Blozone: The New Novum

YOU CAN imagine our surprise when a courier arrived at the Pie offices last week with a hand-written press invitation to this years Pamala award ceremony. It surely sounded like a great opportunity to dust off the old tux, re-teach ourselves how to tie a bow and see if the cummerbund still met in the middle.

For most of our readers the highly regarded and somewhat prestigious Pamala's will need no introduction, but for those new to our sport a Pamala is about as high an award as you can get if you are a paraglider manufacturer. A Pamala, or "Pammy", is not just a fatuous blonde bint with big fake tits and a penchant for videoing herself, it's also the Paraglider Marketing & Arse Licking Awards.

A Pamala is given annually to those manufacturers deemed to have excelled themselves in the art of self promotion, exaggerated claims, or to have proven themselves more than competent in the art of floating bullshit across slow moving water. So, clearly we were happy to roll up and see if we could get a free drink or three.

Standing beside the red carpet in Piccadilly Circus last week in the gentle London rain, with Jenson "Snapper" Pargo the Pie photographer, our roving reporter Jasmine Dreamz could be seen thrusting her microphone into the face of anyone who looked like they might know the difference between a brake pulley and a speedbar connector.

Here's Jasmin's report as the stars arrived:

Jasmine: "Hands! Are you feeling confident this year? Novum usually do very, very well at the Pammys!"
Hands Pampas: "Fukk offt"

Jasmine: "Your recent move to Advansed must give you call to feel that all is not lost Bruce?"
Bruce Goldchain: "Fuck off"

Jasmine: "Luke, come-on just a quick word for our readers, they want the inside track on your latest 30 patent applications"
Lucky Luke Amour: "Fooook off"

Jasmine: "Gyn, long way to come huh?"
Gyn Tonic: "Phoook off"

Jasmine: "Pendry, what the fuck are you doing here?"
John Pendulum: "Job interview next door with Barclays Financial Services"

Jasmine: "Mike, surely with the BBpBHp, the BabyFace, the BabyBlue and your new SharkBait you must be feeling like you've got it in the bag?"
Mike Cavanagogorgogh: "Fuck off"

So not very forthcoming then.

Luckily, after the ceremony Jasmine managed to get into the post awards party and with the microphone hidden where only a microphone can be, managed to get a few illicit recordings of our high-rollers celebrating the outstanding sweeping of the board by Blozone this year. Unfortunately, most of the revellers were a bit worse for the wear and we're not quite sure who to attribute some of the comments to, but the unedited clips are here in all their glory:

"... I know, I know, we knew we had it nailed when the fucking thing came out the modelling software..."
"... Hairwave bollocks! I can't even spell it these days.. yes please, another white wine..."
"... Hands put that down, you didn't get one this year..." 
"... shark, fucking shark, can you believe it..."
"... fuck Blozone, they're full of shit ..."
"... it's genius boyz, we'z fuckin' genius's..."
"... patents my arse, it fucking marketing, the sly shits. Wish we'd thought of it..."
"... did you see when Mike slipped on the stairs, we nearly shat ourselves laughing..."
"... is that a microphone between your legs or are you just pleased to see me.."

So there you have it readers. Blozone, top marketeer of the year.
8-time Pammy Award winner, swept the boards, and pretty much sweeping the floor with all the other manufacturers as we speak.

[ for non-native English readers, "shark" is also a verb - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video