First things first, here at Pie in the Sky we are responsible journalists and as such we're not given to exaggeration. We only deal with facts. It is a fact that Bruce Goldchain, Steve Jamon-Serrano, Rusty Ogler & Avian Tomas are members of the 2007 British Squad heading off to Vanilla and here at Pie we have every admiration for them. They try hard and fly bloody fast and what more could you want from a national team? Especially a team that doesn't have access to dedicated charity websites where starving Ethiopians can donate 14K to help pay their international flight costs, as at least one other country does.
Now at first glance you might be forgiven for thinking, "Wait a minute, Bruce, Avian, Steve & Rusty? That's not the British Team, that's the Hairwave test pilot list from 1999", but you'd be wrong, it's not. Rusty's a Blozone man.
Let's get back to the gossip then. The rumours are suggesting that one of the team has been spotted with, shall we say, complementary headgear. Now any casual observer will have noticed a distinct lack of natural head cover in use by the British Squad. Maybe, like us, you thought it was a team tactic or a sponsors request. The only thing we can be sure of is that with the universal use of helmets in our sport it's not Darwinian natural selection that's provided the Brits with such a streamlined look. But now we have the rumours too, and they do seem to suggest it's not a style these guys have chosen, because we've been told off-the-record that one of the team is now sporting a wig. That's right readers, a wig.
We all know that "Once the grass begins to go, it's time to mow", that's just common sense. Let's face it, no one can survive for long in competition flying with a comb-over. The paragliding pioneers in the early years tried it and soon learned it's simply not compatable with our sport. As always there were a few outstanding exceptions, the 1983 full frontal face-plant performed so elegantly by Dan "Tufty" Trump springs to mind, where the only reason he survived was due to the fact that they could pull him out by his memorable locks.
Likewise, 50cm of long, wavy, flowing hair can be a menace too. Many an aging ACRO star, having tasted death once too often, has turned to XC and comps to prolong his existance on this planet. Having changed disciplines, they've rapidly discovered their gorgeous flowing locks, which got them laid so often while flying ACRO, now just get in the way while checking their glide to goal on the 16 pieces of electronics they now fly with.
Trying to get to grips with these shocking rumours, we sent Pie reporter Vince "Curly" Sassoon off to get some informed comment. He found Hairwave stylist Bruce Goldilocks who was, surprisingly, not too busy to talk to us. "Don't be such a twat", he said, "We're XC comp pilots, we don't give a shit about that sort of thing. So some of us are losing our hair a little, what's the big issue? As far as I know, and these are my friends right, none of us give a toss about that sort of thing. I mean, do we look like ACRO pilots?"
"Where did you hear this?", he continued, "One of us wearing a wig? I've never heard such rubbish and quite frankly I don't believe it, it's bollocks. Wig? Wait a minute, did you say wig? WIG? You idiots. You should find something else to do, you know, you Pie people really are fucking useless. For god sake, it's Rusty. Blozone have got him testing their new near-zero-line speedwings in WIG. WIG, you know? Christ almighty! No. WIG. Ground effect. Go google it or something. Now sod off will you, I've been trying to get this paper aeroplane through my office door all morning."
Right, Wing in Ground Effect. Oh.
Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene