Average size pilots can already be seen quietly sneaking into their PG stores and trying to pre-order the new wing with the whispered phrase, "Give me an extra-extra-small one", while at the other end of the very same counter guys the size of Sumo Wrestlers can be heard confidently flopping their bellies on the counter and proudly shouting, "I'd like a Small please".
The NovaX policy of messing with the sizes has been around for years now, and it is with the release of the new NovaX "McPhat" that it has finally become obvious where they got their inspiration from. Although on the surface the name appears to relate to the Egyptian god of "light salads with a piece of toast" we at Pie believe we have uncovered a hidden meaning.
For years it has been impossible to buy a small McDonalds burger, and likewise, it has become impossible to buy the Fat Boy wing size from NovaX. We spoke to marketing guru Janet Lovely of Satchel & Satchel. "Sizing is just a marketing issue", she said, "and from the look of it, NovaX have simply applied the inverse-McD-rule". She went on, "It makes you feel that your burger is bigger, and your wing is smaller. The more successful McD's are at fattening the population, the more pilots will feel they need a NovaX sized wing to feel good about themselves. In 5 years, who will want to buy a Large Hairwave Mustard VI when they could get a Small NovaX McPhat III?" She continued blabbing about a load of other shite, but we had already stopped listening. She had told us what we wanted to hear. Deep down we had known it all along, it was NovaX marketing bollocks, pure and simple.
Hands Pampas, chief designberger, was again unavailable for comment, but we did find Jonathon Shylock, NovaX Marketing Suit. "If you don't like our naming and sizing concepts, you can piss off", he said, clearly not wanting to be questioned on the subject.
He was, however, rather keen to raise another issue. "At the release of every new NovaX wing we get requests to create literally hundreds of size ranges", he said, "It seems everyone has been brainwashed into thinking that a wing can't fly, or will kill you, if you're not in the top 5% of the weight range. God knows why, but hell, that's pilots for you, all science and no art". Clearly having a bad day, he continued "Have you seen how 90% of pilots fly? It's going to make fuck all difference if they're 20Kg over the top or under the bottom anyway".
"We came up with a great plan in the sales department", he continued, "We figured we should start offering bespoke wing sizes to these plonkers. For the special price of 12,000 Euros we would make one especially for them, fully tested & DHV approved, it would be easy money. We would just ask for their weight and then make it for them, for example, a pilot of 70Kg would get a wing with a weight range of 69-71Kg. We were dead confident it would keep them quiet, that was until Hands pointed out to us that they would also be in the bottom 50% of the weight range and that they probably wouldn't be happy about that either."
By the way, if anyone from NovaX reads this, Team Pie would love a 65-85Kg McDHV2 to demo in central Spain as we think it's likely to be an ass kicker of an XC machine assuming it doesn't cravat easily.
Please.
Hands Pampas, chief designberger, was again unavailable for comment, but we did find Jonathon Shylock, NovaX Marketing Suit. "If you don't like our naming and sizing concepts, you can piss off", he said, clearly not wanting to be questioned on the subject.
He was, however, rather keen to raise another issue. "At the release of every new NovaX wing we get requests to create literally hundreds of size ranges", he said, "It seems everyone has been brainwashed into thinking that a wing can't fly, or will kill you, if you're not in the top 5% of the weight range. God knows why, but hell, that's pilots for you, all science and no art". Clearly having a bad day, he continued "Have you seen how 90% of pilots fly? It's going to make fuck all difference if they're 20Kg over the top or under the bottom anyway".
"We came up with a great plan in the sales department", he continued, "We figured we should start offering bespoke wing sizes to these plonkers. For the special price of 12,000 Euros we would make one especially for them, fully tested & DHV approved, it would be easy money. We would just ask for their weight and then make it for them, for example, a pilot of 70Kg would get a wing with a weight range of 69-71Kg. We were dead confident it would keep them quiet, that was until Hands pointed out to us that they would also be in the bottom 50% of the weight range and that they probably wouldn't be happy about that either."
By the way, if anyone from NovaX reads this, Team Pie would love a 65-85Kg McDHV2 to demo in central Spain as we think it's likely to be an ass kicker of an XC machine assuming it doesn't cravat easily.
Please.
Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes