of wisdom using meat-free, steroid-safe, organic tofu instead of the traditional inks.

We have it on good authority that although it now smells different, it can still be read in the traditional manor. On the toilet.


Keen to dispel early rumours "Grass County" chief bloke and all rounder, Bob "Anything But" Dreary told us, "Well, it wasn't just to keep the hippies happy you know. That's not our style, never has been. Oh no. At least not since the Winchester and Newbury launch-clearing fiascos of '96 & '98."

He went on "The planet is our responsibility, it's our inheritance to our children and we all have a part to play in ensuring the planet returns to a self contained unit with a sustainable future. What? Oh, that's me". Then he stopped.

Unfortunately, our interview was cut short as the check-in queue started moving forward for his long-haul 747-400 flight to Manilla where he was due to report on the latest developments in rip-stop nylon wing fabrics and the new tetra-poly-propyl-hydra-penta-carbon-5 Dyneema replacement racing lines.

Insiders at "Crass Cuntry" (ouch!) have told us that early prototypes included printing with Ketchup and Bulls Blood, but both test runs ended in disaster involving various household pets, several family members and at least one stomach pumping at the local A&E.

Added advantages of the new tofu based printing have also been reported, claiming that it can be boiled down with sweet'n'sour sauce (10 pages per teaspoonful) to provide a lovely side dish for most chinese cuisine. Latest reports, however, do suggest it does make you fart. You have been warned.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

Standards are a changin'

WELL IT'S started. The new european standards are up and running and testing is already being carried out by at least one LightBlue Testing House and the DVH are trembling in their jackboots.

It's true folks, those quaint old folk down at the EEC-CEE-emc² have decide to apply their light touch to paraglider certification and it's going really well. Oh yes, really well.

"The new certification standard EU15-123.5623.78/PG/i/12.99 Rel 1.90 (part II) has been printed and is flying off the shelves", said Valerie duShag Villeneuve, PR rep with We Love Trees Inc, the sub-contractor for all EU standards worth less than 1000 euros/year and needing more than 10000 sheets of paper per volume.

"Everyones talking about it", she continued, "Just go to any hill and ask the pilots. You don't even have to be a pilot you know. I'm not."

So we did. We went to Annecy, Piedrahita, the Long Mynd, Torrey Pines and that little takeoff alongside Brighton which only works in a sea breaze, you know the one.

We had a lot of replies, and here's a representative sample;

"What? Eh? Get back! The prop on these things will kill you!"

"What? EC-what? I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Now piss off."

"What? No idea. Mine's a DHV-2."

Amazingly the DVH were available for comment. "Well, we knew it would happen eventually", said Klaus TestMier, "It just upsets us that it's those miserable un-regulated French bastards that are behind it all. Over."

"They're nicking all our good ideas, you know, it's downright theft", he went on, "and what's more, they get all the fun down there, they've got the Alps and everything. It's just not right that they get to set the standards for everyone too. It's always been the Germans that set rules, everyone knows it. It's because we're good at it. Over."

"Roger that", we say.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

New DHV 1-2

IT IS rumoured that Hairwave stylist Bruce Goldwyn-Meyer is taking time out from his comb, scissors and the re-design of the new 1-2. After months of design work it is rumoured they only have the name left to choose. We caught up with him at Heathrow Terminal 2 departure lounge.

"We realize now that the naming convention we chose 5 years ago was not exactly a wise decision. We started with the 'Sport', followed by the "not so Sport II' and finished up with the 'Downright Un-Sport III' and this clearly was not the way to go", he said.

An insider has told Pie that they are looking at reversing the logic over the next 5 years. Supposedly they will start with the 'Old', followed by the 'Not So Old II' and finish up with the ass-kicking 'Positively New Bastard III'. We'll just have to wait and see, or as BHAP Safety rep John "Jonners" Johnson said, "We'll just have to wait until the rules are changed again and everyone has to hoola under a different bar."

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

Speed Gliding Setbacks

KEEN NOT to let the fun continue the Swiss Police are getting in on the new SpeedGliding craze of "Bombing down a mountain and almost killing yourself" with the introduction of the new "SlopeCam" (see picture).

Leutnant-Oberst Franz Klammer of the Polizeidepertement spoke to the press yesterday saying, "Affter lotz of analiziz ve haff found zat the breaking off all zerr radioz is not stoppin zee pilots from zerr flyingz. From November ze first ve vill be issueing speeding tiketts on ze vay down zee hills."

"Ze location of ze speed cameraz is a zecret and one veech no amount of torturez can divulge."

