PMA Newsflash

THE LATEST PMA press release has just been received at the Pie offices and it's hot off the press. For those who may not know the PMA, it's the Paraglider Manufacturers' Autocracy, an association dedicated to protecting the manufacturers from all the other manufacturers of none-rigid, free-flight aircraft looking to get in on their action, such as [insert something here please - Ed], and promoting the fantastisch work being done by the members.

Unfortunately, we would warn readers who obtain a copy of the original document that we don't consider it's content suitable for general distribution, due to the rather bad smell it gives off. At first we thought it might be the printing process, but then we read it. Consequently, we find ourselves unable to publish the document in its entirety, but prefer to enclose some excerpts for your consumption.

For your information and reference, the current FAI definition of a paraglider is:

"Class 3: Hang gliders having no rigid primary structure (paragliders), and which are able to demonstrate consistent ability to safely take-off and land in nil-wind conditions."

Excerpts follow:

"The decision by the PMA to regard 70cm long, 1.5 mm diameter carbon rods, which are tensioned like a bow and sewn to the profiles of a paraglider as 'rigid primary structure' rather than as 'flexible and secondary' was not taken easily. It was preceded by very intensive discussions, which took several weeks. Honest."

"On one side there is yellow, on the other side red, in between we have orange. See, there's the problem right there, no blue. No blue anywhere. None whatsoever. This is just not on."

"The PMA sees the Blozone BPHBP as the first 'tentative step over this line'. Soon it will be followed by machines which will be maxing out the principle of the rigid primary structure. These wings will differ much more from the principle of the traditional, flexible soft-paraglider than the Blozone proto is doing it today. Well, maybe, but please let us instill the panic now."

"The proposal for a revised definition of FAI-Class-3 was voted upon by all PMA members. The polling was heavy, 78% of our members voted. The vast majority, 76% of the voters, chose the definition. Which stands for something right? Lets face it, we're the manufacturers so please don't ignore us. Ok, so 'heavy' might not be the best word, but English isn't our ferst langwage. Besides, 76*78 doesn't give less than 60%, does it?"

"Flexibility is defined by the ability of a component to be bent around a radius of 1cm by 180° without being damaged. This test of flexibility will be executed in at least two perpendicular planes and will be performed when the component is integrated into the glider. Because we say so, god-damn it. They've jumped the gun here for christs sake. We mailed in our new definition to the Oxford English Dictionary and eagerly await their reply."

As you can imagine, here at Pie we took these definitions seriously and decided to take them to the hills and ask regular pilots what they thought. It turned out to be not such a good idea as, quite frankly, most of the questionnaires that were handed back were unprintable, but suffice it to say we can offer a single line summary of pilot reaction:

"Go fuck yourselves, who do you think you are?", seems to just about sum it up.

What? 5-1-2010, you say. But that 1 looks just like a 7.

So it rather looks like we may be 6 months behind with this story. Well... WTF.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident