WHAT THE hell were they thinking? That's the phrase you could hear being banded about in the Pie offices last week when we discovered that those crazy french harness designers have had their sewing machine running at full throttle again. We had heard on the grapevine that they'd been working on something new and revolutionary, but we weren't quite prepared for what we read on our press invitation. Apparently, and clearly upset with the misuse of their language in the German "RearGuard pour Femme" advertising campaigns, SoupAir were naming their new harness the "SoupAir WeichTouch GXT-120i". No messing about here.
We flew down to Annecy for the pre-launch media event two weeks ago with a view to getting all the juicy details, some nice photos and a couple of test-flights, but we came straight back after half an hour. A couple of phone calls and two weeks later and we were back on the plane again to Annecy. This time for the media launch event where at least we would be allowed to test fly the new bum-holder for ourselves.
At first glance we were quite impressed. It had all the usual hallmarks of a SoupAir Weekend Pilots' harness, well designed with functionality clearly in mind, yet still targeting those flying XC. Not too streamlined, but not too chunky, very comfortable and with the superb construction quality we've come to expect from SoupAir. For the fashion conscious and for those with an eye on matching accessories, the new harness is available in five sexy colour schemes, Graphite, Tungsten, Titanium, Iridium & Dark Grey. Even after looking closely we couldn't tell the difference between the colour schemes, they all seemed to be not-quite-black, kind of like black jeans that have been washed three times. SoupAir's Tom "Cheeks" McPain, who worked as the chief tester for the new model, went on record with, "Mmmm... what? Oh. Err, yes, I like the grey one".
When we sat in the harness in the factory simulator we felt just like we were sitting in our own regular harnesses, it didn't seem different at all. We wondered if it was all marketing hype, and we were beginning to think we'd made a mistake flying over. Everything seemed like on most harnesses, the shoulder straps, the reserve container, everything seemed regular. Maybe there were a couple of minor improvements just as you'd expect, but nothing special. Nothing outstanding. Then we strapped ourselves in, and... wait a minute... ooh, that's not bad... actually that feels pretty good... I can't tell the straps are done up... hey, did you notice....
With those initial comments behind us, we'd worked out the main benefit. We could still feel the circulation in our legs and our dangly bits were still where they should be. This harness has been designed for men. It was testicle-friendly, it was your nuts best mate. It was a true nad nuzzler. This harness was comfortable standing up, it was comfortable sitting on the floor, it was even comfortable hanging in the simulator. In fact this harness was comfortable leaning against the wall having a cigarette or propping up a bar drinking a beer. It really, really, didn't cut off the blood supply to your goolies. A world first.
Clearly choosing his moment, Pierre Bolloux (pronounced bolloooocks), SoupAir proprietor, wandered over. He handed us the glossy spec sheet for the harness and quietly strolled off again with a knowing smile on his face. Here, it seemed, was a man comfortable with his product, and no-doubt equally as comfortable in the trouser department too. Wait a minute. What's this? We had reached the "Optional Extras" section in the brochure, and what the hell were ABS, ESP, SIPS, EBD, EBA, DSTC and ROPS? What were these things? Ah, the penny was dropping, this was a harness for men. Toys for the boys, now were were getting it. This was just like reading a brochure for a new car, lots of meaningless initials, tons of sexy photos, plenty of LED's. Anti-lock Braking System, Electronic Stability Program, Roll-Over Protection System. The brochure seemed to be offering options like we've never seen before. Spoilers, fairings, furry dice and much more can be added to this harness to give it the impression of being efficient through the air, while at the same time adding to the parasitic drag and actually slowing the wing down.
Digging deeper in the side pockets we discovered plenty of knobs, dials and switches and also a USB port for direct MP3 playback, whatever that is. Most of the switches failed to work, although the left-most dial did supply us with what the scrolling LCD display described as mega-bass-boosted Dobly 5.1 surround sound, although it just sounded like a 1970's Abba track in stereo to us. Apparently, "Radio 74" is pre-tuned and ready to "rock your ride", something that might need re-tuning for those living away from Annecy. Although after 5 minutes or so, we figured it might need re-tuning even if you flew near Annecy too.
Something of a first in this industry, we feel, is the availability of various packs. The one that really caught our eye and is worth asking about next time you're in your local PG shop is the "City Wanker" add-on pack. Some of the options are clearly targeting those of the concrete persuation, for example, all stitching and piping on the harness is chromed, as are the carabiners, the side pockets stick out an extra 10cm and from the photo in the brochure it would seem there is a "GTi" and a "VTEC" badge on the back. Amazingly, the "CW" pack also contains sufficient power to light the bottom of the harness with blue neon lights, making the pilots arse stand out in a blue glow at landing and will obviously endear him to any passing 14 year old schoolgirl drop-outs.
We did get a nasty surprise when we tried to sit in the harness before deactivating the alarm, and likewise we wished we had been warned about the de-odorising spray that triggers 3 seconds after it thinks you have exited. So please readers, no lifting yourselves up off the seatboard or any other strength testing before first unplugging the fuse.
We left Annecy simply amazed at the technological advances made by SoupAir. The only thing we felt had been missing was a built in BlueTooth SatNav GPS System that would allow hands-off flying with verbal directions to the next turnpoint, however, upon arriving back at the office we got our answer. Marge "Spread" Thinly, Pie head typist, clarified it all for us. "Your bloody joking", she said, "I've never known a man who needed directions in my life. Put them in charge of anything that moves and it's more than my life's worth to suggest asking for directions or checking the map".
They're clever buggers, those French.
Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene