Off Bar

AFTER THE July investigation into speed systems, how deployment may be improved and the brief, and somewhat painful, discovery of the 101 ways to hurt your private parts with velcro, it seems one of our intrepid reporters has been giving the whole concept more thought. It's common place, for those flying without a stirrup, to stow the bar under the seat with velcro or a strap of some description and releasing this during the first few minutes of flight has been a constant, consistent, continual, consecutive, continuous and continuing difficulty for pilots worldwide.

Last weekend, while hanging about launch at a comp, Vilhelm 'Big Bill' Schlönginhänd, Pie's Scandinavian reporter, was struck with an idea. Knowing what it's like to try and stop a 2m tall, 125Kg Swede with a plan fixed firmly in his head, we decided to let him do whatever the hell he wanted. So we reached for our cameras and stood back.

Big Bill's idea was simple enough, although as it turned out, not to everyones taste.

"Böth händs äre pretty büsy ät täkeöff änd böth legs äre üsuälly döwn döing söme sört öf rünning, jögging ör simply fläiling äröund wäiting tö be cälled intö äctiön düring äny ünexpected impäct right?", he said. "This döesn't leäve müch in the wäy öf limbs äväiläble för detäching ä speedbär, döes it?"

"I suppose not.", said Wendel our head of all things technical.

"Sö why nöt üse äll yöür nätüräl resöürces?", he pressed on.

"Err....", we said collectively.

"Ärse cheeks", he announced.

"Err....", we said collectively.

"Ärse cheeks", he repeated. "Why nöt simply clench the bär in yöür cheeks änd releäse it when äirbörne?"

We paused, uncertain where this was going. Images of naked, middle-aged Swedish men running from saunas and rolling in the snow briefly flashed though more than one mind in the office and Silvia Sudds, personal assistant to the Chief Editor, actually put her camera back in her handbag.

"Clench the bar between your cheeks?", enquired Wendel. "But surely just sitting on it would be good enough? To release it you'd just need to lean forward and it'll fall down, right?"

"Nö, yöü dön't ünderständ. The bär isn't between yöür ärse änd the härness! The bär is ünderneäth. Belöw the härness.", he wasn't giving up.

"I give up", said Wendel, "You'll need to draw me a picture or something."

"Nö need!", announced Big Bill, "I've älreädy mödifed my härness änd given it ä few test flights, see."

He reached behind one of the desks, dragged his harness out and flipped it over. And there it was. The modification that would keep several of us from sleeping for days. Right there in the middle, he'd cut a 2cm diameter hole.

Miss Sudds just about fell off her desk, while the rest of us simply grabbed our jackets and went to the pub, several of us with eyebrows that would take several days to come down.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts

FurryBird MightStop

ANOTHER DAY, another safety report.

Here at Pie, we think it's great to see the manufacturers putting safety first and issuing warnings about their duff kit, thus protecting pilots from themselves and maybe from the crap gear they've inadvertently bought. No matter how iffy a manufacturer might be, how shoddy their products might turn out or how flaky their marketing service might seem, it's good to see them standing up and saying, "We've naffed it up", or as it's officially known, "Issuing a safety report".

So it would seem the "Innovation of the Year" down at FireBrand is in fact not the "Lift Off System" or the "Catchy Air Pockets" of their top selling Turbo MightStop reserves, it rather seems that their latest innovation is in fact the new improved reserve container that now comes out when you pull it.

It would seem that some pilots who've been trusting their lives to a MightStop reserve may be somewhat surprised when pulling the handle during any desperate last chance at the rest of their lives. It seems that, when in dire straits, pilots could be faced with less MightStop than they would have expected. In fact, looking at the design changes, it seems pretty clear that some would have been faced with no MightStop at all and most likely be faced with a handle, 10cm of tape and some rather straggly looking threads. Not what one might hope for when spiraling in at 15m/s and looking for a last chance to kiss the wife goodbye.

Luckily, FieryBird have stepped up and offered replacement internal containers to owners who might be worried they paid their hard earned cash for some under-seat ballast, a cool logo and a poorly stitched bracelet for the missus.

Well done FieryBride, keep up the good work, and here's hoping all those punters get in touch for a free replacement container with "reinforcements all round". Obviously we're hoping extra attention has been given to the reinforcements around the bits that were crap.

This innovation of the year [Safety Notice - Ed] comes from FurryBird - No Bushwa.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts

Carrier Pigeon Downed

IT SEEMS that wikileaks.org are so busy publishing classified US Army documents, commonly known as "the truth about deaths, murders, mistakes and random shootings in far-flung places no-one gives enough of a shit about", to publish leaked corporate documents. It rather seems that people are turning to regular media outlets to distribute illicit information and clearly some see Pie as a suitable outlet.

Here at Pie we're professionals, we expend every effort to try and authenticate all information we're given, no matter how slim the details might be. However, we're also a bunch of headline-grabbing, fame-seeking, shit-peddling, drama-queens who'll just about publish anything and be damned. It's in our blood. Besides, we don't have expensive advertisers to piss off, so why would we give a shit?

This was uppermost in our minds when we were listening to a micro-cassette we receive anonymously in the post last Thursday. It took us some 45 minutes to find something to play the tape and a further 2 hours to convert it to a useful format, but eventually we had a mp3 file that we could listen to and work with. It rapidly became clear it was an illicite recording of part of a mobile phone conversation. After putting our technology expert, Wendel "Grepit" Gardner, to work cleaning up the recording we could transcribe parts of the conversation. Some parts are simply undecipherable though, but what we could understand is transcribed below.

For the sake of simplicity we'll call the voices A and B, but please don't read anything into that.

Copy:

[BEGIN]
Voice A: "...GARBLED... between them with soap. [LAUGHING] It's the best one I've heard in years."
Voice B: "...GARBLED... [LAUGHING] Well yes so would I, if I were in her position. [LAUGHING]"
Voice A: "Thinking more on the subject, another 4 months is ridiculous! I'm flying a borrowed Blozone right now, for God sake. Christ, is there nothing we can do about it?"
Voice B: "Not really, we're making efforts to at least make the 3-liner look ...GARBLED... probably not notice"
Voice A: "For me though, the most important issue is to get them to agree to remove the you-know-what's"
Voice B: "I know, but they've had them for years."
Voice A: "Well that's as maybe, but they're completely useless and they spoil the layout. They defeat many of the advances we've been making with clean designs and we'll have to re-model certain parts in software. Honestly, they have no place being there."
Voice B: "I know what you're saying, I agree. We've always agreed on this point you know we have. Listen, I'll do my best and ...GARBLED..."
Voice A: "I know, I know. But they just don't exist in nature, certainly nothing like that. There's just no call for them, some larger primaries do affect the tip vortices, but they're actually claiming to significantly reduce the induced drag. It's bad science, you know that, and I just don't like it."
Voice B: "Well that's as maybe, but we might just have to go along with them regardless. Let's face it, they've got all the ...GARBLED... thousand or two."
Voice A: "Well just let them know that if they want access to the tunnel they've got to keep us happy. It's worked for years and there's no changing a winning formula. Ok?"
Voice B: "...GARBLED... complete bollocks. You know that right."
Voice A: "Don't talk to me about him, no-one gives a shit about tumbling. It's just publicity. Nothing more."
Voice B: "All right."
Voice A: "I'll call you later in the week."
Voice B: "Ok. Salut."
Voice A: "Bye."
[END]

Make of it what you will. In all truth there's no confirming who the voices belong to, or checking if the recording is authentic, but in the interests of general openness we're happy to publish.

(and be damned)

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts

Pax ACRO

AN ATTEMPT to infinity tumble a tandem paraglider took place over the past few days and we were well chuffed to be invited to witness this special moment. The worlds press were invited to witness it over Lake Waitnsee in the land of milk chocolate, rubbery cheese and small red pocket knives. For those not in the know, an "infinity tumble" is what is known in other forms of aviation as a "loop". As paraglider pilots are kool, rad, free-flyin' muthas we've tended to rename shit to make it sell well. Not surprising given that 99% of the worlds media thinks we're towed up behind speedboats. Of course, based on recent reporting it seems we still have some work to do. Consequently, here at Pie, we wandered along to do our bit and see if we couldn't even get an exclusive interview with the loons involved. After all, no-one had ever done one of these with a tandem glider before.

The pair are using the latest in tandem technology, an XXL U-Burn Driller ACRO wing from the German geniuses down in the Black Forest. Although we couldn't secure an interview with Tom Tosseler, the Chief-head of U-Tern wings, we have it on good authority he said, “It’s going to be thrilling!" Right then. Thrilling.

Arriving at the make-shift press heliport, we joined the queue of fellow media professionals waiting to interview the stars of the day. When we reached the front of the queue Pax Taxit, senior accountant and part-time ACRO pilot, and Gator Karzi, tandem passenger and part-time Mark Wahlberg lookalike, were looking like fully fledged Hollywood stars doing the biz. After a surprisingly short wait, we found ourselves sitting opposite the guys where we got to ask them our four searching questions.

"Hi Pax! Are you looking forward to this?", we asked.

"Oh yes. Very much so.", he replied with a friendly smile spreading across his face and an even broader hairstyle spreading across his head.

"And howde Gator! How do you feel about all this, is this your first taster flight then?", we asked.

"I'm very much looking forward to it. I'm quite confident I won't be sick.", said Gator, looking ever so slightly nervous.

"Pax, we're told tandem tumbling's never been done before. Are you looking forward to getting into the record books today?", we asked, deciding that a little bit of flattery goes a long way.

"Well, there are no records for this sort of thing. The guys down at Guinness Records don't seem to take us quite so seriously as those trans-atlantic, global ballooning billionaires you know.", he replied, visibly losing some of his initial cheerfulness.

"So why are you doing this? Why?", we asked, getting down to the nitty-gritty.

"Why? Hmmfff...", were the only sounds picked up by our handheld mike. He then proceeded to stare at us for several moments with a puzzled look on his face after which he stood up slowly and wandered off back to the organisers tent making more than one questioning look over his shoulder and shaking his head.

Slightly confused at the rapid end to our interview we made our way to the press tent where they were handing out free energy drinks with straws that had little red and blue paragliders and a mad cow, or something, printed on them. How cute, we thought. We started asking around about the upcoming stunt and it turns out it takes quite a lot of strength to do a loop [Infinity Tumble - Ed] with a PG and it's expected to take much more for a tandem. In fact, it seems the passenger may have to assist otherwise it could all wind up with a giftwrapping from hell and a rather watery end.

Some journo's were saying the pilots will undergo similar levels of "G" as those experienced by fighter pilots and others were even suggesting it was unfair on these PG pilots because your average fighter pilot has a pressure suit to keep from blacking out. We thought this was a little absurd though. Let's face it, those fighter jocks have to keep their eyes on an artificial horizon, an incoming enemy, the SAM alarms, their countermeasures and the readiness of their AIM missiles. Hardly a fair comparison with pilots who have to check their leg straps are done up and the batteries are fully charged in their vario we thought.

Witnessing the event was a bit of a let-down, we have to say. All we could see from where we stood was a dot in the sky and even using our bird-watching binoculars, which we brought especially, we could only just about make out where the wing was. They made it though, according to the live commentary fed to us on the ground from someone in a helicopter who must have been much, much closer. It would also seem that Gater had the taster flight of the century too, even though the gossip on the street is that he chucked up just about everything he'd eaten since last Christmas.

So there you have it folks. Like most sporting events, just stay at home and watch it on TV or youToob. You'll get to see a whole lot more and, if you're lucky, the press interviews might even make it seem worthwhile.

If readers wish to write in and suggest answers to our last question we'd be most grateful, because we're at a bit of a loss. As it seems, was Pax.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts

Scorchio Recordio

FANTASTICO NEWS is coming in that a new record has been set in Spain. It would appear that the countries distance record has been smashed and a new site record set for that well-known hangout, Piedrahita.

Details are sketchy at the moment, but it would appear that Frenchman Thomas "DM" Putain has covered over 310Km, flying from Pena Negra, the local take-off at "Pied", as it's known to visitors. For years pilots have been flying north-east, following the convergence while keeping within a glide or three of the never-ending ridge and almost always within 10Km or so of the straight, fast retrieve roads. Thousands of kilometers and many distance records have been set by repeating the world famous and surprisingly simple mantra, "Follow Steve". It seems that Thomas, however, has bucked this 20 year trend with his shiney, new record and gone off in a new direction, so to speak.

Hopping on her bike, Pie reporter Silvia "Encima" de Ella, freewheeled her bike the 50Km down the road for an interview. Unfortunately for us, Silvia arrived the day after the record was set, so was a little too early to interview Thomas. It seems that having flown most of the way to the beach, he simply wasn't going to waste the opportunity and decided to stay for a few days and soak up some sun.

Not wanting to waste the trip, Silvia hooked up with local free-flying guru and Gillette rep Steve Jamon Serrano for a quick chat about this new record.

"Steve, it's fantastic this new record isn't it?", she said.

"Absolutely Silvia. This is great for Piedrahita, great for paragliding and great for Thomas", replied the Jambon. He continued, "There's nothing like setting a new record to encourage people to come over and fly one of Europe's top free-flying sites."

"That's definitely true", she replied, "it really is great that this record has been set here, what with the Worlds coming here in 2011"

"I know, I know", he replied, "It's free advertising really"

"So our readers will be keen to know Steev, did you meet Thomas before his epic flight?"

"Well, I bump into most pilots when they stay here, or even if they're just passing through", he continued, "Most people pop in at some point during their stay. I get through 10 Euros of Nescafe every day during the season you know"

"Wow, that is a lot of coffee. Did you meet Thomas?"

"Err, not exactly. He seemed pretty confident, his groundhandling skills were up to par and both him and his friend seemed to have their own ideas about what they wanted to do and I'm always great with that"

"But he didn't follow the standard advice for this site though, did he?"

"I don't want to talk about it", said Esteeeve.

At this point Silvia realised there wasn't any point chatting much longer. After all, Thomas was the record breaker and he wasn't anywhere to be seen. After some asking around and the swapping of a few favours she did manage to get Thomas' mobile phone number and called him up.

"Hi Thomas, Pie in the Sky here. Great news about your record."

"Ello. Yes, great newzz", he replied, with a slight accent.

"Where are you?"

"On zee beach at Alicante."

"How do you feel?"

"Fantaztic sweetheart. Never felt better. New record. New tan. Fantaztic."

"Esteve Jamon says it's great to have a new site record at Piedrahita."

"Did he?"

"He says it's just great."

"Did he?"

"Yes"

"He told the pair of us we were suicidal maniacs if we tried flying over Gredos."

"Really?"

"Oui, and he zaid we should stick to zee tried and tested routes zat have been zo successful for 20 yearz. Head north east, he told us."

"Did he really? But you didn't, did you?"

"Ze fuck we did. We 'ad a practice run to zee south a couple of dayz before and made 240k, and az we woz a lookin for a record, we went south again."

"Fantastic. Ok. Well have a nice time on the beach."

"Salut"

So there you have it folks, a new record, an old mantra and a change of direction at an old favourite.

[312Km. Wow. - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts

Handz Back Home

WE ALL like happy endings, and it would seem that last months "Missing Persons" request has greatly assisted in finding a poor lost soul. It would seem that Hands Pampas has been found fit and well and is back at work where he should be.

We received a very nice thank-you note from NovaBling International m.b.H thanking us for our help with the search. It's enclosed below so you can all see what a great idea this internet-www-thingy is in keeping people connected and helping out brothers in need.

Quote:

"Herr Editor,

Zankz wery much for publisching our reqvest for help last month it seemz to haff vorked. Ve are wery wery reliefed.

Hands rolled into vork ze ozer day and iz back to hiz usual zelf. He haz been bringing za bagels and za cofee in for breakfast and everyzing, just like za good old dayz.

Vee zink he may actually haff been on a course or somezink vizout tellingk us, because he seemz to be efen better zan before at za marketing stuff. Alzough he haz only been back for a few dayz now, he iz already makink za numberz zound good and haz been publisching all kindz of fantastisch statisticz.

He haz brought viz him a vonderbar new dezign for za veekend vombatz viz hiz new-and-improofed Mental-2 EN-B ving. Hands iz zo good at zis, he iz already up to hiz nutz in remarkable claimz und outlandisch glide ratioz for our new littel baby.

Vonce again he iz uzing hiz old chestnut, 'Never in the field of free flight was so much owed, by so many, to so few. With this one small step for wings and one giant leap for L/D, we got it through the load test'.

See... zingz are back to normal again.

Vonce again, zanks for all your help in zis matter and if zer iz anyzing vee can do for you just let uz know.

Volfi Lecher,
(Repairz Dept) "


So there you go reader, another happy ending and another mystery demystified. And it's nice to see Hands back to his usual self too.

Oh... err... come to think of it... In terms if return favours, the Chief Editors Mamboo is winging across Europe as we speak, so if you could service it and fix that bloody great hole in record time I'm sure he'd be most grateful ;-)

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts

Gravius Painium II

AFTER LAST months unexplained anonymous email in latin, we've received a few comments and suggestions from Pie readers. Most seemed to make a reasonable stab at translating it for us, but one of the follow up communiques appears to be in latin, confusing us once again.

So, with apologies to our readership, we'd be most appreciative once again of any assistance in translating the following into English.

Quote:

"Gratias ago vos de publicata mi reviewum de Windtecum Zephyrium. Ego quo modificarta mis commentis del est wingum parvus minor.

Ils bastardums de Windtecum exertus a assasinato mihi. Quo unto I. Pobreum.

Il wungum eram non Zephyrium, absolutatum non. Il wingum quo testimi eram il prototypicus valde periculosus e valde, valde dangerousimus. Ego sum valde, valde, mucho, tutto fortisimus habeo vita e futurus quod ma headicus e duos legicuses.

Commodo dico todo pilotums como es los mater copulatoras de Wintecus eran transporto est prototipo en errori a mi. Non ego un pilotum testigo. Ego pilotum normalamisium. Ego infantia inum domicilium e um donna belissimum, non me promptus verso morior.

Secumdus magnum tiempum ego receptalis el Zephyricum Serialus com cartas authenticalis de certificatum. Finalmentimum. Ego operorum il wingum e il commodicamentimum como ils totos equalis de ils altras EN-B'sicumsi. Equalamentum e mismicus.

Commodo dico todo pilotums como normalicus is illa wingum del ils copulatoris.

Luvum e etc,
Veni, Vidi, Vici - en vita propia."

Once again, anyone chipping in with a traslation or offering suggestions will receive our everlasting thanks. Nothing more sadly, as we've emailed all our coveted "Pie in the Sky" coffee mugs.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts