In Flight Food

FOR YEARS now we've all been searching for the perfect food to eat while working those thermals haven't we? Not too big, not too small, sufficient slow-release energy, etc. These were some of the criteria we set for ourselves in our quest for the perfect in-flight food. That's right readers, time for some testing.

We took various freely available snack products and put them through their paces in our definitive Pie test.

First up and always a popular choice, the "KLogs Lo-Cal, Veggie-Nut, Muesli Hippy Bar" at $4 for a pack of 6. We found the energy supply somewhat lacking but were impressed with the taste, overall, however, we felt the bars failed to perform. We were particularly annoyed that after eating one or two bars we spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get nuts out from between our teeth through full-face helmets with gloves on while thermalling. Pie-rated: 3-star in-flight food.

Next up were "Opel Fruit" and "Wine Gum" chewy sweets ($5/kg) in a joint test, where we simply rewarded ourselves with a sweet after every thermal top-out (great tip, thanks AT). Both provided great energy supply and isn't that sugar hit wonderful. We found that if you eat them at regular intervals the energy supply is pretty constant throughout the afternoon, although the hardest part, we felt, was not eating them all on takeoff or during the first glide. The Opel Fruits failed to impress at the end of the day as it took 3 of us, 20 minutes in a cow field to chase the bloody wrappers around and put them back in our pockets. Wine Gums, however, were Pie-rated as 5-star in-flight food.

Next through the hoop was the "BigMan Hi-tech, Pro-Booster Vita-Carb Sports Bar" at $54 each. The budget stretched to buying 2 of these babies, and we were pretty keen to try them out I can tell you. Unfortunately, the wrappers proved so tough that both test bars were dropped accidentally from around 4000ft during the struggle to get them open. Clearly we marked this up as a failure and the bars scored zero coveted Pie-stars.

Finally, and especially for those who fly in cooler climbs, we rigged up 12-volt battery-powered toasters to our cockpits and set about testing some "Pop-Tarts". All seemed to be going great, right up until the infamous turbulant thermal event of 2:30pm, when apparently the toaster dial was accidentally moved to the dark-brown setting. Suffice to say, it is possible to cut free from a flaming wing and all praise to those boys down at Metamorphasic and their Conical reserve chutes. After all they're not actually designed to open in free-fall. "Pop-Tarts" were deemed very expensive in-flight food and are not recommended by the Pie testers or our local hospital burns unit.

So "Wine Gums", the all round 5-star in-flight food and safer option.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

Thrilla in Manilla

THAT'S RIGHT readers, the 2007 World Championships have gone katabatic and it's blowing over the back on launch. "The law is an ass" Dickens said, and it would appear that those that implement it aren't much better. Here at Pie we've been watching this fiasco closely and can no longer refrain from reporting on it.

In case you don't know, the "Worlds" is a competition that's held every couple of years, during which the worlds top pilots pretend to fly in teams for their country, while actually trying to be the best pilot in the world. The next comp will take place in a couple of months in Manilla, Australia where the event is being organised by Ozzie cross-country hound Godless Windfree, famed for his big hill and his fancy launch trousers. The FIA/SIVL rules are being applied so all top comp pilots can participate unless you're Portuguese. That's right, unless you're Portuguese. The Portuguese Federação, the FPLV, has told its pilots they cannot compete because it doesn't think one of the rules is fair. The rule in question was actually changed at a pleniary in February 2006, however, the old rule is still being applied to the Manilla comp.

"It's just bloody unbelievable mate", said Bruce 'Brushfire' Barnes, local tandem pilot. "These bloody foreign wooses show up here, get the whole worlds attention focused on 'em, and then they have the nuts to fuckin' complain about the shittin' facilities", he continued, "Christ almighty mate, these guys are gettin' shitters especially put up for 'em, I mean, normally we get 0+0 and nothin' but a newspaper & 200 flies for company. Bunch of bloody fudgepackers the lot of 'em."

0+0? What was he talking about? We were curious, clearly it was time to dig deeper. We found that in top competitions, toilet facilities are allocated and controlled on a per team basis. Reading the small print, we discovered that each team is allowed a set number of 'flushes' per day, for example, top teams are allowed 3 pisses and a shit each, whereas the lower ranking teams are only allowed 2 pisses + 1 shit. Well, the wind was coming round now and we were beginning to understand why Portugal felt aggrieved, top countries were being allocated 3+1 daily dumps while other countries were only being allowed 2+1. Even we could see that this was pretty unfair and as only 150 bums are allowed in the toilet area at any one time for safety reasons, it was quite clear to us that someone was always going be left out in the cold with their legs crossed.

We needed some expert opinion on the subject so we contacted the FIA for comment. "Sorry, there's no-one available to take your call at the moment, please leave a message after the tone and someone will get back to you. If your calling about the Manilla 2+1 situation, save your breath, all information is currently being diseminated via our mates and a couple of non-specific press releases. Beeeeeep'. In journalistic terms this was excellent news, someone in the loop who was not prepared to comment. Someone we could blame it on, a scapegoat. Someone who was unprepared to defend themselves.

So with little in the way of comment from those guilty bastards down at the FIA, we went direct to the instigators, the Portuguese. "It's simply no good for the sport and we're not going to stand for it anymore", said Alberto Bomvoo in word perfect English. "Those bloody SIVL idiots have screwed it up again and who pays the price?", he went on, "Well, not us, not this time, fuck 'em, we're not going to stand for it anymore. Even if they offer to leave us out of the team toilet process we're not having it, we're not going to stand for it anymore. In fact the way we feel right now, they could even back down and give us a pisspot each on launch and we're still not going, we're just not going to stand for it anymore." Now you don't have to be a journalist to understand that these people are upset, so upset they're prepared to screw up the championships for their own pilots. The Portuguese spent time & money to effect what they considered to be a change for the better in an unfair system, only to discover that those running the system don't understand their own rules well enough to apply them correctly, and they're just not going to stand for it anymore.

On the third side of this Bermuda Triangle stands Godless, the organiser. A man with a lot of financial investment in the competition. A man sitting alone on takeoff in a 0+1 situation. Will he break even? Will he make A$100 profit? Will the bank repossess his second house? Surely he must be shitting himself, let's face it, if other countries also pull out he'll need more than a paddle to get out of this creek. Somewhat understandably, Godless was reluctant to comment but our down-under reporter Pete Loboff was on hand and he managed to interview Gladys McGillagan, cleaning lady at 'The Mount'.

"It's been a bleedin' nightmare, love", she said, "There's no livin' with him these days, ever since he heard the news about those foreigners not comin' over like they said they would. He tells me its all down to someone called Silvia Steward or something, and she gave him some bad advice on what he should do with the shitters. He says they could screw it all up for him. I clean the toilets every day, darlin', and I just don't understand what the problem is. You know, by the look of him, he's just not sleeping at nights and I don't think it's doing him any good at all."

So there you have it readers, the 2007 Worlds, a right royal cock up already. Here at Pie we find ourselves reluctant to offer any advice to the worlds top pilots, after all they're bloody good. We are, however, prepared to render a couple of nuggets.

"Pack you're own toilet roll this time guys, and plan for queues."

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

2007 Columbia Open

ENTRIES ARE now being taken for the 2007 Columbian Open 6K Challenge for April of next year.

The all new competition will be based in and around the beautiful Chichi-Manga National Park, 90k north of Bogota, an area famed for its natural beauty, interesting rock formations, cascading waterfalls and an above average quantity of cheap roadside women with no underwear.

The competition is expected to be fierce and we've been told that several of the worlds top pilots are already in training for this specific event.

Avian Tomas, one-time British Champion and part-time wedding photographer told us, "I'm entering this comp because of the sense of fair play for which Columbia is world renound and I'm taking this one seriously."

"We even booked time in the wind tunnel just to test the new ballast holder required for this competition", continued LowMass, while munching on a low-fat cheese sandwich and doing a little long hand multiplication. Looking over his shoulder we were a little surprised to find some basic errors though, for example, we thought these days everyone would be aware of the errors in the Zaitsev & Sharina fluid models. Clearly standards are dropping at British Universities.

Comp organiser Juan Ignacio "Nacho" Rodriguez Orezuela of the Cali district told us, "We is a heddin al norte to the parapente zones with our trucks man and we'z hespectin little resistance. Now back da fuck away, de boss is comin in 10 minutz and we don't wants no trouble"

To enter the comp you will need to present your IPPI-5 card, a valid passport and have your harness fitted with the new airtight "6Kees" ballast container from SoupAir, the French poofs who never answer their phone.

This years prize money is expected to top last years and is currently set at 2.6 million US, although this could change depending on certain street-based factors. All the usual international competition services are planned including "armed" retrieve vehicles and an escort to the launch gate which is expected to open at "anytime after 12, maybe".

Unique to the comp world, the Columbian Open has only one waypoint. Easily identifiable on any map, it's 10cm wide and approximately 3140km long. If you have trouble programming your GPS, just ask anyone for directions to "the border".

Don't be too surprised to find fast cars approaching you upon landing, it's just the local custom. Simply follow their instructions exactly, let them have the ballast, and they will give you your prize money.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

What language is that?

WE STUMBLED upon a news story just waiting for investigation last month while looking for comments on our "USHPA Name Change" article. As an integral part of our research we had gone out to Gory Pains GliderPort to get some pilot reaction. Whoa, stop. GliderPort?

We thought the same Pie readers. GliderPort? Well, apparently that's what they call them in California. We only have regular schools & hills here, but in California you get GliderPorts too. We had a good snoop around thinking maybe we could steal the idea and export it back to Europe and for a few fleeting moments we imagined a shiny new "Pie in the Sky" GliderPort, something with lots of shiny chrome maybe. The dream was short lived, however, as we set about understanding the differences between the traditional school & a simple hill versus the shiny new, 21st century GliderPort.

In a few short minutes we had some of the main differences listed. At a GliderPort you get coffee machines, clearly marked parking, R/C planes, queues, clearly marked parking, legal waivers and all the spectators you could wish for. Did we mention the car parking? Now we're metropolitan europeans and we're used to fast change and innovation, but we were truly amazed at this new "learning" concept.

"Why would anyone want to go to a stinky old hill with a few other students, a couple of instructors and an old van when you could come and fly somewhere like this", said Paul Gutbucket, a student. "I think the old ways of learning are over, man", he continued, "I can learn here in comfort and without a care in the world. If it starts raining, like last weekend, I can nip over to my car, it's that red one, and grab my umbrella in 10 seconds. My hair wouldn't even get wet, and if the rain really sets in, it's only a 3 minute drive to my sofa from here".

"Here at the GliderPort I'm surrounded by friends and family offering encouragement from the sidelines", he carried on, "and there are literally hundreds of other pilots here who I can learn from and they're all more than happy to answer my questions and help me along."

By now we were beginning to feel old. Maybe the world had moved on and left us behind, as this just didn't compare to our learning experiences of many years ago. We had been used to the old training model, simply jumping in an old van with two instructors & five other students. In those days, you just drove for 2 hours to a massive hill in the middle of nowhere and had approximately 50 sq. miles each to screw up in. In the new world, however, with convenience foods and data delivery to your video enabled mobile phone, everything has to be within 10 minutes of your doorstep.

Even, it seems, the peace and quiet of the distant mountains.

After several hours getting to understand this new experience, we only had one question left unanswered. GliderPort Rules 5-7 state, "One glider in the window at a time, Blow a whistle when entering the window & No turning or loitering in the window." Now here at Pie we know what a window is, we have them in our houses and our cars, but this was new to us. We've checked and we can't find any on our local hills and, after a brief search, not one of us carries any in our flying kit. If anyone out there knows where we can get a suitable window so that we can start GliderPort Flying, please let us know.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

Web Security Reminder

PIE IN the Sky would like remind all readers of the importance of computer and website security, we would like our readers to feel secure in their browsing and to ensure that your anti-virus software is up-to-date, that your operating systems have the latest patches and that your websites are secure and tickety-boo.

With that in mind we were dead chuffed to be told off-the-record that there was to be a discrete display of online security testing organised by those adrenaline junkies down at Loup-la-Soup. Yes, Blozone had clearly decided it was time to run some system tests and they were planning to do it online on their public website and were happy for the whole world to watch. Looking for knowledgable input, we invited Pie-Labs© testing manager Jonathon "grep it" Wendler, along to watch the whole event.