It took Pie 60 seconds of browsing with Google to find the "www.swiss-slopecams.com" website which lists all known and future locations of the webcams. The available downloads should keep you up-to-date until next year when the new range of BraunRazoriger varios are due for release. The latest generation of varios will be SlopeCam-Aware© and it should be possible to programme-in an audible alert. Thus allowing pilots to keep their eyes on the slopes while flying down mountains at speeds over 200kph.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

New Acro Maneouvre

THE NEW hot acro sensation doing the rounds at this summers festivals has been the new maneouvre the "McDoughnut-Sugar-Twisted-Pomme-de-Terre".

Apparently, it's the latest invention of ACRO twins Jean-Pierre & Juan-Carlos Ushakeitov, from Weston-Super-Mare, England, and it's a tough one to get out of. Speaking to Pie at the weekend they said "Well, man, you know, normally you kind of go into an inverted spider and just hold the potato above your head, but with the new "Sugar Twisted" we found we needed to hold the right riser between the teeth while pulling on the outside brake with our left foot. It keeps the rotational energy high enough to counterbalance the whatsit, you see?"

Later on in the flying bar and speaking off the record Juan-Carlos told us, "Well, it's like this, I was trying simple wingovers over Valladares in June and all hell broke loose. The wing was everywhere I had no fucking idea what was going on or what to do about it. I just froze, you know, shitting myself. After, like ages man, I just went hands-up and it sorted itself out, like."

"I'd lost 3000ft in altitude and was crying for my mama when it came out on its own".

Unluckily for JC someone caught the whole event on video, and so the "McDoughnut-Sugar-Twisted-Pomme-de-Terre" was born.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

Parole Rights

IT IS coming to our attention that certain ex-cons in the US are being given unparalled access to free-flying sites as part of the new California Dept of Corrections "Keep em off the streets" rehabilitation campaign. John Tightwad, Chairperson of the California Free-Flying Association, was on-site and clearly not happy, "I had to dive into my kids college fund to get my last wing", he said. "and here are these car thieves & muggers getting them for free".

We sent our undercover photographer, Steve "Sidewinder" McShutter along to Marshall, California and he got these images of ex-cons obviously enjoying the smooth soaring conditions prior to using that 8.34567 glide ratio.

Please note the lack of any fully-functioning automatic speedbar retraction system in these images. Disgraceful.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

Nasty Rumour Circulating

THE RUMOUR that the weather actually turned out nice for a UK flying festival is still circulating and gaining momentum. People have been posting photographs of "gliders in the air" and then purporting to have taken the photos at the "Homegrown 2006 Puddle Jumping Games".

Keen to chase this up and put the rumour to bed, we did a little digging. We managed to collar Games organiser Justin Muchly, under his Burberry umbrella and running for his BMW, "What? Flying? Oh, I don't know about that sort of thing old chap, I just lease out my fathers field at 8 thou a week."

We also managed to catch up with acro superstar Raul Rolla Wingtip, who told us, "Flyin? Weeza here for de dope. Mi parapente esta en casa, tio"

So it's going to be pretty much up to Joe Paraglider to decide if any flying actually took place. Examine these exclusive images. Are they the real deal or have they been tampered with? You decide.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

eNova Re-Branding

INDUSTRY LEADERS were today absorbing the eNova International shock announcement that from 2007 they will be phasing out the catchy "oo" naming concept. One industry insider came outside to give us the inside info, "I just can't believe it", said Simon Whistle-Cartwright, "We've just got used to the -oo names and we had been looking forward to some real belters in the near future. Now they're just going to drop them, just like that".

Hands Pampas, eNova chief designberger, was unavailable for comment yesterday, however, we did manage to track down one man unafraid to comment, eNova test pilot Bendi Toner. He was quoted as saying, "Who gives a shit what they call them, just as long as they keep giving them to me for free".

Share prices in online gambling companies have soared since the announcement. "Clearly we're chuffed", said Stokem Johansson, senior analyst with betyoursalary.com. Pie-in-the-Sky has discovered that over 15M euros of betting had taken place based on false rumours that the 2006 eNova DHV-1 would be called the "NoPoo". It is also believed that 10M euros is riding on "GumBoo" or "HoldYoo" as the new tandem and 5M riding on the new upcoming PPG wing, current favourites being "ScramBoo" and "CantHearYoo".

eNova competitors seemed in upbeat mood as they arrived home after the Annual "Loop-a-de-loop" French fancy dress party held in Hilly du Troosers. Bruce Goldchain, Hairwave Stylist, was quoted as saying "eNova who? Got any paracetemol?"

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos