Towering Twat

EPITOMISING THE modest nature for which paraglider pilots are famous, a twat jumped off a tower a couple of weeks ago. Nothing unusual in that, we hear you say, what with the debt crisis, mortgages failing hourly and the stock markets crashing more regularly than a blind skier, there's been a fair few "tower jumps" recently.

Sadly for our sport, however, this one seems to have been strapped to a speedwing.

Dull Chants, paraglider dealer and all-round shy person, seemed to have got away with it though, as his plan to speedfly from the top of an ancient US monument seemed to go without a hitch. For any non-US readers, please note that in the US an ancient, protected, historical monument will be about the same age as your house. Or younger.

On the day in question, it seems the police were nowhere to be seen and he had the opportunity to pull off his stunt. He pulled off a pretty clean exit, followed by what can only be described as a very short top-to-bottom into a flat field and ran off into the sunset. Or as it's better known, the back seat of your mates truck. Well done Dull. Here at Pie we particularly enjoyed the emotional high-fives in the car park. Wa-hooo, go team gonads and where's my double decaf latte?

Unfortunately for Mssr. Chants, and for the public image of our sport, it rather seems that the egocentric side of his nature took over as he then published the video on youToob. Soon thereafter, the overworked and undermanned local police spotted the video, presumably while checking youToob for criminals stupid enough to publish their crimes on the web, and asked the media to circulate it. It wasn't long before Dull was picked up and arrested while laying low in his carefully selected hideout. Paramotoring on an Oregon beach. D'Oh!

So there you have it folks. Do we even need to even say it?

How many branches in the dumb-ass tree did you hit when you fell out Dull? 10,000?

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Records Gallore

NEWS HAS been trickling into the Pie offices over the past few weeks clearly showing that this season is going off like a rocket, especially in the Alps. It's being reported that records are falling like dominoes this year. And it's only May !

Two Austrians, Heli Reichholder and Christoph Edelweiss, posted a 268.5Km triangle in the Alps last month smashing Krigal Moorer's record by a little over 3ft, 6in. A fantastic distance, especially if you consider they were both flying Blozone Arten's. Amazing !

Flying granny, Fiona McCasco, has set a new girls 25Km triangle speed record at a whopping 26.1kph. A fantastic speed, especially if you consider she was flying a Blozone Belta. Amazing !

Lucky Luke Amour set off with a pal on a working holiday recently and appears to have set a new Alpine record of 339Km. A fantastic distance, especially if you consider they were both flying their company wings, Blozone Arleven's. Amazing !

Italian babe Nicole Fidelta set off on the other side of the Alps and flew 208Km, breaking two world records, the girls out and return distance, and the girls 200Km out and return speed records. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider she was flying a Blozone Arten. Amazing !

Another Italian pilot, Ardweeno Per Sello recently flew 267Km and set a new out and return world record. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider he was flying a Blozone Arten. Amazing !

Over the waters in the UK, Mike Cavenagogogoch set new UK standards with open and declared triangle records going under his 92Km flight. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider he was flying a Blozone Emfor. Amazing !

Mike's bonfire seems to have received a bit of a watering though, as his record has been dulled by the news that fellow pilot Brenda Read made a below-the-radar triangle of over 100Km the day before.  A fantastic flight, especially if you consider he was flying a Blozone Arten. Amazing !

Rumour has it that Brenda's flight will not be ratified as he failed to follow the UK rule of needing to start your triangle within 2.5Km of a fish and chip shop. Amazing !

A great start to 2011, and Pie would very much like to congratulate these pilots on their achievements. [we really would - Ed]

We would also like to point out that we noticed a few trends while compiling our list of record breakers...

Firstly, magazines such as Pie and XC-Rag are likely to be the only place you'll read about such records, as the bureaucrats down at the FIA seem to make it so stupidly complex to ratify a record many pilots don't even bother to submit their flights. Even Maurer's record is not recognised.

Secondly, it really is amazing that these records are being set using the full spectrum of paragliders available on the market today. Here at Pie we'd always thought that at any given time there is one dominant wing manufacturer but, as you can see, the facts speak for themselves.

Dial up some more Pie next month when we publish the results of our exclusive investigation where we uncover how many other manufacturers are still out there. [so far we've counted 3 - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Dear Kitt

LAST WEEK we received a letter addressed to the editor. In itself not an unusual occurrence, let's face it we receive several every week, but this particular letter stood out in that it wasn't directly insulting the Pie editorial team or complaining about our reporting style.

So we read it.

It seems to be a copy of a letter addressed to one of the British Team Leaders, Burkitt (Kitt) Rud, a man who needs no introduction in some elemental circles. Strange we got a copy though.

We can only assume that by copying us the author would like his views aired. So as a leading international paragliding magazine, and no stranger to stirring muddy waters even further, we're happy to oblige.

Quote:

Dear Kit,

It is with regret that I find myself in a position where I feel obliged to resign my team place for the forthcoming World Chumpionships in Piedraheater.

As you know from our discussions I have become very concerned over the last year about the safety and thus the wisdom of flying the recent two-line competition gliders. This concern is three-fold.

Firstly, I strongly believe I'm too old for this shit.
It has been brought to my attention recently that I now have children and that getting myself killed chasing a ridiculous trophy is simply a risk I cannot justify any more. It rather seems my risk analysis over the past 20 years has been so flawed that I have repeatedly put myself in harms way, simply for the glory. This has to stop. "No more", I found myself saying to the mirror while shaving last week, "It's just not worth it". Besides, with kids in tow, the chicas won't even look at me twice, trophy or no trophy.

I just can't do it any more, Kitt !

Secondly, I'm clearly far too fat for this fucking sport now.
It's killing me you know. I can't even find a bloody wing to fit me and it seems to me that these two liners aren't strong enough for us lard asses. I am unusual in that I fly at weights well over 120Kg and I can tell you that at this flying weight you spend a lot of time wondering just how strong the anchor points are into the sail. Well, I do anyway.

In any case cutting more and more lines out of paragliders and making the remaining ones thinner is, in my opinion, dangerous and stupid and having seen a couple of gliders with line failure already last year I’m not prepared to keep taking the risk.

I just can't do it any more, Kitt !

Thirdly, these newer gliders are, in my opinion, and from evidence I’ve seen with my own eyes during competitions, almost irrecoverable by even very highly skilled pilots if they have large frontal collapses. It is true they collapse less but also true that if this happens the results are often catastrophic. Scary!

I just can't do it any more, Kitt !

I was hoping for some sensible direction from CIVL towards a safer and more enjoyable future but, as has so often been the case in the past, the recent plenary meeting pretty much decided to do nothing. As you well know, of course, I've always been a bit naive.

If a pilot like me cannot control a competition glider under all circumstances then the sport is rotten to the core and in need of change. Unless, of course, I've lost my bottle.

During conversations with you and with other team members I can see that there is a tacit pressure to fly the highest performance machine available (and therefore often the least safe) even if the pilot doesn’t feel capable enough to fly one. The best pilots in the world taking risks, I never saw that one coming!

How nice it would be if we could all go flying in the morning safe in the knowledge that we’d be coming home to our families safe and well again in the evening. (and with a trophy or two under our arm)

Best regards and good luck to the team,
The Braymanator
====

Well there you have it folks. Make of it what you will, but it rather seems that whoever he is, he's had enough of this shit. Or is simply too old for it. [and he just can't do it any more, Kitt - Ed]

[too tempting to pass up, Mark - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Whittling Away

NEWS IS beginning to come in that Mike Klung, the self-styled ACRO guru and self-taught crotchet champion, has taken on the challenge of breaking Robbie Whittler's altitude record.

"What altitude record?", we hear you say. Well, the greatest height gain above takeoff has been held for years by "Whittling" Bob Whittler and was set way back in the days before electricity [1993 - Ed] in the South African heartland [XC-Rag take note - Ed] [They did Ed - Ed]. Very little is known of the "dark ages" of paragliding but, given the right motivation, very little escapes a Pie journalist.

Back in "the day", when sky-blue, yellow and purple were considered a good colour combo for your flight suit, it seems that setting records simply involved getting up early on a sunny Wednesday morning, clipping in and going for some flying.

Thus was set one of PG's longest standing records, taking off and climbing out 4526m above takeoff. In fact the record is so bloody old it's in the FIA records as record number five.

Yes, that old.

Over the years, many people have claimed to have broken the record, Le-Roy Westerhaus and those old jet-flap freaks down at Skytalk have made a claim and Eva Withoutskis was probably in with a chance back in 2007 had she only remained concious throughout. But when all's said and done, none of them seem to have been ratified by those old codgers down at the FIA, so the Whittler's record has remained virgo-intacto for nearly 20 years.

Until now, of course.

Next up is Big Mike Kong, the Big Klunk, the Kling, the Klang, the Klung. [Enough - Ed] Well, whatever you want to call him, that guy who showed us all how to walk over a Ford Focus is going to have a lash at it and in keeping with the spirit of aviation record breaking he's keeping it simple.

He's simply going to show up and "have a go" in the Himalayas with 7 or 8 fellow pilots and a small support team of 20 or so. Let's face it, carrying that wing to the 4700m takeoff would be a bitch without a few Tenzing's doing the hard work. He also seems to be armed with the full backup of the marketing dudes down at U-Burn and it's said they'll only have enough oxygen for 3 months. So the pressure will be on then.

Good Luck Mike!  [ overuse of sarcasm here - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

The Blozone Ali-G

EVER FOUND yourself on take-off wishing for a bit more peace and quiet? Often find yourself surrounded by loud-mouthed "experts" telling everyone the best thing to do? Regularly find yourself walking away from your gear just to find a rock to sit on away from the other pilots? Eat your sandwiches away from the crowd do you? Well, do ya punk?

This month we think we've got the solution for you and we're pretty confident your over-crowded take-off problems are soon to be a thing of the past. Or so it would seem.

Two weeks ago we received a demo version of some new kit designed specifically to tackle this problem and, we have to say, it certainly looks promising.
 
Introducing the "Blozone Ali-G: Bullshit Reduction Device".

That's right a shiny new bullshit reduction device from those top-cats down where all the good mountains are.

Upon opening the box, we immediately realised we were looking at something special. We were impressed with the stitching, and we felt the colour scheme meant we'd never lose it on takeoff. Of course, as they think of everything, they'd even included it's own little bum-bag so you can carry it with you at all times.

Keen to give the gear a quick test-run, we dumped the lot on the floor of the editors office and set about it. We found the compressed-air gas can (supplied) and hooked it to the input nozzle. Simple, quick and easy, and within 2.3 seconds we had a fully inflated red and white "Blozone Ali-G" sitting on the editors desk.

That's right folks, a metre-wide, red and white inflatable donut. Presumably for sitting on.

We felt it was pretty big though, but then not everyone has a bony arse, of course. It sure was comfortable too, and will be perfect for sitting on those cold mountain-top rocks away from the buzzing crowds and the interfering wuffo's.

So no more haemorrhoids for the Pie staff then. That's a relief.

[ Are you telling me that your comp wings are so damn efficient that you really want the option of a drag chute to get down safely? I take my hat off to the designers of what you guys are flying - Ed ]

[ You don't wear a hat, Ed - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Blozone: The New Novum

YOU CAN imagine our surprise when a courier arrived at the Pie offices last week with a hand-written press invitation to this years Pamala award ceremony. It surely sounded like a great opportunity to dust off the old tux, re-teach ourselves how to tie a bow and see if the cummerbund still met in the middle.

For most of our readers the highly regarded and somewhat prestigious Pamala's will need no introduction, but for those new to our sport a Pamala is about as high an award as you can get if you are a paraglider manufacturer. A Pamala, or "Pammy", is not just a fatuous blonde bint with big fake tits and a penchant for videoing herself, it's also the Paraglider Marketing & Arse Licking Awards.

A Pamala is given annually to those manufacturers deemed to have excelled themselves in the art of self promotion, exaggerated claims, or to have proven themselves more than competent in the art of floating bullshit across slow moving water. So, clearly we were happy to roll up and see if we could get a free drink or three.

Standing beside the red carpet in Piccadilly Circus last week in the gentle London rain, with Jenson "Snapper" Pargo the Pie photographer, our roving reporter Jasmine Dreamz could be seen thrusting her microphone into the face of anyone who looked like they might know the difference between a brake pulley and a speedbar connector.

Here's Jasmin's report as the stars arrived:

Jasmine: "Hands! Are you feeling confident this year? Novum usually do very, very well at the Pammys!"
Hands Pampas: "Fukk offt"

Jasmine: "Your recent move to Advansed must give you call to feel that all is not lost Bruce?"
Bruce Goldchain: "Fuck off"

Jasmine: "Luke, come-on just a quick word for our readers, they want the inside track on your latest 30 patent applications"
Lucky Luke Amour: "Fooook off"

Jasmine: "Gyn, long way to come huh?"
Gyn Tonic: "Phoook off"

Jasmine: "Pendry, what the fuck are you doing here?"
John Pendulum: "Job interview next door with Barclays Financial Services"

Jasmine: "Mike, surely with the BBpBHp, the BabyFace, the BabyBlue and your new SharkBait you must be feeling like you've got it in the bag?"
Mike Cavanagogorgogh: "Fuck off"

So not very forthcoming then.

Luckily, after the ceremony Jasmine managed to get into the post awards party and with the microphone hidden where only a microphone can be, managed to get a few illicit recordings of our high-rollers celebrating the outstanding sweeping of the board by Blozone this year. Unfortunately, most of the revellers were a bit worse for the wear and we're not quite sure who to attribute some of the comments to, but the unedited clips are here in all their glory:

"... I know, I know, we knew we had it nailed when the fucking thing came out the modelling software..."
"... Hairwave bollocks! I can't even spell it these days.. yes please, another white wine..."
"... Hands put that down, you didn't get one this year..." 
"... shark, fucking shark, can you believe it..."
"... fuck Blozone, they're full of shit ..."
"... it's genius boyz, we'z fuckin' genius's..."
"... patents my arse, it fucking marketing, the sly shits. Wish we'd thought of it..."
"... did you see when Mike slipped on the stairs, we nearly shat ourselves laughing..."
"... is that a microphone between your legs or are you just pleased to see me.."

So there you have it readers. Blozone, top marketeer of the year.
8-time Pammy Award winner, swept the boards, and pretty much sweeping the floor with all the other manufacturers as we speak.

[ for non-native English readers, "shark" is also a verb - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Nigerian Trainees

KEEN TO spread the word about paragliding as far and wide as possible you can imagine our delight when we received an overseas request for more info from Nigeria, of all places. The guy seemed to be interested in one of the ex-demo wings we had for sale in our small ads on the inside back cover of our online magazine. Always happy to pass on PG news, views and advice, here's the story.

Happy to strike up an online conversation with M'Bwana B'nana III, a surpisingly keen young pilot from Abuja, we replied to his email immediately. He seemed happy to purchase our wing for the price we were asking for, which somewhat surprised us as we had expected to enter a long and winding road of negotiations. After all we believed Nigeria to be a relatively poor country, on a global scale. Of course, at this time we were unaware of M'Bwana's Royal connections, but as we later learned, he probably wouldn't worry too much about a couple of thousand for a used paraglider. After a few weeks of bouncing emails off each other we settled on a means of payment and awaited his bank transfer. As soon as it arrived we shipped the wing. We also sent the extra cash, because, as it turns out, from inside Nigeria you can only transfer 10,000 EUR minimum, otherwise they get stung with 120% taxation. Bastard governments, we thought.

A week or so later we were chuffed when our new friend and Royal Prince, got in touch with us again and asked if we would like to be involved in helping his grandfather get some of his money out of Nigeria. It seems that since the decline of a moral and decent democracy, the new junta has clamped down on anything over 10 million leaving the country. Keen to help a fellow paraglider pilot we agreed to let his frail, aging gramps use our business accounts to transfer the funds. Like you would. Fellow pilot in need, and all that. M'Bwana said his grandad would let us keep about a half a million or so as a kind of thank-you. Well, that would come in handy when the Christmas party rolled round for sure.

Well that was 4 weeks ago now and, since then, we've started to get a bit worried about M'Bwana. If anyone knows if EasyJet fly to Nigeria we'd be pretty keen to have a timetable of their scheduled flights. We're quite desperate to get a cheap flight out there, because we've been checking and it seems M'Bwana may not be fully qualified to fly the EN-D wing we sent him and the last thing we would want is for him to hurt himself. We thought we'd take a trip out there and help train him ourselves and while there, maybe take in some of the tourist sights, some local cuisine and hopefully get a bit of our own African airtime.

M'Bwana must be away from his email at the moment. He hasn't replied to our requests for info on the nearest airport to all the paragliding sites out there. Be sure though, we'll let you know how we get on.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video