AFTER THE July investigation into speed systems, how deployment may be improved and the brief, and somewhat painful, discovery of the 101 ways to hurt your private parts with velcro, it seems one of our intrepid reporters has been giving the whole concept more thought. It's common place, for those flying without a stirrup, to stow the bar under the seat with velcro or a strap of some description and releasing this during the first few minutes of flight has been a constant, consistent, continual, consecutive, continuous and continuing difficulty for pilots worldwide.
Last weekend, while hanging about launch at a comp, Vilhelm 'Big Bill' Schlönginhänd, Pie's Scandinavian reporter, was struck with an idea. Knowing what it's like to try and stop a 2m tall, 125Kg Swede with a plan fixed firmly in his head, we decided to let him do whatever the hell he wanted. So we reached for our cameras and stood back.
Last weekend, while hanging about launch at a comp, Vilhelm 'Big Bill' Schlönginhänd, Pie's Scandinavian reporter, was struck with an idea. Knowing what it's like to try and stop a 2m tall, 125Kg Swede with a plan fixed firmly in his head, we decided to let him do whatever the hell he wanted. So we reached for our cameras and stood back.
Big Bill's idea was simple enough, although as it turned out, not to everyones taste.
"Böth händs äre pretty büsy ät täkeöff änd böth legs äre üsuälly döwn döing söme sört öf rünning, jögging ör simply fläiling äröund wäiting tö be cälled intö äctiön düring äny ünexpected impäct right?", he said. "This döesn't leäve müch in the wäy öf limbs äväiläble för detäching ä speedbär, döes it?"
"I suppose not.", said Wendel our head of all things technical.
"Sö why nöt üse äll yöür nätüräl resöürces?", he pressed on.
"Err....", we said collectively.
"Ärse cheeks", he announced.
"Err....", we said collectively.
"Ärse cheeks", he repeated. "Why nöt simply clench the bär in yöür cheeks änd releäse it when äirbörne?"
We paused, uncertain where this was going. Images of naked, middle-aged Swedish men running from saunas and rolling in the snow briefly flashed though more than one mind in the office and Silvia Sudds, personal assistant to the Chief Editor, actually put her camera back in her handbag.
"Clench the bar between your cheeks?", enquired Wendel. "But surely just sitting on it would be good enough? To release it you'd just need to lean forward and it'll fall down, right?"
"Nö, yöü dön't ünderständ. The bär isn't between yöür ärse änd the härness! The bär is ünderneäth. Belöw the härness.", he wasn't giving up.
"I give up", said Wendel, "You'll need to draw me a picture or something."
"Nö need!", announced Big Bill, "I've älreädy mödifed my härness änd given it ä few test flights, see."
He reached behind one of the desks, dragged his harness out and flipped it over. And there it was. The modification that would keep several of us from sleeping for days. Right there in the middle, he'd cut a 2cm diameter hole.
Miss Sudds just about fell off her desk, while the rest of us simply grabbed our jackets and went to the pub, several of us with eyebrows that would take several days to come down.
"Böth händs äre pretty büsy ät täkeöff änd böth legs äre üsuälly döwn döing söme sört öf rünning, jögging ör simply fläiling äröund wäiting tö be cälled intö äctiön düring äny ünexpected impäct right?", he said. "This döesn't leäve müch in the wäy öf limbs äväiläble för detäching ä speedbär, döes it?"
"I suppose not.", said Wendel our head of all things technical.
"Sö why nöt üse äll yöür nätüräl resöürces?", he pressed on.
"Err....", we said collectively.
"Ärse cheeks", he announced.
"Err....", we said collectively.
"Ärse cheeks", he repeated. "Why nöt simply clench the bär in yöür cheeks änd releäse it when äirbörne?"
We paused, uncertain where this was going. Images of naked, middle-aged Swedish men running from saunas and rolling in the snow briefly flashed though more than one mind in the office and Silvia Sudds, personal assistant to the Chief Editor, actually put her camera back in her handbag.
"Clench the bar between your cheeks?", enquired Wendel. "But surely just sitting on it would be good enough? To release it you'd just need to lean forward and it'll fall down, right?"
"Nö, yöü dön't ünderständ. The bär isn't between yöür ärse änd the härness! The bär is ünderneäth. Belöw the härness.", he wasn't giving up.
"I give up", said Wendel, "You'll need to draw me a picture or something."
"Nö need!", announced Big Bill, "I've älreädy mödifed my härness änd given it ä few test flights, see."
He reached behind one of the desks, dragged his harness out and flipped it over. And there it was. The modification that would keep several of us from sleeping for days. Right there in the middle, he'd cut a 2cm diameter hole.
Miss Sudds just about fell off her desk, while the rest of us simply grabbed our jackets and went to the pub, several of us with eyebrows that would take several days to come down.
Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts