Corporate News Just In

JUST AS we were going to the presses, a developing story hit our desks. We are hearing early rumours that two of the worlds big players in the vario market are in buyout talks. Browniger is being bought by FlySpec and we're hearing a rumoured price tag of 2.7 billion dollars.

Desperate to confirm this news we contacted market analyst Charles Bentley of KMPG. "This has come as a major shock to the markets, old chap", he said, "but investors seem mildly confident of the outcome, as shares have shown a day-on-day increase of 14% especially in after-hours electronic trading."

Er.

"Our main concern here at the trading desks is that it has set off high volume futures trading with limited short sell options available", he continued, "and with the notional rights not fixed in this way, we could be in for a slide as the market grows both less deep and more liquid. Remember, varios are a spot market, and we're expecting above average levels of default before settlement."

Woah. We had to stop him there as we'd effectively gone parachutal.

"Ok", he explained, "put simply, people really think they can guess the name of the new company, right? There's only two ways they can keep this new company together and that has to be as either 'Browntec' or 'Flynigger'. Here at KMPG our feeling is that neither the investors nor the customers are going to like that very much."

Ah. Good point.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

Spring Thermals

IT'S NEVER too early for a good piece of advice. That's the motto in the Pie offices.

In a vain attempt to fill up some ad-space we couldn't sell, we are re-running the same old tat we do each year. Only here at Pie we like to beat the competition and get our advice in early.

From this year on we will be specially contracting young trainee reporters to give the same old shite a re-working and hopefully add some zest to the look and feel of the usual annual reminder not to kill yourself. So here goes then.

Hi, smack heads, Chaz 'ere. Christmas is behind ya and the flava of the munf is; springs comin' surf dudes. But hey, Chaz is slidin over to tell you we've got some vibes that April and May can be bumpy, if you know what I mean. Really thermal-rich, pop-topping stuff the streets is tellin me. So take it easy on them sites bruv or we'z goin to be scrapin you up wivva spade. Remember bro, you ain't comp level stuff ya know, and you ain't had your arse in a sling since October, so you isn't on top form like. You know it. Later.

Well, that wasn't too bad. Maybe next year then.

Please note the absence of the word "punchy" in a "Spring Thermals" article, a world first?

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

New DodgiFly Varios

THE NEW DodgiFly vario is now shipping. That's right, at last, it's shipping. The "Perfectino" went on sale this month after significant production delays and much discuzzioni about chip supply.

"It's been a long time coming, but thank god we finally found the problems and fixed them", said Leonardo Armani, another sales and marketing twat stating the obvious. "But enough of that rubbish", he continued, "I'd like to focus attenzzioni on some of the outstanding, ground breaking features of our new model, the Perfectino". So we did.

It's available in red, blue, green and that off-white colour similar to the one your wife chose for the bathroom. Quite frankly, the uber-tecno-geeks from Pie-Labs© were pretty damn impressed by the application of technology. Apparently the new device can locate thermals, track them, list them and sort them by size, location, colour and flavour, but most interestingly, it can do all this from over 10km away.

The new TwatPilot© feature adds the functionality to even tell you when to leave a thermal and go on-glide, with the simple audible warning "You are entering cloud, turn left now".

If you put it in "AbsolutelyUselessWanker" mode before takeoff, it will automatically download the GoogleEarth Maps, 3D Topographic overlays and the location of all known coffee shops in your local area and proceed to pre-process the data as you clip in. It will then detect when you grasp the risers, and issue various pieces of advice, such as "You may enjoy your flight more if you head west", or "Launch now, it doesn't get any better than this" and even "Remember to enjoy yourself. Don't listen to me all the time, dickhead".

Once in the air the device has a few more surprises up its sleeve. A perfect example of which is the replacement of that annoying "beep-beep-beep" when you're in lift. This great little gadget gives out advice and tips such as, "Don't lose it", or "No, the other left" or "You'll blow it in a minute, I know you will" and the soon to be classic "Ok, lets move down the valley and try to find a really fat core shall we".

Here at Pie we were really pleased to discover that the annoying "brrrrr" drone, when sinking, is replaced by the motivational "What the fuck are you doing? You'll have us on the ground in 5 minutes if you keep this up".

But that's not all folks, Leonardo from DF was keen to let us know they were working on next years models already. Apparently the new model, codename "Carpetino", will be a hot one and he let slip the fact that it could also replace existing PG hardware, including the actual wing. He was bold enough to tell us that they have already improved the power-on systems with the introduction of their new patented "3-rubs" technology.

We'll just have to wait and see.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

Pac-a-Mac Devils

TOP MANUFACTURER Pac-a-Mac Technologies have announced their full lineup at last.

"We have been waiting for this all year", said industry commentator Steve "RandomlyHappy" Uzbekistan. "I test flew the ENVY in March when it first came out, and was really impressed. I can't wait to get my hands on the other 6", he said in an unnervingly excited way.

The full lineup may be viewed at your leasure on their website and includes the PRIDE a shiny new DHV-1, the LUST their latest DHV 1-2, the ENVY the tested DHV-2, the ANGER a full-on DHV 2-3 and the GREED a balls-out DHV-3 speedster.

For those who like the pies and don't know what a salad looks like, you will be well catered for within the lower weight ranges of the new GLUTTONY tandem wing, or you could choose to chill out in the peace and quiet under the SLOTH, their latest PPG wing (ear defenders included).

After noticing a somewhat supernatural trend to the naming conventions adopted by MacPants Technologies we sent Pie reporter Shaun "Nib" McWurter to get some expert guidance. Shaun soon found himself in church of all places, chatting for a hour or two with the Right-Reverend Patrick O'Livingstone of the Upper Nile Delta Mission & Lyme Regis Parish Church (Sundays only).

To summarise the holy advice as succinctly as we possibly can, "My dear boy, etc... maybe it's not such a good idea to piss off your chosen deity when hanging from 0.7mm threads at cloudbase."

"Right on, Padre", we say, and good luck to all you Pac-a-Mac pilots. See you in pergatory.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

Indian Success Story

REPORTS HAVE been filtering into the Pie office recently that there is an Indian manufacturer of flight garments that produce top-notch gear, rivalling any of the current European and American tat currently available.

Keen to see if this was true and amazed by the online images of Cordera©, the famous Spanish sheepskin, we placed an online secure credit-card order for the hi-spec "Elvis" flight suit. It was retailing at the amazing price of $25, a clear 100 bucks cheaper than their nearest rival.

No sooner had we pressed the confirm button, but we found our bank accounts emptied, and a monthly supply of Amsterdam XXX porn delivered to our door, all courtesy of those good fellows at "Spicy Suits". Clearly the porn is this months special offer, and a big thank-you for that, but we were concerned about our bank accounts.

Anita "Flaps" O'Flannigan, our secretary, phoned them to find out what was going on, but obviously they're so busy making the top-notch gear they don't have time to answer the phone. We'll keep you posted.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

"RearGuard pour Femme

WELCOME TO the new world. It seems that women are about to arrive at our launch sites in their thousands. That's right, it's the news we've all been waiting for and it's all thanks to the "RearGuard pour Femme, by Elisabeth Harden", the latest creation from those marketing wizards at U-Stern. Manufacturers have clearly been reading the wrong magazines for decades, but those market-spinning wankers at U-Spin have been at it once again. They've even street tested their new catchy marketing tag, "RearGuard pour Femme. Just feel yourself".

Luckily your reporting team here at Pie are above all that marketing shite, we know what our readers want, we're only interested in the naked figures. We contacted U-Turd chief stylist Ernst Van-Truble for some technical details.

"We had been searching for something new for ages", he told us in perfect english, "but it wasn't until this blonde babe came into the shop and bent over the counter that the idea hit me".

"It had been staring me in the face all the time", he continued, "what we needed was a little something for the ladies. We went straight out and grabbed the first 20 women we could find and asked them what they liked and how they liked it. The results were an eyeopener, I can tell you. We had to rule out a whole raft of crazy shit before we realised that us men know better."

Pie reporter Josephine "Fifi" Lentement rapidly ran out of patience with these idiots and decided to take a look for herself. Gone are the tough 35kN risers, they've been replaced by red ribbons with matching double bows just above the 2nd cascade of each brake line. The brake toggles have been swapped out for new hypo-allegenic, non-animal tested sheepskin mittens and directly below the brakes on the right D-riser we discovered a mobile phone holder in the shape of a cute panda, stunning work.

Best of all, we felt, was the simple and yet ingenius vanity mirror that they have somehow managed to pre-fit to the left A-riser which they claim is adjustable in-flight. German technology is Vorsprung it would seem. Apparently, attachments are also available to allow in-flight storage of throw-pillows and various cuddly toys, but we couldn't hang around any longer as we desperately needed a beer.

Interestingly, we noted the new wing sizes chosen by the U-Bend marketing specialists. Gone are the traditional XS-XL sizing that we are familiar with, now we have to adapt to the new sizes. In the US the sizings are 30-22-32, 34-24-34 and 40-32-44 and in europe the sizes are Petite, Cute and Cuddly.

When we found out that supermodel Kate Floss had been signed up to be the new "face" for the "Rearguard" ad campaign we just couldn't help ourselves. We caught up with her at the FluggelHorn takeoff as she was being strapped into a cerise & lavender harness. "They never tell me anything", she said. "They came to me with half a mill in cash and a kilo of powder and told me I was the new face of UpTurn. Fuck knows what I'm doing here freezin my tits off in Austria, not exactly a beach in the Bahamas is it?"

"When they were babbling on about wings I thought it was a new brand of tampon", she continued, "By the time I found out the truth I'd spent the money and blown half the snuff". She then proceeded to ignore us and talk to a gay bloke called Kevin.

Well, by now we'd had about enough of this bollocks, so we contacted Chris IchiCrotche, one of the more shy & retiring americans we know. He told us, "Looks like they've just taken the same old crap they sell to the fat men and are trying to re-market it to the thin women. Maybe it'll help stop all the blatent ladish sexism in this sport, though".

Praise the lord for some sanity at last, although we didn't quite understand what he meant about sexism.

Remember, if you order your "RearGuard pour Femme" before December, you'll get a free years subscription to Kozmo, the Polish Acro Mag and a weeks supply of moisturising balms. Wow.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script

XC Mag goes Native

HAVING HAPPILY printed info about the lastest PG twaddle on any old paper for years, "Crass Country" magazine have proudly changed to 100% recycled paper and are printing their latest glowing words of wisdom using meat-free, steroid-safe, organic tofu instead of the traditional inks.

We have it on good authority that although it now smells different, it can still be read in the traditional manor. On the toilet.


Keen to dispel early rumours "Grass County" chief bloke and all rounder, Bob "Anything But" Dreary told us, "Well, it wasn't just to keep the hippies happy you know. That's not our style, never has been. Oh no. At least not since the Winchester and Newbury launch-clearing fiascos of '96 & '98."

He went on "The planet is our responsibility, it's our inheritance to our children and we all have a part to play in ensuring the planet returns to a self contained unit with a sustainable future. What? Oh, that's me". Then he stopped.

Unfortunately, our interview was cut short as the check-in queue started moving forward for his long-haul 747-400 flight to Manilla where he was due to report on the latest developments in rip-stop nylon wing fabrics and the new tetra-poly-propyl-hydra-penta-carbon-5 Dyneema replacement racing lines.

Insiders at "Crass Cuntry" (ouch!) have told us that early prototypes included printing with Ketchup and Bulls Blood, but both test runs ended in disaster involving various household pets, several family members and at least one stomach pumping at the local A&E.

Added advantages of the new tofu based printing have also been reported, claiming that it can be boiled down with sweet'n'sour sauce (10 pages per teaspoonful) to provide a lovely side dish for most chinese cuisine. Latest reports, however, do suggest it does make you fart. You have been warned.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script