WELCOME TO the new world. It seems that women are about to arrive at our launch sites in their thousands. That's right, it's the news we've all been waiting for and it's all thanks to the "RearGuard pour Femme, by Elisabeth Harden", the latest creation from those marketing wizards at U-Stern. Manufacturers have clearly been reading the wrong magazines for decades, but those market-spinning wankers at U-Spin have been at it once again. They've even street tested their new catchy marketing tag, "RearGuard pour Femme. Just feel yourself".
Luckily your reporting team here at Pie are above all that marketing shite, we know what our readers want, we're only interested in the naked figures. We contacted U-Turd chief stylist Ernst Van-Truble for some technical details.
"We had been searching for something new for ages", he told us in perfect english, "but it wasn't until this blonde babe came into the shop and bent over the counter that the idea hit me".
"It had been staring me in the face all the time", he continued, "what we needed was a little something for the ladies. We went straight out and grabbed the first 20 women we could find and asked them what they liked and how they liked it. The results were an eyeopener, I can tell you. We had to rule out a whole raft of crazy shit before we realised that us men know better."
Pie reporter Josephine "Fifi" Lentement rapidly ran out of patience with these idiots and decided to take a look for herself. Gone are the tough 35kN risers, they've been replaced by red ribbons with matching double bows just above the 2nd cascade of each brake line. The brake toggles have been swapped out for new hypo-allegenic, non-animal tested sheepskin mittens and directly below the brakes on the right D-riser we discovered a mobile phone holder in the shape of a cute panda, stunning work.
Best of all, we felt, was the simple and yet ingenius vanity mirror that they have somehow managed to pre-fit to the left A-riser which they claim is adjustable in-flight. German technology is Vorsprung it would seem. Apparently, attachments are also available to allow in-flight storage of throw-pillows and various cuddly toys, but we couldn't hang around any longer as we desperately needed a beer.
Interestingly, we noted the new wing sizes chosen by the U-Bend marketing specialists. Gone are the traditional XS-XL sizing that we are familiar with, now we have to adapt to the new sizes. In the US the sizings are 30-22-32, 34-24-34 and 40-32-44 and in europe the sizes are Petite, Cute and Cuddly.
When we found out that supermodel Kate Floss had been signed up to be the new "face" for the "Rearguard" ad campaign we just couldn't help ourselves. We caught up with her at the FluggelHorn takeoff as she was being strapped into a cerise & lavender harness. "They never tell me anything", she said. "They came to me with half a mill in cash and a kilo of powder and told me I was the new face of UpTurn. Fuck knows what I'm doing here freezin my tits off in Austria, not exactly a beach in the Bahamas is it?"
"When they were babbling on about wings I thought it was a new brand of tampon", she continued, "By the time I found out the truth I'd spent the money and blown half the snuff". She then proceeded to ignore us and talk to a gay bloke called Kevin.
Well, by now we'd had about enough of this bollocks, so we contacted Chris IchiCrotche, one of the more shy & retiring americans we know. He told us, "Looks like they've just taken the same old crap they sell to the fat men and are trying to re-market it to the thin women. Maybe it'll help stop all the blatent ladish sexism in this sport, though".
Praise the lord for some sanity at last, although we didn't quite understand what he meant about sexism.
Remember, if you order your "RearGuard pour Femme" before December, you'll get a free years subscription to Kozmo, the Polish Acro Mag and a weeks supply of moisturising balms. Wow.
Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script
Funnier than the 2003 "George Bush Carrier Landing" script