Long Haul

(thoughts on travelling by Bill Bryson's wind dummy)

SO YOU'VE arrived. You're on holiday. You've finally made it to that paragliding paradise at long last after 3 months of painful waiting and all those long weeks surfing the net and staring at the photos. If the truth be told, some nights you've even fallen asleep dreaming of getting here. This year, yet again, you've chosen the perfect location for your level of flying and the type of distances you want to do. This years gadget is safely tucked away in the rucksack, all shiny and new, and you even brought the manual just in case configuring it gets a bit too complicated. Over the last couple of weeks you've had your wing serviced and the reserve repacked, even the batteries in your instruments are brand new. Everything is in order. Things don't get any better than this. Life is sweet.

Stepping off the bus you sense a change in the air though. Phew, it sure is colder up these hills than it was in the city, but that's ok, you'll be used to it in an hour you tell yourself. You tie your fleece around your waste, throw your rucksack on your back and with a quick check of the hand-drawn map from the fly-guide you head off down the road. You're striding out purposefully, keen to get there. You're keen to get that first flight this evening, even though it'll only be an evening float, nothing special, it'll be the perfect opportunity to clean out the cobwebs and get a feel for the new geography. While striding down the road you take the opportunity to get a good look at the village, your new home for a week or so. It sure is a beautiful little place and the locals always look so relaxed, nothing like back home. Your mind races ahead as you look at the lifestyle the locals must have. If only you could make a decent living here, sufficient income to upgrade a DHV-2 every couple of years. You're thinking fast now. It's an option, you could do it, there's nothing to stop you, you'd milk goats for a living if it paid well enough. You would, you swear you would. It's only work and think of the benefits of living in such a relaxed environment with all that great flying on hand, it would be paradise. You promise yourself that you'll give it more thought later in the week. Right now though, you need to find that fly-guide and get up those mountains for that evening flight. Your stride lengthens as you press on.

You pass a bar and notice a couple of paragliding posters inside the door. Wow, you've found it already. This is clearly where you'll be spending a couple of hours every night swapping stories with your new flying buddies over 2 or 3 glasses of the local beer this week. Nice cold beers too, not like the usual stuff back home. Maybe you won't like it at first, but it'll grow on you and by Tuesday you'll wonder why you thought it tasted funny when you first tried it. In fact you can almost taste it right now, cool & refreshing, washing away the dust of a good days flying. Rounding the last corner on the little map you see the house you're looking for. You dig deeper. Your head droops. You're almost charging up the road now. You're full of excitement and enthusiasm now, maybe even a touch of adrenaline is beginning to flow from the shear anticipation of getting up those mountains in an hour or so. You lift your head and your eyes wander up to the hills where you see a steady flow of light cloud. They're nothing to worry about, you say, almost out loud. Even though they seem to move differently than the clouds you're used to, they don't look threatening and they're probably there every day. You'll quickly understand them, you know it, and the fly-guide will confirm all your ideas, he lives here, he flies with them every day. You force yourself to look away from the hills, you're only 50m away now. Then it happens.

Unexpected and without warning a wall of water hits you. No! Not now! Oh yes. It's pissing down. Right here, right now, 50m from the front door. It's not just light rain either, this is a downpour. Where did it come from? You didn't see any base cloud coming over or any of the normal warnings, this seems to have appeared from nowhere, there wasn't even a light shower preceding it or anything. Put quite simply, it has suddenly and quite obviously started wazzing it down. You run straight up to the front door of the house but it doesn't help much, you're soaked already and your rucksack is dripping.

Banging on the door to get them to let you in won't help much either. You know it. Yeah, maybe it'll get you out the rain, maybe you can dry your rucksack before it soaks in, but that's not what's worrying you. It doesn't help to ease the shear dread that's creeping up your spine. This isn't the first time this has happened is it? You know. Deep down in your heart, you just know. It isn't going to stop for 4 days.

This holiday, just like every holiday, is time off work. Time off work, that valuable commodity, something you don't have much of, so maybe you should turn around now and use these valuable days elsewhere. Maybe you could head to the coast or down south or even get another cheap flight somewhere else. Let's face it, you could be back at the airport in 3 hours. But you won't, will you? You can't, all those sundrenched photos you've been staring at for 3 months are telling you that tomorrow it'll break and then you'll be flying those XC's that you came here for. Will it break? Will you still be thinking these thoughts in 3 days while drinking coffee and watching the rain out of the kitchen window? The almost forgotten painful memory of last years trip where it didn't start raining until 3 days into your holiday come rushing back. At least last year you had the chance to get a feel for the conditions and get comfortable in the big air before your holiday was ruined.

When he opens the door... if he says it... you swear you'll hit him.

The door opens, and a smiling face greats you and shakes your hand. Before you is a man who's clearly happy with his life, he looks relaxed and comfortable and is genuinely pleased to meet you. Oh no, he did it, he glanced over your shoulder. He checked. God, he's going to say it.

"Hi, come on in. Do you fancy a coffee?", he says in slightly broken english, "What luck, eh? You know, this is the first rain we've seen in 2 months. You should have been here last week. Classic conditions."

"Black with two sugars, please", is all you can manage.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1968 "Neil Armstrong missing ladder" gag" videos

Book Review

ALWAYS HAPPY to review new paragliding products as part of our service to the flying community, Pie were chuffed to receive a pre-publication copy of the latest paragliding book. Top author Ian "Hot Wings" Curry, famous co-author of the timeless classic "Touching Cloudbase: Guiding a Complete Paraglider", a classic free-flight introduction on most pilots shelves since the early 90's, has decided to add another book to our list of "top reads".

This time, Ian has teamed up with top SIV & XC guru Sandy Jockstrap to write the new book with a preliminary title "Touching Cloth: Guiding a Complete Tosser" and is tentatively aimed at the novice XC pilot and those wishing to take their first tentative steps away from the ridge.

We tracked Ian down with plans to publish an interview alongside our book review, but he told us to "piss off". He said he'd heard all about us and wanted nothing to do with a bunch of unethical shysters who only print bullshit. He said he was a professional author and we could shove it. As you well know, it takes more than mere insults to keep a Pie journalist down, so we flew to Turkey, where "The Jockster", as he likes to be known, had never heard of us and was more than happy to sit down and talk. This was lucky really as we rapidly realised that "The Strapster" was the man we should have been speaking to all along. A true mediteranean superstar. Not some grey Brit with a baggy jumper & wellies who moves onto kites & windsurfers as soon as he's bored with our fantastic sport.

"So, Strap, how's it hangin?", we started.

"Good question, matey", he said. "Oh yeah, the book. Right. Well, Ian did all the writing really but the new publishers suggested he bring in someone with a face that's known in the industry to help sell a couple more thousand copies. So tell me, did you bring your trunks? Come on, let's have a swim".

So, back we went to the UK and begged Ian for an interview, but he wasn't having any of it. He even threatened to phone the police if we didn't leave him alone. So, apologies readers, it looks like the review will have to stand by itself.

The book itself is ok with a nice cover pic of "The Sandster" upside-down in his harness and the contents page is really well layed out. There were some more pictures somewhere in the middle with a few colour photos of "The Jock" standing up in his harness and some others shots of hills with arrows on the top of them. A couple more seemed to show some villages in valleys with funny, hand-drawn arrows shaped like chimneys, and there was one funny looking diagram of the "atmosphere", whatever that is, with a few wavy lines all over it. We've never seen these things while flying so they probably aren't that important. It most certainly discusses thermalling because Chapter 3 is titled "How to Thermal", and the XC stuff is probably in the last 2 chapters respectively titled "Landing Out" & "Dining Out", but we're not sure we never got that far.

In conclusion, it's quite a good book with a blue cover. We liked it, although it could do with more pictures, and as far as we're concerned it's a keeper. It's definitely staying on our bookshelves. Quite frankly, after the way the authors have treated us, we're damned if we're sending it back.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1968 "Neil Armstrong missing ladder" gag" videos

Sticky Stuff

HERE AT Pie recently, we've been thinking of ways to improve our image and during a quick brainstorming session someone suggested the idea of wing sponsorship. Good idea, yes, but sadly we were clueless. How do you get a logo on a wing? What do you use as material? How do you get a shiny corporate logo to look so crisp and clean on a wing? Clearly this was something that needed looking at in depth.

We put out some feelers and rapidly discovered there are a variety of methods for getting a logo on a wing, some of which we'd never heard of, and it was becoming clear this was an ideal excuse for some Pie testing. We purchased six 2-year old DHV-1 wings and prepared each with the Pie logo using one of the following methods.

Stick-on ripstop: all went really well as the ripstop material was easy to apply and during the flight tests, Chuck "Winnie" Bago, our test pilot, seemed happy there were no adverse aerodynamic effects to the wing. We even managed to get quite a few publicity shots done, before Chuck could no longer hold back and headed off to find some thermals and make a day of it. The sticky material held up well for the first hour, right up until one particulary strong core, when the entire logo was ripped from the surface of the wing. Consequently, Pie in the Sky are pleased to announce our new sponsorship deal with a Vodafone mast somewhere in the Pyrenees, slightly to the east of Castejon-de-Sos we think. Golden Eagles and Griffon Vultures had not been our intended advertising market, but clearly they will have to do, as we're certainly not climbing that hill and working out how to get up a 200ft mast to get our logo back.

Stitch-on ripstop: unfortunately due to overenthusiasm on the part of our machinists and the use of stronger thread than originally intended, the test flight was one of the more interesting. The test wing failed to fully open at takeoff and, as it turned out, this was the wing we had taken to our only local cliff where there are very little in the way of takeoff abort options. Once in the air the stitching won the battle and, suffice to say, it is possible to fly 2 halves of a ripped paraglider independently. With half a wing attached to each carabiner it turns out that each half can be flown as an independent wing, and as long as you don't deep stall either half you'll be fine apparently. In fact, Chuck had so much fun, we've registered it at the patents office and are currently waiting for Blozone to get in touch regarding licencing before making it their next "latest-thing". As far as the logo is concerned Chuck was full of praise for the "Pie-in" half which held up pretty well, but the "the-Sky" section failed to perfom he felt. "It couldn't glide for shit", were Chucks final words on the matter.

Iron-on ripstop: quite a simple technique really. Simply set the iron on the minimum setting, no hotter than 20°C (68F) and place the logo anywhere on wing. What could go wrong? Not being particularly good with household chores we made the near-fatal mistake of giving it to chief-editor Rod Bailout's mum, who proceeded with the iron set to its maximum temperature. With steam. It would also seems that she then proceeded to iron the entire wing, adding creases when folding it, apparently so it would fit in the laundry cupboard. So please remember to be very specific if you're planning to leave the ironing to someone else. The testing bore all the hallmarks of another classic Pie day out as Chuck had the fright of his life when a slight crosswind caused the entire wing to concertina left to right along the aforementioned beautifully ironed creases. It really has to be seen to be believed, but apparently mothers ironed creases are stronger than mother nature. You've never seen a pilot reach for his reserve so fast, and Chuck has since asked to be removed from the Pie test-pilot list.

Large paper-based stickers: this was a unique test in many ways. We have used stickers on our helmets for years and could see no reason not to use larger ones on the bottom of the wing. Chuck, having been persuaded to fly again, said he was happy with them, and that the added weight had less impact than we originally expected. In fact, if a stronger adhesive is used we feel this could be the way forward. The only drawback of not using a permanent adhesive became apparent when, after a particularly violent frontal collapse, a lifted corner stuck to the front of Chucks helmet. The entire sticker unpeeled itself as the wing re-inflated, leaving Chuck unable to see a damn thing and looking like an oversized chinese spring roll. Luckily, Chuck was still able to hear through his integrated headset, and we managed to safely talk him down into some small trees near the official landing field. We look forward to further testing with permanent adhesive in the future, assuming we can get Chuck to talk to us again.

Direct ink printing: next up was printing ink directly onto the surface of the wing fabric and, to be honest, it looked great, in fact it produced one of the best results in terms of getting an exact replica of the design. Things took a turn for the worse quite quickly, however, as we arrived on-site ready to do some flight testing. Upon opening the stuff sack, we discovered the ink was a little more corrosive than expected and had produced what can best be described as a three dimensional effect in the wing surface. This was a Pie test after all, so nothing could stop us from a full and complete set of results. Chuck, on the other hand, could not be persuaded to get out the van, so we resorted to strapping 3 full Kamelbacs into the harness, inflated it by hand, and pushed it off the hill. Chuck had clearly shown incredible foresight when declining this flight as we soon found ourselves picking up small pieces of chemically corroded ripstop nylon from the hillside, and very soon after that, in the queue at Decathlon for three new kamelbacs.

Tied 'n' Dyed wash-in: not really suitable for direct product advertising, this method is more appropriate for someone wishing to stand out in the crowd, but we've included it in our test to help finish off the Chuck storyline and to give the article a balanced feel. The Tied 'n' Dyed method involves stuffing your wing into a protective cloth bag, putting the whole damn lot in the washing machine along with half a cup of bleach and two spoons of your favourite material dye. The only thing that needs to be double checked is the setting on the washing machine, so please make sure you use the super-cool setting with a maximum temperature of 30°C. No rinse. No spin. Once the machine has finished, simply remove the wing and hang it up to dry, just as you would if your favourite SIV manouvre had gone wrong and they'd fished you out Lake Annecy with a big stick. The very next day things were looking good, the wing had dried out successfully, we'd re-stretched the lines and re-attached the harness. At takeoff, the wing came up well and looked stunning in its new colour scheme with streaks of electric pink zipping cross the surface, giving the wing a strange hippie look. Here was a wing that would stand out in the crowd all right. Chuck demanded 500 bucks cash to get out the van and a further 500 to get strapped in, although once kiting the wing, he looked confident and up for it. Very rapidly he settled down, turned and went. Unfortunately for Chuck, it rapidly became obvious we had buggered up the temperature setting with the washing machine and the wing had "shrunk in the wash". From a simple visual inspection the wing looked perfect, it held it's shape & kited really well, but as Chuck was now discovering, it was now only about 25% of its original size and capable of supporting the full weight of a 4 year old child. Unfortunately for Chuck, he was a full grown man and currently accelerating down the glide path like a cruise missile on finals. We'd seen speedgliding before, but no-one's ever seen this before. Trust us. Looking through the binoculars we could see his attempt to flare as he "came in", but this only resorted in a conversion of energy and he instantly climbed about a Km or so. The wing stalled at the apogee and then rocketed back down towards the forest on the other side of the landing field. We got another quick glimpse of what may have been an attempted "flare" about 5Km away, and then we lost sight of him. When we drove off to look for him we had no trouble finding the outstandingly coloured wing but Chuck, however, was no-where to be found.

After the dust settled on the testiong fiasco we decided against spending our publicity budget on wing advertising, instead we spent the whole lot in the bar raising a glass to our long lost test pilot Chuck. The last we heard, Chuck was selling mango's in Barbados and had no intention of either restarting his flying career or re-entering journalism. Good luck Chuck.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1968 "Neil Armstrong missing ladder" gag" videos