An Interim Report

AS MOST of you will know a SIVL CompSafNet Defcon 5 Task Force was setup a few months ago and asked to sort out all the problems that have recently blighted the world of on-bar, lee-side thermalling, small silver trophies and skinny wings.

A few months ago they went off armed with pencils and have now returned to put pen to paper. Or key clicks to keyboards perhaps. They promised an interim report. So they wrote one.

The long awaited interim report has been anxiously awaited by many competition pilots as it will recommend to the powers that be what options they have to choose from when defining how competitions will run in the future. Not only the comps, of course, also the wings that may be flown, by whom, when, where and how. Although we are reliably informed that paragliders of a single tether set are off the table.

Well, it's been finished and it's been submitted, and almost on-time. [impressive - Ed]
And, of course, it's been leaked, presumably by the Ozzies.

What a choice of font! Stunning. Those boys know how to make a presentation all right. Not only does it set the professional tone of the document at the right level, it leaves the reader with [enough bullshit, get on with it - Ed]

So to the all important content. Those who have the time to read the document will have already done so, but there will be pilots out there who simply don't have the time to read and digest the entire tome. Enter Pie, with one of our enterprise class executive summaries.

The Pie executive summary:

"Everything, within the bounds of common sense, that you can possibly think to change about wing class definitions, harness safety, pilot training, accident reporting, task planning, wing testing, task scoring and anything else related to the competitive side of our sport that may help improve safety is on the table to solve this almighty balls up.

Over to you SIVL. Choose one please." 

Well, that clears that up then.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

Material Crisis

IT RATHER seems that September is not a good month to be a paraglider manufacturer. You may remember Pie reporter Maribel "Rose" Culottes broke the "White Wash" story this time last year when she discovered some manufacturers were running short of Posher-9017 and using Y-fronts in EN-C's? Well, here at Pie we're getting that sense of deja-vu again. Once more, again.

Trawling the net for the latest news, leads and stories for our readers we stumbled upon a video of a wing still in development and we think we've uncovered something untoward. And we think it shows they've lost those rolls of white cloth again.

"Surely not?", we hear you say.
Well yes, we think they surely have.

If you examine the following still frame from a secret, never-before-seen video we found on Vimyo, we're pretty confident you'll agree something is amiss.

Amazing, isn't it? There it is. Right there, in red and white.

Due to their failure to implement a decent JIT supply system and have the right materials, at the right place, at the right time, for the right wing, they're going to attempt to con customers out of half their bloody wings. The nerve of these guys! Do they really think they can get away with simply not supplying the bottom sail?

We've handed our findings to the Trading Standards Institutits and await their reply.

Meanwhile, somewhat unsurprisingly, Blozone were unavailable for comment.
[it must be all that R&D - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Task Force II

WELL YOU'RE just not going to believe this one.

This morning we received a press release direct from Hollywood. Yep, direct from Hollywood. Amazing, huh?

At the time of going to press, we were unable to preview the trailer or confirm the movie plot beyond the press release we received. So it's anyone's guess as to what this movie is about.

Perhaps we can presume it contains something of interest to PG pilots. Maybe.

Here's the press release in full. You decide.

Quote:


.. Univursal Studio Pictures presents...

.. .. .. a Farcical Moments / SIVL Pictures Production...

.. .. .. .. .. of a Calvow All-Ridge Film...

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. in collaboration with Film Four, R11 Offshore Rigs and Snoozewell Hospital Beds LLC...

 TASK FORCE II - - - This Time It's Personal !!

After the failure of their first mission behind enemy lines, the boys are going back.
And this time it's personal.
And this time they're taking notes !!
(and guns)
(but mainly notes)

Picking up (the pieces of) where they left off in the first movie, Bruce Willis (Knutson) takes on the might of The Baddie (IsInDerGarden) over the "Testing Ground" that is CAT-1 territory. Overrun by enemy test wings this no-mans-land is no place for a girl, but nothing will stop The Bint (Joe Lyn) from keeping her man alive.

With the timebomb ticking, and future wing development at stake, can our hero save the day and grab an extra .3 glide? Will he be able to squeeze an extra 3kph top end into wind? Will he get off the speedbar before it cravattes this time?

When the going gets tough, the tough buy serial class. No shit !! Shit, No !!


 TASK FORCE II, the all-new Farcical/SIVL blockbuster starring...

Gregorial Knutson as "Bruce Willis"
Jorge Uweld is "The Organiser"
Jon Wolton is "The Notetaker" (legal and A4)
Gosh Cohen is "Jesus' Mum"
Loo Joe Lyn is "The Bint"
Mad IsInDerGarden is "The Baddie"
Hands Pampas is "The Designer"
Rusty Ogler is "The Pilot"
Tungsten Steal is "Mister Pink"

and introducing:
.. .. The Serial Killer as "himself"

Coming Soon To A Cinema Near You !!
(well, maybe next year) (or later)

There you go folks. Grab a Coke and a small popcorn because it sounds like it's going to be a roller-coaster of an action adventure movie !!

[I think I'll wait for the DVD, Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Naming Conventions

IT TRULY is amazing what we receive in the post!

Once again the postmaster general has brought us an anonymous tip which we feel obliged to share. Our French is terrible, but it does rather seem to be an official government form of some kind.

Make of it what you will.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

A Christian Interview

WE GOT it! That's right, the one they all wanted... we got. We got that late Thursday night interview with Christ Yan Moorer. Yep, the one they said would never happen. The one those hacks over at XC-Rag can only dream about and those mainstream TV anchors wouldn't think of putting on air, but here at Pie we don't give up easily, we stick with it to give our readers what they really want to read. Really, really.

After flying and running for the length of your average continent, Christ-Yan went on a bit of a bender with his support driver (Thomas Thingy-whatever) to blow off the stress and strain and ease those aches and pains. And let's face it, you'd need a fair amount of good quality alcohol to ease those aches don't you think?

So last Thursday we somewhat lucked out when we bumped into them in Monaco's famous "Big Tits 'N' Even Bigger Tits" club. This surprised us a little as we were led to believe the Christ was a quiet, unassuming man of modest character and a well balanced demeanor. So, WTF, always happy to get it where we can, we sat down to see if all that sponsors liquor was having an effect and speak to the newly crowned king of the mountains. (and Thomas Thingummy)

Luckily, we taped it. (as the whole thing came as a great surprise when we found the tape in our pocket the next morning)

The Pie-Christ interview:

Pie: What was your worst moment, if you had one? And the best?
CM: Well, right from the off, treading in that horse shit before even crossing the Salzburg River was a big downer for me. They were new boots and everything, and I knew they'd never be the same for the whole trip. And I lost my lucky Swiss Army knife on day three, a gift from Bruce Goldchain when we met in Oz a few years back. I really missed that every day. Oh yes, and of course there was the full frontal induced, cravatted spin 20m AGL on that lee-side ridge with a 70Kph headwind. But I went hands-up and it came out no problem. Yes, and running out of toilet paper on the Schnitzelhorn Ridge would also be in my top 10 but likewise, I went hands up and it... well... likewise.

Pie: And the best moments?
CM: Oh yes, well ten minutes before you came in that chick with the tassles, over there behind the redhead, gave me a lap dance and XC-Rag paid for it, so that's one for the diary I can tell you. Don't tell the missus. Oh, and the final touchdown when I hit the raft at Monaco. Great moment. Truly a relief.

Pie: You mean finally ending the torture and pain?
CM: No, just hitting the raft. Trust me, I'm fucking useless at accuracy, I couldn't hit a dart board with a beer bottle if my life depended on it. I spent more time practising spot landings than anything else during training. Hopeless I am, but just keep it to yourself ok?

Pie: Tell us Chrigler, do you have bigger balls than most pilots? Physically speaking, I mean, are they above average in size?
CM: Well, it's not the size of your balls that's important, is it? It's what you do with them. Having a large pair of balls is no use if you get yourself killed within a year of learning to fly, now is it. And you need to be comfortable in your harness in this sport. You fly, sort of, you must know this.

Pie: Are you fucking kidding? It must take an elephant sized pair of gonads to launch a two-liner off a cliff you've never seen before in a 50kph crosswind with no bail-out option of it doesn't come up straight?
CM: Well yes, ok, they're fucking huge. And hairy. You can quote me!

Pie: Another beer, or chaser?
CM: Oh yes, Red Bollox have got a tab, I'm having two of of each. Thomas! We need more drinks!

Pie: During the comp you flew 1300Km in 36 hours and ran 500Km in 85 hours. Are you fucking nuts?
CM: Clearly! Next question? Oh, thanks Thomas, and hey, remember, you're driving my friend!

Pie: During the comp you flew 1300Km in 36 hours and ran 500Km in 85 hours. Are you fucking nuts?
CM: No, not at all. It's all about physical training and mental preparation.

Pie: During the comp you flew 1300Km in 36 hours and ran 500Km in 85 hours. Are you fucking nuts?
CM: Well yes, clearly I am. There's no amount of physical training or mental preparation that can fully prepare you for the grueling onslaught of two weeks of that shit you know. Will that do?

Pie: What makes your glider so fast compared to the competition? How does it go so fast?
CM: Dunno.

Pie: Some say it's the pilot?
CM: Maybe, who is he? Is he good?

Pie: You're not human are you?
CM: No. never have been, never will be. Don't fancy it, to be honest. You humans are so weak and have a very limited capacity for just about everything except alcohol. My main worry is that by outclassing the entire field in this x-comp thing I might draw attention to myself and the Men in Black might come looking for me. Hey, that chick's eying me again...

Maybe we ran out of tape, maybe we turned it off, we'll probably never know. Either way, this exclusive interview has given us all a revealing look into the mind of probably the best pilot in the world.

You read it here first.

[Chrigel, you really are a bloody machine, congratulations (to all) - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Subliminal Messages

IT RATHER seems like there might be a little inter-team communications going on in the currently running Bred Bull X-Pulp competition.

Perhaps the organisers should be informed...

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Ghostly Visions

WE'VE JUST received a photo purporting to be from a well known West Coast flying site in the US of A. It was hand delivered to the Pie editor and we have to agree it seems strange.

At first glance it looks to be a simple photo of a grassy field, but on further examination it does seem to contain a ghostly shape. Strange!

In the general interests of the free flying community we would ask all pilots to examine the image closely and see if you spot anything out of the ordinary. Anything vaguely ghost-like, maybe.

If you do, we would ask you to mail us and let us know what you think it might be.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

The Machine

PIE IN THE SKY - rarely speechless!

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Tracivitis

HERE AT Pie we like to keep an eye on the general health of paraglider pilots and have recently been informed of a worrying trend.

Recently, the number of reported cases of what doctors call tracivitis, a recently discovered obsessive-compulsive disorder, have increased significantly such that we feel we should bring this to the attention of the general flying population.

Luckily, the symptoms are pretty easy to recognise so please take a long look in the mirror and see if you are suffering from any of the following; redness around the eyes, aching right wrist, difficulty sleeping, swollen right index finger, inability to use a laptop without the Googleearth plugin or a complete failure to recognise what your wife looks like any more.

If you find yourself suffering from any of these symptoms please try and confront the issue immediately before it takes over your life.

The General Medical Councils of most countries are offering the following advice; uninstall the Googlearth plugin from all your computer systems, throw your mouse away, remove all IGC & KLM files from your house, go outside for 5 minutes every hour during daylight hours, stop monitoring that PGF thread every five minutes, get a life or a girlfriend and, most importantly, go to the pub and drink a beer without your laptop or smartphone.

If all else fails and you find yourself unable to escape the evil clutches of this addiction, there are help groups and charitable organisations that can assist you with your fight, just Google tracivitis or Trackers Anonymous. Good luck!

We can only hope that this message and the advice from the worlds top medical experts will reach those in need before it's too late.

Pie in the Sky: helping addicts, one step at a time.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Also For Sale

For Sale:

Blozone Tantrum Are-11.
As new. Still crisp. Yellow/Red. Flown 5 times.
Always packed with care. Never taken a collapse (obviously).

Asking: 20 Euros
Will consider swap for Edell Space 27 or Hairwave Kiss M

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

For Sale

For Sale: 

Blozone Tantrum Are-11. As new. Still crinkly. Orange/Red.
Flown 4 times: 100km on practice day, 2 hour evening post-retrieve float to the pub, task 1 & 2.

Asking: 25 Euros, negotiable.
Will consider swap for bus ticket to Madrid on Thursday.


Wankers!
[they definitely get it now - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

CAT 1 Organiser Pack

THE NEW Pie in the Sky CAT-1 Competition Organiser Pack is now available for the introductory price of 199 EUR plus delivery. That's right, for less than 200 euro bucks you can relieve much of the pressure and risk involved in running a high level paragliding competition.

For many years  we've watched comp organisers struggle to put together a full blown competition, often re-inventing the wheel as they go and being bogged down with the administration and as the comp gets into full swing, spending much of their precious time putting out fires rather than focusing their attention on running the comp.

Well no longer folks. Thanks to our CAT-1 Comp Pack much of the worry and hard work will fade away and you, the organiser, can focus your time more appropriately. That's right, you'll be able to personally ensure the sandwich fillings are tasty, have the time to check the retrieve van tyre pressures are tip-top and maybe even have time to check the latest scores. All those other day to day, thankless tasks that you are required to do will receive so much more of your valuable time.

So how did we do it?

After considerable research into the requirements of running a modern high level competition our expert working group have put together a complete pack of legally approved, cross-border, FIA approved documentation for the would-be organiser. Yes, that's you, the one at the back with his fingers crossed.

Full documentation is available on our sales packaging, but here's a taster of what's inside the box:

• an iron-clad, 3rd set of lines exclusion clause that may be added to any existing documentation
• a get out of jail free card
• a legal waiver allowing you to keep your house should a federation or governing body suddenly realise they've been asleep on the job part-way through your comp and stop it.
• a 50-tablet blister packet of Paracetamol (600mg)
• the Blozone secret hotline help number, previously only known to 6 people worldwide
• a web page template explaining to your competitors they may soon have some spare free-flying time on their hands
• the home addresses of all SIVL working group members and a Google maps route showing the shortest route to visit them all in a single weekend
• a legal document explaining to the local authorities that the effort they put in alongside your own has actually been wasted and 50% of the expected local revenue will now not appear. Available in 10 languages.
• a 10 EUR voucher for hand cream
• a hand written bribery note which may be used appropriately to help ensure you get gold-star approval for any future comps should your current one be fucked over
• a 20-tablet packet of Diazepam/Valium direct from an online drugs company in India that may be used yourself if appropriate candidates do not naturally present themselves during the first few days
• two matchsticks, to support the eyelids or the corners of the mouth when a smile is required
• a 20% discount voucher for the Blozone 2-liner of your choice
• 
  
• ... and much more ...

So there it is folks. Get it while it's hot. Only while stocks last!

Wankers!
[I think they get it now - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Dear Kitt II

Dear Kitt,

Mark Hayman for President !

yours sincerely,
Editor, Pie in the Sky

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Piedrahita 2011

TO CELEBRATE the blinding success of yet another World Championships, Pie in the Sky have decided to pay for a day of fun and frivolity for the organisers and all competitors.

Woo-hoo!

The location of the celebrations have yet to be finalised, but the theme has already been decided. A day-trip to a Brewery was voted the most entertaining option and we'll even throw in free transport so everyone can partake of a few beers.

We have left the organisation in the capable hands of SIVL (and their working group) and eagerly await their deliberations so we can all have a fun-filled day out.


Wankers!

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Towering Twat

EPITOMISING THE modest nature for which paraglider pilots are famous, a twat jumped off a tower a couple of weeks ago. Nothing unusual in that, we hear you say, what with the debt crisis, mortgages failing hourly and the stock markets crashing more regularly than a blind skier, there's been a fair few "tower jumps" recently.

Sadly for our sport, however, this one seems to have been strapped to a speedwing.

Dull Chants, paraglider dealer and all-round shy person, seemed to have got away with it though, as his plan to speedfly from the top of an ancient US monument seemed to go without a hitch. For any non-US readers, please note that in the US an ancient, protected, historical monument will be about the same age as your house. Or younger.

On the day in question, it seems the police were nowhere to be seen and he had the opportunity to pull off his stunt. He pulled off a pretty clean exit, followed by what can only be described as a very short top-to-bottom into a flat field and ran off into the sunset. Or as it's better known, the back seat of your mates truck. Well done Dull. Here at Pie we particularly enjoyed the emotional high-fives in the car park. Wa-hooo, go team gonads and where's my double decaf latte?

Unfortunately for Mssr. Chants, and for the public image of our sport, it rather seems that the egocentric side of his nature took over as he then published the video on youToob. Soon thereafter, the overworked and undermanned local police spotted the video, presumably while checking youToob for criminals stupid enough to publish their crimes on the web, and asked the media to circulate it. It wasn't long before Dull was picked up and arrested while laying low in his carefully selected hideout. Paramotoring on an Oregon beach. D'Oh!

So there you have it folks. Do we even need to even say it?

How many branches in the dumb-ass tree did you hit when you fell out Dull? 10,000?

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Records Gallore

NEWS HAS been trickling into the Pie offices over the past few weeks clearly showing that this season is going off like a rocket, especially in the Alps. It's being reported that records are falling like dominoes this year. And it's only May !

Two Austrians, Heli Reichholder and Christoph Edelweiss, posted a 268.5Km triangle in the Alps last month smashing Krigal Moorer's record by a little over 3ft, 6in. A fantastic distance, especially if you consider they were both flying Blozone Arten's. Amazing !

Flying granny, Fiona McCasco, has set a new girls 25Km triangle speed record at a whopping 26.1kph. A fantastic speed, especially if you consider she was flying a Blozone Belta. Amazing !

Lucky Luke Amour set off with a pal on a working holiday recently and appears to have set a new Alpine record of 339Km. A fantastic distance, especially if you consider they were both flying their company wings, Blozone Arleven's. Amazing !

Italian babe Nicole Fidelta set off on the other side of the Alps and flew 208Km, breaking two world records, the girls out and return distance, and the girls 200Km out and return speed records. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider she was flying a Blozone Arten. Amazing !

Another Italian pilot, Ardweeno Per Sello recently flew 267Km and set a new out and return world record. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider he was flying a Blozone Arten. Amazing !

Over the waters in the UK, Mike Cavenagogogoch set new UK standards with open and declared triangle records going under his 92Km flight. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider he was flying a Blozone Emfor. Amazing !

Mike's bonfire seems to have received a bit of a watering though, as his record has been dulled by the news that fellow pilot Brenda Read made a below-the-radar triangle of over 100Km the day before.  A fantastic flight, especially if you consider he was flying a Blozone Arten. Amazing !

Rumour has it that Brenda's flight will not be ratified as he failed to follow the UK rule of needing to start your triangle within 2.5Km of a fish and chip shop. Amazing !

A great start to 2011, and Pie would very much like to congratulate these pilots on their achievements. [we really would - Ed]

We would also like to point out that we noticed a few trends while compiling our list of record breakers...

Firstly, magazines such as Pie and XC-Rag are likely to be the only place you'll read about such records, as the bureaucrats down at the FIA seem to make it so stupidly complex to ratify a record many pilots don't even bother to submit their flights. Even Maurer's record is not recognised.

Secondly, it really is amazing that these records are being set using the full spectrum of paragliders available on the market today. Here at Pie we'd always thought that at any given time there is one dominant wing manufacturer but, as you can see, the facts speak for themselves.

Dial up some more Pie next month when we publish the results of our exclusive investigation where we uncover how many other manufacturers are still out there. [so far we've counted 3 - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Dear Kitt

LAST WEEK we received a letter addressed to the editor. In itself not an unusual occurrence, let's face it we receive several every week, but this particular letter stood out in that it wasn't directly insulting the Pie editorial team or complaining about our reporting style.

So we read it.

It seems to be a copy of a letter addressed to one of the British Team Leaders, Burkitt (Kitt) Rud, a man who needs no introduction in some elemental circles. Strange we got a copy though.

We can only assume that by copying us the author would like his views aired. So as a leading international paragliding magazine, and no stranger to stirring muddy waters even further, we're happy to oblige.

Quote:

Dear Kit,

It is with regret that I find myself in a position where I feel obliged to resign my team place for the forthcoming World Chumpionships in Piedraheater.

As you know from our discussions I have become very concerned over the last year about the safety and thus the wisdom of flying the recent two-line competition gliders. This concern is three-fold.

Firstly, I strongly believe I'm too old for this shit.
It has been brought to my attention recently that I now have children and that getting myself killed chasing a ridiculous trophy is simply a risk I cannot justify any more. It rather seems my risk analysis over the past 20 years has been so flawed that I have repeatedly put myself in harms way, simply for the glory. This has to stop. "No more", I found myself saying to the mirror while shaving last week, "It's just not worth it". Besides, with kids in tow, the chicas won't even look at me twice, trophy or no trophy.

I just can't do it any more, Kitt !

Secondly, I'm clearly far too fat for this fucking sport now.
It's killing me you know. I can't even find a bloody wing to fit me and it seems to me that these two liners aren't strong enough for us lard asses. I am unusual in that I fly at weights well over 120Kg and I can tell you that at this flying weight you spend a lot of time wondering just how strong the anchor points are into the sail. Well, I do anyway.

In any case cutting more and more lines out of paragliders and making the remaining ones thinner is, in my opinion, dangerous and stupid and having seen a couple of gliders with line failure already last year I’m not prepared to keep taking the risk.

I just can't do it any more, Kitt !

Thirdly, these newer gliders are, in my opinion, and from evidence I’ve seen with my own eyes during competitions, almost irrecoverable by even very highly skilled pilots if they have large frontal collapses. It is true they collapse less but also true that if this happens the results are often catastrophic. Scary!

I just can't do it any more, Kitt !

I was hoping for some sensible direction from CIVL towards a safer and more enjoyable future but, as has so often been the case in the past, the recent plenary meeting pretty much decided to do nothing. As you well know, of course, I've always been a bit naive.

If a pilot like me cannot control a competition glider under all circumstances then the sport is rotten to the core and in need of change. Unless, of course, I've lost my bottle.

During conversations with you and with other team members I can see that there is a tacit pressure to fly the highest performance machine available (and therefore often the least safe) even if the pilot doesn’t feel capable enough to fly one. The best pilots in the world taking risks, I never saw that one coming!

How nice it would be if we could all go flying in the morning safe in the knowledge that we’d be coming home to our families safe and well again in the evening. (and with a trophy or two under our arm)

Best regards and good luck to the team,
The Braymanator
====

Well there you have it folks. Make of it what you will, but it rather seems that whoever he is, he's had enough of this shit. Or is simply too old for it. [and he just can't do it any more, Kitt - Ed]

[too tempting to pass up, Mark - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Whittling Away

NEWS IS beginning to come in that Mike Klung, the self-styled ACRO guru and self-taught crotchet champion, has taken on the challenge of breaking Robbie Whittler's altitude record.

"What altitude record?", we hear you say. Well, the greatest height gain above takeoff has been held for years by "Whittling" Bob Whittler and was set way back in the days before electricity [1993 - Ed] in the South African heartland [XC-Rag take note - Ed] [They did Ed - Ed]. Very little is known of the "dark ages" of paragliding but, given the right motivation, very little escapes a Pie journalist.

Back in "the day", when sky-blue, yellow and purple were considered a good colour combo for your flight suit, it seems that setting records simply involved getting up early on a sunny Wednesday morning, clipping in and going for some flying.

Thus was set one of PG's longest standing records, taking off and climbing out 4526m above takeoff. In fact the record is so bloody old it's in the FIA records as record number five.

Yes, that old.

Over the years, many people have claimed to have broken the record, Le-Roy Westerhaus and those old jet-flap freaks down at Skytalk have made a claim and Eva Withoutskis was probably in with a chance back in 2007 had she only remained concious throughout. But when all's said and done, none of them seem to have been ratified by those old codgers down at the FIA, so the Whittler's record has remained virgo-intacto for nearly 20 years.

Until now, of course.

Next up is Big Mike Kong, the Big Klunk, the Kling, the Klang, the Klung. [Enough - Ed] Well, whatever you want to call him, that guy who showed us all how to walk over a Ford Focus is going to have a lash at it and in keeping with the spirit of aviation record breaking he's keeping it simple.

He's simply going to show up and "have a go" in the Himalayas with 7 or 8 fellow pilots and a small support team of 20 or so. Let's face it, carrying that wing to the 4700m takeoff would be a bitch without a few Tenzing's doing the hard work. He also seems to be armed with the full backup of the marketing dudes down at U-Burn and it's said they'll only have enough oxygen for 3 months. So the pressure will be on then.

Good Luck Mike!  [ overuse of sarcasm here - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

The Blozone Ali-G

EVER FOUND yourself on take-off wishing for a bit more peace and quiet? Often find yourself surrounded by loud-mouthed "experts" telling everyone the best thing to do? Regularly find yourself walking away from your gear just to find a rock to sit on away from the other pilots? Eat your sandwiches away from the crowd do you? Well, do ya punk?

This month we think we've got the solution for you and we're pretty confident your over-crowded take-off problems are soon to be a thing of the past. Or so it would seem.

Two weeks ago we received a demo version of some new kit designed specifically to tackle this problem and, we have to say, it certainly looks promising.
 
Introducing the "Blozone Ali-G: Bullshit Reduction Device".

That's right a shiny new bullshit reduction device from those top-cats down where all the good mountains are.

Upon opening the box, we immediately realised we were looking at something special. We were impressed with the stitching, and we felt the colour scheme meant we'd never lose it on takeoff. Of course, as they think of everything, they'd even included it's own little bum-bag so you can carry it with you at all times.

Keen to give the gear a quick test-run, we dumped the lot on the floor of the editors office and set about it. We found the compressed-air gas can (supplied) and hooked it to the input nozzle. Simple, quick and easy, and within 2.3 seconds we had a fully inflated red and white "Blozone Ali-G" sitting on the editors desk.

That's right folks, a metre-wide, red and white inflatable donut. Presumably for sitting on.

We felt it was pretty big though, but then not everyone has a bony arse, of course. It sure was comfortable too, and will be perfect for sitting on those cold mountain-top rocks away from the buzzing crowds and the interfering wuffo's.

So no more haemorrhoids for the Pie staff then. That's a relief.

[ Are you telling me that your comp wings are so damn efficient that you really want the option of a drag chute to get down safely? I take my hat off to the designers of what you guys are flying - Ed ]

[ You don't wear a hat, Ed - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Blozone: The New Novum

YOU CAN imagine our surprise when a courier arrived at the Pie offices last week with a hand-written press invitation to this years Pamala award ceremony. It surely sounded like a great opportunity to dust off the old tux, re-teach ourselves how to tie a bow and see if the cummerbund still met in the middle.

For most of our readers the highly regarded and somewhat prestigious Pamala's will need no introduction, but for those new to our sport a Pamala is about as high an award as you can get if you are a paraglider manufacturer. A Pamala, or "Pammy", is not just a fatuous blonde bint with big fake tits and a penchant for videoing herself, it's also the Paraglider Marketing & Arse Licking Awards.

A Pamala is given annually to those manufacturers deemed to have excelled themselves in the art of self promotion, exaggerated claims, or to have proven themselves more than competent in the art of floating bullshit across slow moving water. So, clearly we were happy to roll up and see if we could get a free drink or three.

Standing beside the red carpet in Piccadilly Circus last week in the gentle London rain, with Jenson "Snapper" Pargo the Pie photographer, our roving reporter Jasmine Dreamz could be seen thrusting her microphone into the face of anyone who looked like they might know the difference between a brake pulley and a speedbar connector.

Here's Jasmin's report as the stars arrived:

Jasmine: "Hands! Are you feeling confident this year? Novum usually do very, very well at the Pammys!"
Hands Pampas: "Fukk offt"

Jasmine: "Your recent move to Advansed must give you call to feel that all is not lost Bruce?"
Bruce Goldchain: "Fuck off"

Jasmine: "Luke, come-on just a quick word for our readers, they want the inside track on your latest 30 patent applications"
Lucky Luke Amour: "Fooook off"

Jasmine: "Gyn, long way to come huh?"
Gyn Tonic: "Phoook off"

Jasmine: "Pendry, what the fuck are you doing here?"
John Pendulum: "Job interview next door with Barclays Financial Services"

Jasmine: "Mike, surely with the BBpBHp, the BabyFace, the BabyBlue and your new SharkBait you must be feeling like you've got it in the bag?"
Mike Cavanagogorgogh: "Fuck off"

So not very forthcoming then.

Luckily, after the ceremony Jasmine managed to get into the post awards party and with the microphone hidden where only a microphone can be, managed to get a few illicit recordings of our high-rollers celebrating the outstanding sweeping of the board by Blozone this year. Unfortunately, most of the revellers were a bit worse for the wear and we're not quite sure who to attribute some of the comments to, but the unedited clips are here in all their glory:

"... I know, I know, we knew we had it nailed when the fucking thing came out the modelling software..."
"... Hairwave bollocks! I can't even spell it these days.. yes please, another white wine..."
"... Hands put that down, you didn't get one this year..." 
"... shark, fucking shark, can you believe it..."
"... fuck Blozone, they're full of shit ..."
"... it's genius boyz, we'z fuckin' genius's..."
"... patents my arse, it fucking marketing, the sly shits. Wish we'd thought of it..."
"... did you see when Mike slipped on the stairs, we nearly shat ourselves laughing..."
"... is that a microphone between your legs or are you just pleased to see me.."

So there you have it readers. Blozone, top marketeer of the year.
8-time Pammy Award winner, swept the boards, and pretty much sweeping the floor with all the other manufacturers as we speak.

[ for non-native English readers, "shark" is also a verb - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video