THAT'S RIGHT readers, the 2007 World Championships have gone katabatic and it's blowing over the back on launch. "The law is an ass" Dickens said, and it would appear that those that implement it aren't much better. Here at Pie we've been watching this fiasco closely and can no longer refrain from reporting on it.
In case you don't know, the "Worlds" is a competition that's held every couple of years, during which the worlds top pilots pretend to fly in teams for their country, while actually trying to be the best pilot in the world. The next comp will take place in a couple of months in Manilla, Australia where the event is being organised by Ozzie cross-country hound Godless Windfree, famed for his big hill and his fancy launch trousers. The FIA/SIVL rules are being applied so all top comp pilots can participate unless you're Portuguese. That's right, unless you're Portuguese. The Portuguese Federação, the FPLV, has told its pilots they cannot compete because it doesn't think one of the rules is fair. The rule in question was actually changed at a pleniary in February 2006, however, the old rule is still being applied to the Manilla comp.
"It's just bloody unbelievable mate", said Bruce 'Brushfire' Barnes, local tandem pilot. "These bloody foreign wooses show up here, get the whole worlds attention focused on 'em, and then they have the nuts to fuckin' complain about the shittin' facilities", he continued, "Christ almighty mate, these guys are gettin' shitters especially put up for 'em, I mean, normally we get 0+0 and nothin' but a newspaper & 200 flies for company. Bunch of bloody fudgepackers the lot of 'em."
0+0? What was he talking about? We were curious, clearly it was time to dig deeper. We found that in top competitions, toilet facilities are allocated and controlled on a per team basis. Reading the small print, we discovered that each team is allowed a set number of 'flushes' per day, for example, top teams are allowed 3 pisses and a shit each, whereas the lower ranking teams are only allowed 2 pisses + 1 shit. Well, the wind was coming round now and we were beginning to understand why Portugal felt aggrieved, top countries were being allocated 3+1 daily dumps while other countries were only being allowed 2+1. Even we could see that this was pretty unfair and as only 150 bums are allowed in the toilet area at any one time for safety reasons, it was quite clear to us that someone was always going be left out in the cold with their legs crossed.
We needed some expert opinion on the subject so we contacted the FIA for comment. "Sorry, there's no-one available to take your call at the moment, please leave a message after the tone and someone will get back to you. If your calling about the Manilla 2+1 situation, save your breath, all information is currently being diseminated via our mates and a couple of non-specific press releases. Beeeeeep'. In journalistic terms this was excellent news, someone in the loop who was not prepared to comment. Someone we could blame it on, a scapegoat. Someone who was unprepared to defend themselves.
So with little in the way of comment from those guilty bastards down at the FIA, we went direct to the instigators, the Portuguese. "It's simply no good for the sport and we're not going to stand for it anymore", said Alberto Bomvoo in word perfect English. "Those bloody SIVL idiots have screwed it up again and who pays the price?", he went on, "Well, not us, not this time, fuck 'em, we're not going to stand for it anymore. Even if they offer to leave us out of the team toilet process we're not having it, we're not going to stand for it anymore. In fact the way we feel right now, they could even back down and give us a pisspot each on launch and we're still not going, we're just not going to stand for it anymore." Now you don't have to be a journalist to understand that these people are upset, so upset they're prepared to screw up the championships for their own pilots. The Portuguese spent time & money to effect what they considered to be a change for the better in an unfair system, only to discover that those running the system don't understand their own rules well enough to apply them correctly, and they're just not going to stand for it anymore.
On the third side of this Bermuda Triangle stands Godless, the organiser. A man with a lot of financial investment in the competition. A man sitting alone on takeoff in a 0+1 situation. Will he break even? Will he make A$100 profit? Will the bank repossess his second house? Surely he must be shitting himself, let's face it, if other countries also pull out he'll need more than a paddle to get out of this creek. Somewhat understandably, Godless was reluctant to comment but our down-under reporter Pete Loboff was on hand and he managed to interview Gladys McGillagan, cleaning lady at 'The Mount'.
"It's been a bleedin' nightmare, love", she said, "There's no livin' with him these days, ever since he heard the news about those foreigners not comin' over like they said they would. He tells me its all down to someone called Silvia Steward or something, and she gave him some bad advice on what he should do with the shitters. He says they could screw it all up for him. I clean the toilets every day, darlin', and I just don't understand what the problem is. You know, by the look of him, he's just not sleeping at nights and I don't think it's doing him any good at all."
So there you have it readers, the 2007 Worlds, a right royal cock up already. Here at Pie we find ourselves reluctant to offer any advice to the worlds top pilots, after all they're bloody good. We are, however, prepared to render a couple of nuggets.
"Pack you're own toilet roll this time guys, and plan for queues."
Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene