Standards are a changin'

WELL IT'S started. The new european standards are up and running and testing is already being carried out by at least one LightBlue Testing House and the DVH are trembling in their jackboots.

It's true folks, those quaint old folk down at the EEC-CEE-emc² have decide to apply their light touch to paraglider certification and it's going really well. Oh yes, really well.

"The new certification standard EU15-123.5623.78/PG/i/12.99 Rel 1.90 (part II) has been printed and is flying off the shelves", said Valerie duShag Villeneuve, PR rep with We Love Trees Inc, the sub-contractor for all EU standards worth less than 1000 euros/year and needing more than 10000 sheets of paper per volume.

"Everyones talking about it", she continued, "Just go to any hill and ask the pilots. You don't even have to be a pilot you know. I'm not."

So we did. We went to Annecy, Piedrahita, the Long Mynd, Torrey Pines and that little takeoff alongside Brighton which only works in a sea breaze, you know the one.

We had a lot of replies, and here's a representative sample;

"What? Eh? Get back! The prop on these things will kill you!"

"What? EC-what? I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Now piss off."

"What? No idea. Mine's a DHV-2."

Amazingly the DVH were available for comment. "Well, we knew it would happen eventually", said Klaus TestMier, "It just upsets us that it's those miserable un-regulated French bastards that are behind it all. Over."

"They're nicking all our good ideas, you know, it's downright theft", he went on, "and what's more, they get all the fun down there, they've got the Alps and everything. It's just not right that they get to set the standards for everyone too. It's always been the Germans that set rules, everyone knows it. It's because we're good at it. Over."

"Roger that", we say.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

New DHV 1-2

IT IS rumoured that Hairwave stylist Bruce Goldwyn-Meyer is taking time out from his comb, scissors and the re-design of the new 1-2. After months of design work it is rumoured they only have the name left to choose. We caught up with him at Heathrow Terminal 2 departure lounge.

"We realize now that the naming convention we chose 5 years ago was not exactly a wise decision. We started with the 'Sport', followed by the "not so Sport II' and finished up with the 'Downright Un-Sport III' and this clearly was not the way to go", he said.

An insider has told Pie that they are looking at reversing the logic over the next 5 years. Supposedly they will start with the 'Old', followed by the 'Not So Old II' and finish up with the ass-kicking 'Positively New Bastard III'. We'll just have to wait and see, or as BHAP Safety rep John "Jonners" Johnson said, "We'll just have to wait until the rules are changed again and everyone has to hoola under a different bar."

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

Speed Gliding Setbacks

KEEN NOT to let the fun continue the Swiss Police are getting in on the new SpeedGliding craze of "Bombing down a mountain and almost killing yourself" with the introduction of the new "SlopeCam" (see picture).

Leutnant-Oberst Franz Klammer of the Polizeidepertement spoke to the press yesterday saying, "Affter lotz of analiziz ve haff found zat the breaking off all zerr radioz is not stoppin zee pilots from zerr flyingz. From November ze first ve vill be issueing speeding tiketts on ze vay down zee hills."

"Ze location of ze speed cameraz is a zecret and one veech no amount of torturez can divulge."

It took Pie 60 seconds of browsing with Google to find the "www.swiss-slopecams.com" website which lists all known and future locations of the webcams. The available downloads should keep you up-to-date until next year when the new range of BraunRazoriger varios are due for release. The latest generation of varios will be SlopeCam-Aware© and it should be possible to programme-in an audible alert. Thus allowing pilots to keep their eyes on the slopes while flying down mountains at speeds over 200kph.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

New Acro Maneouvre

THE NEW hot acro sensation doing the rounds at this summers festivals has been the new maneouvre the "McDoughnut-Sugar-Twisted-Pomme-de-Terre".

Apparently, it's the latest invention of ACRO twins Jean-Pierre & Juan-Carlos Ushakeitov, from Weston-Super-Mare, England, and it's a tough one to get out of. Speaking to Pie at the weekend they said "Well, man, you know, normally you kind of go into an inverted spider and just hold the potato above your head, but with the new "Sugar Twisted" we found we needed to hold the right riser between the teeth while pulling on the outside brake with our left foot. It keeps the rotational energy high enough to counterbalance the whatsit, you see?"

Later on in the flying bar and speaking off the record Juan-Carlos told us, "Well, it's like this, I was trying simple wingovers over Valladares in June and all hell broke loose. The wing was everywhere I had no fucking idea what was going on or what to do about it. I just froze, you know, shitting myself. After, like ages man, I just went hands-up and it sorted itself out, like."

"I'd lost 3000ft in altitude and was crying for my mama when it came out on its own".

Unluckily for JC someone caught the whole event on video, and so the "McDoughnut-Sugar-Twisted-Pomme-de-Terre" was born.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

Parole Rights

IT IS coming to our attention that certain ex-cons in the US are being given unparalled access to free-flying sites as part of the new California Dept of Corrections "Keep em off the streets" rehabilitation campaign. John Tightwad, Chairperson of the California Free-Flying Association, was on-site and clearly not happy, "I had to dive into my kids college fund to get my last wing", he said. "and here are these car thieves & muggers getting them for free".

We sent our undercover photographer, Steve "Sidewinder" McShutter along to Marshall, California and he got these images of ex-cons obviously enjoying the smooth soaring conditions prior to using that 8.34567 glide ratio.

Please note the lack of any fully-functioning automatic speedbar retraction system in these images. Disgraceful.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

Nasty Rumour Circulating

THE RUMOUR that the weather actually turned out nice for a UK flying festival is still circulating and gaining momentum. People have been posting photographs of "gliders in the air" and then purporting to have taken the photos at the "Homegrown 2006 Puddle Jumping Games".

Keen to chase this up and put the rumour to bed, we did a little digging. We managed to collar Games organiser Justin Muchly, under his Burberry umbrella and running for his BMW, "What? Flying? Oh, I don't know about that sort of thing old chap, I just lease out my fathers field at 8 thou a week."

We also managed to catch up with acro superstar Raul Rolla Wingtip, who told us, "Flyin? Weeza here for de dope. Mi parapente esta en casa, tio"

So it's going to be pretty much up to Joe Paraglider to decide if any flying actually took place. Examine these exclusive images. Are they the real deal or have they been tampered with? You decide.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

eNova Re-Branding

INDUSTRY LEADERS were today absorbing the eNova International shock announcement that from 2007 they will be phasing out the catchy "oo" naming concept. One industry insider came outside to give us the inside info, "I just can't believe it", said Simon Whistle-Cartwright, "We've just got used to the -oo names and we had been looking forward to some real belters in the near future. Now they're just going to drop them, just like that".

Hands Pampas, eNova chief designberger, was unavailable for comment yesterday, however, we did manage to track down one man unafraid to comment, eNova test pilot Bendi Toner. He was quoted as saying, "Who gives a shit what they call them, just as long as they keep giving them to me for free".

Share prices in online gambling companies have soared since the announcement. "Clearly we're chuffed", said Stokem Johansson, senior analyst with betyoursalary.com. Pie-in-the-Sky has discovered that over 15M euros of betting had taken place based on false rumours that the 2006 eNova DHV-1 would be called the "NoPoo". It is also believed that 10M euros is riding on "GumBoo" or "HoldYoo" as the new tandem and 5M riding on the new upcoming PPG wing, current favourites being "ScramBoo" and "CantHearYoo".

eNova competitors seemed in upbeat mood as they arrived home after the Annual "Loop-a-de-loop" French fancy dress party held in Hilly du Troosers. Bruce Goldchain, Hairwave Stylist, was quoted as saying "eNova who? Got any paracetemol?"

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos