French FUBAR

OUTSIDE THE French speaking world little is known about the guys down at Nervers, but all that is about to change. Here at Pie we're happy to break the news that, thanks to a little translation work and a wicked sense of humour, we could be looking at the new Blozone. Albeit without the same addiction to red.

"Nervurs?", we hear you say. "That small company that sell wings to the Frenchies?". That's right, "Nurvous". They've been at it for years, selling small volumes of French-made wings to French people, in French, in France, the French way. And good on 'em, we say. That was until last year, of course, when it seems they've decided on a new approach.

Last year, it seems, they took their first tentative step to widen their market and dabbled a toe in the English speaking world. It would seem the waters met with their approval, because this year they are following through with a full-on assault on the mainstream market. Oh yes. You heard it here first.

During 2009 they released their new lightweight mountain wing, the "LOL", and it now seems clear this was simply an early sign of their new direction. This winter, it seems, they will be rolling out a whole fleet of new wings.

The all-new Nervieous 2010/2011 lineup:

Their beginners model, the CWOT-AFAIK, already has EN-A cert & is available in all colour schemes.
The shiny new intermediate, the STFU-BTDTGTTS, is due to be one of this years top sellers.
Their sports EN-C wing, the FTBSITTTD, is already flying off the shelves. Red is sold out.
Their serial class wing, the WTF-DILLIGAF, is due to take the comp scene by storm this year.
The open-class, MTFBWY, has Blozone worried as it has more carbon than a Chilean coal mine.
Their tandem, the RUUP4IT, is due to become standard place at beach resorts all over the Med.
Last years mountain wing, the LOL, is already due to be replaced with their new ROTFLMAO.

So there it is folks, a short list of this winters new releases from those MOFO's down at Nervurs. Get AFK, go AWOL and take one for a test flight. It'll probably be a head-turning son of a bitch.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2009 "A320 Hudson River" bridge collision

Finding Pie

WE ALL know how to find things on the net right? Just pull up your old friend google and get searching, we all do it. For many of us it's part of our job, sitting there day after day using the google search engine to help us with technical issues or find reports that let us do the job of two people for only one salary. Long gone are the days when you phoned down to the office clerk and he or she looked up the details for you and called you back.

These days, if it's worth knowing, google and friends will have it indexed, cache and referenced for you. All you need to know are three or four key words that will get it on the first page of the search results. Let's face it, when did you last read the second page of results? You just refined your search terms right?

Well, it would rather seem that many readers are simply too daft to save a bookmark and have to google us when they fancy a slice of Pie. Unknown to many surfers, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, these search terms are available to us here at Pie. Yes, that's right, we can see what you [Yes, you - Ed] typed into google to find Pie. So we've taken a sample of your search terms and here's what we've found.

Quite frankly, it beggars belief that the second most popular search is "latin jocks", and it's the number one search used by Canadians. Whatever these girls (or guys) are looking for, we're pretty confident their not going to find it here at Pie. Likewise, "naked figures" features quite highly, and we're a little worried for those who've been using the 17th most popular search "xxs condom". The consensus here in the office is that we'd be pretty quick to clear our browser caches if we had to search for a pack of 3 using the phrase "xxs". Again, we can only presume that the guys who were looking for "blonde marketing" may have been a little disappointed to discover paragliding satire, rather than a Wonderbra ad designer. The least said the better about those who were searching for "pie in her face" as we also felt it rather suggested an unhealthy interest in something left-of-centre.

You couldn't make this stuff up. And we didn't.

We would also guess that someone has been looking for old friends, when we spotted the search "Thomas Pie", which we concluded was our old friend and part-time wedding photographer, Avian Lomass. We're also confident that top designer Hands Pampas has been looking for us as several searches for "Sky Vings" resulted in a visit to Pie, or maybe a group of travelling German pilots have been trying to find the BPHA online magazine. Of course, we hope they eventually did.

There are some more abstract searches that have led the casual visitor to us, "things could be worse", for example, is a rather strange search and we hope they eventually got in touch with a self-help charitable organisation that could be of more help. Google has a strange way of relating their results too. For example, some visitors were searching for "skypax", a FedEx type parcel service, and yet Pie appears fourth in google's search results. Go figure.

3 years ago when releasing our "Manilla 2007 Mini-Special" celebrating Bruce Goldchain's victory at the Worlds we, among other lighthearted endeavors, defined the verb "Brucin". Of course, at the time we never imagined we really were in the process of defining it, but as it can now be found as the fifth definition on wordsdomination.com clearly we were. Please do try and keep this in mind next time you're playing Scrabble and are down to a few difficult letters.

So there you have it readers, it really is a strange world-wide-web and clearly the all-seeing, all-knowing, internet God does not, in fact, know it all. Let's face it, when your start out in business calling your new enterprise "BackRub", would you really expect to become the worlds biggest provider of internet search results? Just google it, they really did!

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2009 "A320 Hudson River" bridge collision

Outed

HERE WAS an unusual issue we thought, upon receiving a letter recently. The letter described how a pilot has clearly been having some local issues with, shall we say, his personal lifestyle choices. Now here at Pie, we're proud of our open-minded attitude towards anyone and everyone. Whoever you are, whatever you are, wherever you're from and whatever you choose to do in the privacy of your own leather-studded underpants is your own business. This is our attitude towards just about everything we do here at Pie, and it's served us pretty well so far. We do, however, understand that there are people who take a dim view of others who don't agree with them or who choose to live life differently from themselves. The Spanish Inquisition could be a case in point, for example.

So we were happy to offer what help we could for poor old Charlie when he wrote to us saying that he'd been quickly outed at his local flying sites and has been having some problems with his gear ever since. We could imagine the small-minded locals getting upset with someone they thought as different to themselves. We could imagine them making some last-minute adjustments to his harness when he was taking that final piss on takeoff. Something to scare him off perhaps. Something that would help him decide to find another flying site maybe.

Bastards.

We decided against phoning in advance or emailing, instead we headed on over to the coastal sites south of Barcelona where we thought we would just roll up and try and witness some of this bigoted behaviour first hand. After checking their sites guide we headed over to the Ginebra-Rosa takeoff and sat down waiting to witness some of this unacceptable behaviour towards a fellow pilot. After a couple of hours or so, a small guy rolled up with a big glider bag and an even bigger smile on his face. Perhaps this was our man, we thought. We chatted for ages, asking him about the site, the local conditions, what to expect, when the sea breeze kicked in, all the usual visiting pilot questions flowed forth. Carlos seemed really happy for the company and more than willing to impart what seemed to be years of local experience. After an hour or so he seemed to think this might be about as good as it got, and started getting his kit unpacked. While doing so, he turned to us and asked a question.

"I 'ath been a wondering, ever thinth I got thethe new mothquetoneth wether they are thetup right.", he said in heavily accented English. "I 'ath been a 'aving thome ithues with them. I 'ath even thent thome letterth athkin' for 'elp, you know. Perhapth you could 'av a quick look. You guyth theem like you ith well travelled, tho perhapth you could thee if I've inthtalled them right. Would you mind 'avin' a quick look at my thetup?"

"Of course", we said, happy to assist in any way.

"I ith uthin' thethe new Charley Quickly Outed'th, and I jutht can't theem to get them to thtay in correctly. Maybe therth a thpethial thing I needth to do.", he said.

"Charley Quick Outs you say?".

Bugger.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" video

AN Other

YOU MUST be kidding, they want to what? This seemed to be the general reaction around the office when news started coming in that the Assian Paragliding Union (Do-APU) were planning on setting up another parallel testing regime and certification standard. For those with short-term memory problems, let's have a quick refresher course in how not to set international standards, shall we.

Many years ago in a land not so far far away there were two groups of people, both had the interests of pilots at heart and both wanted to see good, repeatable testing performed on paragliding and hang gliding equipment. There was a group called Le-AFNOR and another called Za-DHV and they constantly battled each other on the fields of Europe for years boring the shit out of paraglider pilots worldwide with their inability to actually agree on anything.

In the blue corner we had Le-AFNOR who were promoting a "laissez faire" pro-EU, live-and-let-live testing regime and in the red corner Za-DHV were chaffing at the bit with hundreds of years of demonstrable engineering talent and showing signs of having spent rather too long in a Schardenfreudian Dominatrix Dungeon in Munich.

Several battles were fought and they even continued on after Le-AFNOR had renamed itself Le-EN and it's testing had been renamed LTF (dubbed Less Than Fair, by many). Eventually Za-DHV, found itself with its back against the ropes, it's trousers round its ankles and trying to stem the bleeding from its nose. The fatal blow to the famous proboscis arrived when the relatively local manufacturers ganged up and organised themselves into an association. Certain pronouncements were made, and they were made in a tone of voice most of us will remember from childhood.

Most memorable among these declarations was the one beginning "For fuck sake, stop acting like overpaid, spoiled assholes and join the EN testing regime or we will stop using your testing facilities you twats." This seems to have done the trick as within a year or so, Za-DHV modified its testing and finally came in line with the rest of Za-World.

So it was with great trepidation that the world of free-flight opened its curtains on an overcast Monday morning in September, took a big yawn and uttered the words, "Bloody hell, not again".

It would seem that Do-APU seem set to try and repeat history, but this time in Asia and they're calling their shiny new tests AN. Very imaginative.

Luckily, of course, we can examine history, learn from our mistakes as a mature, wise sport and ensure they're not repeated at the expense of Joe Pilot.

History gives us a few pointers so we can know what to expect. Looking carefully, we can see plenty of examples of western cultures treating middle-eastern and far-eastern groups with the respect and courtesy one would expect from mature societies. The Westerners have almost never simply ignored local wishes and ridden over the people and their culture without a care in the world. Neither have western civilisations invaded these parts of the world and massacred entire populations at the whim of a cretinous inbred hereditary monarch with all the mental prowess of a 4x2 piece of Nordic Pine. Oh no.

So... good luck with that then Mssrs. Do-APU and Co!  [Or should we just call you Steve - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" video

White Wash

WHITE IS the new black! It would appear that some manufacturers have begun running out of certain colour materials and are being forced into producing one-off colour combinations to satisfy demand for their best-selling gliders. According to industry rumours, one manufacturer has almost entirely run-out of white cloth.

We can imagine that it's pretty difficult to predict the demand for specific colours when a new glider is released, and we'd like to assist the manufacturers by asking pilots to be as patient as possible when waiting for their new baby to arrive. Pilots should also try to keep in mind that it's not just the customers that are suffering. The latest gossip suggested that demand is now so high for white cloth that top management at some PG manufacturers are being forced make changes.

"This is no joking matter!", said Calvin Cavanaghgogogoch, chief head of Blozone.

"I haven't been forced to make changes like this since I was in my 20's for god's sake, and trust me, that was a bloody long time ago sweetheart", he told on-the-spot Pie reporter Maribel "Rose" Culottes.

"It'z just zee white colour, yes? Zo zee zituacion can't be zat bad, can it?", enquired Rose.

"Listen love", he continued, "When I showed up at the office last Monday, did anyone say 'Good Morning', 'Salut', or 'Fancy a coffee Mike?' Did they fuck!"

"I beg your pardonne?", replied Rose.

"They just asked me if I was wearing white kecks and then proceeded to frog march me to the lav's.", he continued. "Before I knew what was going on, they'd locked me in the cubicle and had chucked a pair or red Y-fronts over the door. They said that we all have to make sacrifices when running a small business and now it was my turn. They then informed me that they'd all being going commando since week last Tuesday, and the entire production department has been completely naked under their overalls all month."

"Last I could work out, my pants were last seen as part of the upper cloth of a DHV-2 wing being loaded into a DHL van and heading for Scotland.". He continued, lowering his voice somewhat, "I'll let you into a little secret, there's a pilot in Holland that's actually quite happy with his new glider and he's totally oblivious to the fact it's entirely made of the R&D departments shreddies. We called him to ask how he was getting on and the feedback was actually very positive. He told us that his early morning flights are significantly improved, so maybe this is something we'll look into in the near future."

"Of course, that's assuming Russo or Luc don't get frostbite in St Andre. You know, our boys are over there right now proving our outright domination of all things waypoint-driven, and they're doing it without their lucky pants!"

Here at Pie, we openly admit to knowing less than sod-all about wing design, but we know a fair bit about underwear, and we're sincerely hoping these revelations can assist with future wing design in some way.

Let's face it, wouldn't it be great if you could just throw your wing in with the whites at 40°?

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" video

Lonely Ad Sense

NOT BEING blessed with powerful advertisers here at Pie we simply rely on visiting readers choosing to click on the occasional ad. Although we know good advertising when we see it [Look right - Ed], we're not experts in the field and so rely on those who know what they're doing to place ads on our pages. We couldn't help noticing, however, a slight typo in some of the ads that have been appearing.

As a well reputed, and occasionally respected, "international magazine", Pie is dedicated to our fantastic sport in all it's forms and tries to promote paragliding in any way we can. We're always pleased to see others doing the same too. Therefore it was with some considerable surprise that we noticed a major typo on the part of our fellow journalists over at XC-Rag.

We've tried to contact them to point out that they might consider purchasing a new dictionary but, as summer's not quite over yet, we're presuming that they're all out enjoying the skies rather than replying to the emails, voicemails and literally hundreds of answerphone messages we've left. Hopefully one of their hacks will read this, realise their mistake and fix it.

Enclosed below is a quick snapshot so they can see the error for themselves:

The word "lonely" is not spelled "only". Simple mistake, anyone could make it.

After further deliberation, we concluded that by inadvertently using the word "only" in their online advertising they are making a completely different statement, albeit unintentionally. They may not even realise that this single word changes the way the entire sentence reads.

Obviously another typo in the busy day of a bunch of professional PG journo's and here's hoping they can find the time to make the quick fix.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" video

Off Bar

AFTER THE July investigation into speed systems, how deployment may be improved and the brief, and somewhat painful, discovery of the 101 ways to hurt your private parts with velcro, it seems one of our intrepid reporters has been giving the whole concept more thought. It's common place, for those flying without a stirrup, to stow the bar under the seat with velcro or a strap of some description and releasing this during the first few minutes of flight has been a constant, consistent, continual, consecutive, continuous and continuing difficulty for pilots worldwide.

Last weekend, while hanging about launch at a comp, Vilhelm 'Big Bill' Schlönginhänd, Pie's Scandinavian reporter, was struck with an idea. Knowing what it's like to try and stop a 2m tall, 125Kg Swede with a plan fixed firmly in his head, we decided to let him do whatever the hell he wanted. So we reached for our cameras and stood back.

Big Bill's idea was simple enough, although as it turned out, not to everyones taste.

"Böth händs äre pretty büsy ät täkeöff änd böth legs äre üsuälly döwn döing söme sört öf rünning, jögging ör simply fläiling äröund wäiting tö be cälled intö äctiön düring äny ünexpected impäct right?", he said. "This döesn't leäve müch in the wäy öf limbs äväiläble för detäching ä speedbär, döes it?"

"I suppose not.", said Wendel our head of all things technical.

"Sö why nöt üse äll yöür nätüräl resöürces?", he pressed on.

"Err....", we said collectively.

"Ärse cheeks", he announced.

"Err....", we said collectively.

"Ärse cheeks", he repeated. "Why nöt simply clench the bär in yöür cheeks änd releäse it when äirbörne?"

We paused, uncertain where this was going. Images of naked, middle-aged Swedish men running from saunas and rolling in the snow briefly flashed though more than one mind in the office and Silvia Sudds, personal assistant to the Chief Editor, actually put her camera back in her handbag.

"Clench the bar between your cheeks?", enquired Wendel. "But surely just sitting on it would be good enough? To release it you'd just need to lean forward and it'll fall down, right?"

"Nö, yöü dön't ünderständ. The bär isn't between yöür ärse änd the härness! The bär is ünderneäth. Belöw the härness.", he wasn't giving up.

"I give up", said Wendel, "You'll need to draw me a picture or something."

"Nö need!", announced Big Bill, "I've älreädy mödifed my härness änd given it ä few test flights, see."

He reached behind one of the desks, dragged his harness out and flipped it over. And there it was. The modification that would keep several of us from sleeping for days. Right there in the middle, he'd cut a 2cm diameter hole.

Miss Sudds just about fell off her desk, while the rest of us simply grabbed our jackets and went to the pub, several of us with eyebrows that would take several days to come down.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1933 "Graf Zeppelin No Smoking Sign" thefts