"Sounds like madness to me", he said as we grabbed coffee & popcorn and sat down to watch the show. "I'm amazed anyone would try that sort of testing on their public website, it's not what we would recommend", he continued, "It's ballsy alright, no doubt about it, but then those boys from Blozone chuck themselves out helicopters, so maybe it's what they're used to".

Apparently, and as it turns out mostly without the knowledge or authorisation of Blozone execs, engineers, web-admins or anyone else at Blozone, their system tester, Boris "fsck-l33t" Kalashnikov, tested their systems for them. At 3am CET. Yes, you got it, your top reporting team witnessed the entire fiasco as it unfurled.

Ozone double-entry guru, Mike LlanfairCavanagogogoch, was happy to go on record, "I told them '123abc' was a stupid password, but they just wouldn't listen", he said, "They told me to focus on wing design & sales and that they would handle the website, graphics & other cool stuff. They said a man of my age couldn't be expected to understand the latest techy terminology."

"Well, let me tell you something, matey, by 5am they were well aware of the two new cool phrases 'Well fucked up' & 'It's your neck, sonny' ", he continued, "Oh, and to top it off, of all the people in the world to be surfin the bleedin' net at the one time we don't want it was you Pie bastards".

Forthright, but true, we felt.

Happy to assist the testing in any way the Pie journalists grabbed a couple of screenshots of the events as they proceeded to fully test their systems. The following images have not been edited as this would have made them worthless to the Blozone guys in their efforts to enhance website security.

Does this look like an website for PG's & kites or for a website to catch your own christmas dinner?

For the record, and to clear up any possible misunderstanding, both Pie in the Sky and Blozone openly reject violence in all its forms and if you have any uncertainty as to what this means, just break out that old CD player and put on some Lennon.

Red faces? Sometimes a balaclava just isn't enough.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

Pie Logo Competition

AFTER LAST months shock discovery that Ushpa is not a village in Afganistan, but is actually the new name for the US Association, we have further discovered that they seem to be running a drawing competition for a shiny new logo and there's a prize fund of $750 up for grabs. In order to enhance next years Christmas Party Fund the staff at Pie quickly decided to enter and win the big bucks and what better way to do this than to organise our own mini-comp and enter our winner into the USHPA draw. All the usual Pie competition rules were in force, with the obvious exception of the 400m turnpoint radius.

Publishing the rules & regs on the company intranet we opened the comp to our journalists and their families & friends over the age of 4 and offered a first prize of a Junior Happy Meal from Burger King. Initially we received a some criticism regarding the graphic format requirements, apparently the feeling was that scalable vector-graphics might be a little too technical for the 4-7 age group, and indeed for the average artist too. Here at Pie Comp HQ we realised immediately they were probably right, but clearly didn't want to change the rules and look stupid, so screw 'em.

Once they pointed out that our entire competition was looking more than a little biased towards professional graphic artists and that might open us up to all sorts of Californian Class Action Suits, we rapidly allowed entries using pen, paper, crayons and indeed pigs blood on Egyptian papyrus if that's what they wanted.

Will God, national champ & multiple record holder had something to say on the matter, "This is just stupid, I got Daddys computer out and everything, and now you idiots at Pie have changed the rules. I mean I'll have to get Mommy to give me the big sheets of paper she keeps in the kitchen and everything now. I spent hours getting the sky just the right color and I'll have to do it all again now. Well it's just not fair, it's stupid and I'm not entering my painting now." He then abruptly ended the interview by stomping off and slamming his bedroom door loudly.

After all the fuss had died down, it became apparent that crayons were the artists material of choice, something we had been expecting for the 4-7 and 8-12 age groups, but somewhat surprised us that the over-21 category entrants chose crayons too as we had been expecting more oils and watercolours.

Choosing the winner was a difficult task due to the high quality of all the entries, and we'd like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to everyone who entered. In the end we decided that choosing the best painting was a good course of action, as we'd had enough politics for the year. So congratulations go to Dutch-born artist Vincent VanDriver, age 37 from the Bronx, your BK Happy Meal voucher is in the mail.

Here's a compressed vector-graphic thumbnail of his winning entry, as re-formatted by our in-house specialists for $2.37.

Sunset for Hangliders

We are now waiting to see how our winning logo does in the USHPA competition. Let's face it, we're only up against a few graphic designers and a bunch of un-artistic pilots.

Confidence is high.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene