AS KEEN observers of our beloved sport, and as pilots, Team Pie have noticed changes in paragliding over the past 10 years or so. Significant changes. Ten years ago there were 2 main free-flying disciplines involving aircraft that could be supported by a family car, and with pricetags that could be supported by a family income. Hangliding or paragliding, no more, no less. It really was that simple in the old days, you were either a HG pilot with a rusty old white van, a pair of ripped jeans and a baggy jumper or a PG pilot with a 3 year old red BMW, a shiny flightsuit and a filofax. You either preferred taking your wing out the boot of your car, up a hill and flying away, or you liked fixing an old ladder to your van, strapping your wing to it, unloading it at the drive-up launch site, rigging it up for an hour, de-rigging it, moving it to the westerly launch, rigging it up again and err... flying away. HG or PG, even the initials were short and sweet, how simple it was in the good old days.
These days, however, even if you've chosen to fly a floppie you still have a lot of options to choose from, there's SPG, PPG, ACRO, SPR, D-BAG, or any of the other hybrid sports. As Cowper said, "Variety is the very spice of life", and here at Pie in the Sky we couldn't agree more. As journalists, we were clearly going to be writing about these new and hybrid sports, and after an hour poring over the dictionary it quickly became obvious we would need help, so we decided we'd better get out there and talk to some of the people doing them. Or better still, listen. After many weeks travelling the globe and watching, interviewing and even trying these new sports we decided it would be a good idea to publish a summary of our findings.
So here it is folks, the Pie Mini-Guide to free-flight related sports that are like paragliding, but aren't quite paragliding, but they are almost, but they're slightly different, if you know what we mean. No? Well, read it anyway, maybe you'll understand when you have.
SPR, also known as Suicidal Para Riding, is generally considered a winter sport where a "skier" guides a wing the size of a large hankerchief down a mountainside at speeds approaching freefall terminal velocity. The L/D of these wings is such that they scream down a mountain, blasting over & through pine trees, with the occasional, and sometimes controlled, bounce off the planets surface. If the pilot survives the four minute "flight", they then use their ski-pass to get back up and have another go. Pie strongly recommends the purchase of daily ski-passes, as they often do not require photos and as such are transferrable, allowing your friends to use your pass once they have scraped you off the rocks. Ski-resorts have become popular locations for SPR as surviving pilots seem to have recognised the unique landing properties of snow. For some reason, it would seems that SPR hasn't, as yet, taken off at the warmer and more rocky flying sites. Team Pie recommends SPR if you have experienced the beauty of living, are bored with it, and would like to move on.
PPG, also known as Painful Paragliding, involves strapping a lawnmower, a fireguard & 10L of moped fuel to your back and taking-off from a flat field somewhere not too far from your house. PPG pilots are usually back where they started within 45 minutes when the fuel runs out and they generally don't stray too far, for fear of not being able to glide back with the 20Kg of wing and 25Kg of lawnmower on their back, therfore saving themselves from a bloody long walk. The "Pain" can usually be moderated well through the use of specially designed ear-defenders. Specially designed for the pilot only sadly, as they do very little to reduce the pain of the 300 people and animals they fly over during their 45 minute spin from the same bloody place three times a week. Consequently, this branch of our sport is generally considered more annoying then your neighbour cutting his grass when your having your afternoon snooze. Team Pie recommends PPG if you find driving up to launch too tiresome or if you live in Holland.
HGB, also known as Hang Bored'ing, involves waiting all winter until you are so bored that you have the choice of either jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge or stapping yourself into a HG like position suspended by wires below some steel poles, which in turn are bolted to the top of a snowboard. Think about it for a second. Hanging like a HG pilot from wires, 50cm above the ground, on a snowboard, while facing, err, the snow. Why? Stearing, apparently, is through the use of weightshift and a rudder controlled by your feet so further adding to the pleasure of watching white stuff fly past 30cm from your nose. We never could fully understand this one although once strapped into this device it might be mildly entertaining to throw yourself down a ski slope once or twice, but we imagined the fun might wear off after a few head first collisions with large conifers. Pie recommends HGB if you live in California.
SPG, also known as Suicidal Paragliding, involves strapping yourself into a paraglider that under normal conditions would be referred to as a kite and going flying in conditions only suitable for lifeboats and other emergency vehicles. The name of this sport is often confused with SPR, due to them sharing the word suicidal, but after extensive research we have concluded that, although confusing, these names are as accurate as any other. The SPG pilot can usually be seen setting up in the middle of a raging storm while wrapped in 5 layers of windproof clothing. At the very same time all other PG pilots can be seen entering the bar having given up on the entire day. The sport is very similar in concept to what, for 20 years, has been called gale hanging, only this time they really mean it. The well clothed pilot can usually be seen hanging under his kite in a storm, then hanging in the trees behind takeoff and, finally, hanging around hospitals and insurance offices in the vague hope that someone else will pay to fix both their broken leg and their wing. Pie recommends SPG if you read about the Eva Withoutskis fiasco, felt somewhat envious and wished there was a video.
D-BAG'ing, also known as Debagging, involves jumping off something with a paraglider instead of a parachute, often bridges or helicopters. Why anyone would choose a paraglider when jumping off a bridge is a mystery to the Pie reporters, but the advantages of jumping from a helicopter are clear. The paraglider pilot finds himself with plenty of altitude, and lots of time to "do things", such as consider how he's going to pay the helicopter bill when he gets back down. The helicopter pilot, on the other hand, finds himself back in the bar 20 minutes later with a load more cash and a promising little sideline. At launch the glider is held within a deployment bag which at first glance would seem to be designed to allow the wing to open smoothly, safely and well below the platform being leapt off. On further examination it becomes clear it is actually designed to allow the pilot to be both recognisable and to look cool in the video being filmed from the platform. Team Pie can't recommend D-BAG'ing, as we simply don't have the balls for it and we don't know anyone who has. We do, however, think you must need very large ones and also a disproportionate level of trust in that guy holding the bag.
ACRO, also known as Airborne Chronically Repetitive Overdosing, is a type of flying where a pilot puts his wing into strange, often repetitive, cool-looking and pointless configurations in the simple hope of getting laid later that night. Unknown to many European ACRO addicts, although pretty obvious to all non-ACRO pilots, you must hold a South American passport if you wish to fully succeed in ACRO. Many non-latinos try and fail at ACRO, while possessing the required top-notch flying skills, they almost all fail miserably in the post-flight phase. They can usually be seen talking about flying and gesturing wildly with their hands in a male-only crowd at the back of a bar, whereas the latino guys can generally be found relaxing on the terrace with a cuba-libre in one hand, a girl or two in the other, and are most likely talking about football and what to have for dinner. Good ACRO pilots are usually members of a "team", as they do not normally just show up at 3000ft above a beach and pull some strange stunts without an audience, where's the fun in that? The normal practice is to ensure at least two friends are watching before starting and then to land on the beach at the bottom of a spiral and proceed to do a high-five with another "team" member while shouting the "team" mantra. The mantra will usually conform to the standard of "Go Team Gonads" or some other "team" name that implies lots of adrenalin & above average sized testicles while clearly demonstrating a lack of team sports participation at a younger age. Team Pie recommends ACRO if you are Venezuelan.
TBTTGFPG, also known as Too Busy Talking To Go Flying Paragliding, is a popular sport and can be seen at sites worldwide. In colder countries the TBTTGFPG pilots can often be seen huddling together behind huts, cars and ridges while animatedly talking about a whole range of subjects including cars, football, women and occasionally the flying they did last year. In warmer countries, the very same pilots can be seen having the very same conversations, but usually in the shade of a large tree. The top TBTTGFPG pilot will often use special equipment for his sport including frisbees, baseballs and footballs, but the true professional can occasionally be seen with a large dog, thus giving a clear sign of having no intention to fly whatsoever. If at all possible the groups of TBTTGFPG pilots should be avoided, as this sport can be very addictive once you've got the hang of it. Team Pie recommends TBTTGFPG if you only started flying paragliders to get a break from the wife & kids, or as short term therapy after an accident.
TSTLRPG, also known as Too Scared to Leave the Ridge Paragliding, is a more traditional form of paragliding, in which a pilot always flies within 1.2Km of his car. The TSTLRPG pilot is usually a very accomplished ridge soarer but, surprisingly, really shows his top wing handling skills when thermals start cycling through. The pilot will allow himself to thermal up and back, although never to cloudbase, and usually no further than 0.8Km behind the ridge, where upon he will apply big-ears & bar in order to get himself back within his safety margin, approximately 250m from his car. They constantly fight the natural, instinctive impulse of simply "turning and going with it", an impulse which has left many a pilot with a long walkout and a missed supper. TSTLRPG is quite popular in colder countries where the inbred instinct to keep out of the rain is so deeply ingrained that the pilot finds himself unwilling to start an adventure for fear of getting stuck 2 hours away from his umbrella. Team Pie recommends TSTLRPG if you have to get home for dinner at 7 o'clock.
TWEYTGLWPG, also known as Thermalling While Enjoying Yourself and Trying To Go a Long Way Paragliding, or occasionally XC, is another traditional form of paragliding. In this branch of the sport a pilot who loves the mountains and wants to spend his spare time up a hill enjoying the scenery, eventually taking off and flying as far as he can, actually does so. Although quite an elusive breed, the TWEVTTGLWPG pilot is often "out on the hills flying", rather than at home fighting with technology, cables, video formats and web pages in an vain attempt to publish some shit no-one will read, to people they've never met. They can be difficult to contact as they are also known to turn their mobile phones off, as they somehow seem to know that the caller can simply wait, which was news to us at Pie, as we were unaware mobile phones could actually be turned off. The TWEYTGLWPG pilot actually enjoys the flying, enjoys the adventure and enjoys the hitch back later in the afternoon. This may seem strange to many regular pilots, but these pilots seem to talk less about flying, they hang around less on launch, and they can often be seen steadfastly walking along the side of a road with an uncomfortably heavy rucksack on their back, their thumb sticking out and a large smile on their face. Team Pie recommends TWEVTTGLWPG if you are well balanced, own more than one fleece jacket and have never read Pie in the Sky.
Take your pick.
Pie would just like to add one little snippet and quote Cowper again, "No wild enthusiast could rest, till half the world like him was possessed", so whatever it is from this list of crazy sports that gets you out of bed in the morning, please remember, you can't spread the word so widely from a hospital bed.
Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos