McNova Sizing

WITH THE release of what seems to be a stunning new DHV-2 wing, NovaX International have once again flown in the face of public opinion and maintained their controvertial sizing strategy. The new wing will be available in the usual NovaX sizes XXXXS, XXXS, XXS, XS & S, once again confusing the buying public.

Average size pilots can already be seen quietly sneaking into their PG stores and trying to pre-order the new wing with the whispered phrase, "Give me an extra-extra-small one", while at the other end of the very same counter guys the size of Sumo Wrestlers can be heard confidently flopping their bellies on the counter and proudly shouting, "I'd like a Small please".

The NovaX policy of messing with the sizes has been around for years now, and it is with the release of the new NovaX "McPhat" that it has finally become obvious where they got their inspiration from. Although on the surface the name appears to relate to the Egyptian god of "light salads with a piece of toast" we at Pie believe we have uncovered a hidden meaning.

For years it has been impossible to buy a small McDonalds burger, and likewise, it has become impossible to buy the Fat Boy wing size from NovaX. We spoke to marketing guru Janet Lovely of Satchel & Satchel. "Sizing is just a marketing issue", she said, "and from the look of it, NovaX have simply applied the inverse-McD-rule". She went on, "It makes you feel that your burger is bigger, and your wing is smaller. The more successful McD's are at fattening the population, the more pilots will feel they need a NovaX sized wing to feel good about themselves. In 5 years, who will want to buy a Large Hairwave Mustard VI when they could get a Small NovaX McPhat III?" She continued blabbing about a load of other shite, but we had already stopped listening. She had told us what we wanted to hear. Deep down we had known it all along, it was NovaX marketing bollocks, pure and simple.

Hands Pampas, chief designberger, was again unavailable for comment, but we did find Jonathon Shylock, NovaX Marketing Suit. "If you don't like our naming and sizing concepts, you can piss off", he said, clearly not wanting to be questioned on the subject.

He was, however, rather keen to raise another issue. "At the release of every new NovaX wing we get requests to create literally hundreds of size ranges", he said, "It seems everyone has been brainwashed into thinking that a wing can't fly, or will kill you, if you're not in the top 5% of the weight range. God knows why, but hell, that's pilots for you, all science and no art". Clearly having a bad day, he continued "Have you seen how 90% of pilots fly? It's going to make fuck all difference if they're 20Kg over the top or under the bottom anyway".

"We came up with a great plan in the sales department", he continued, "We figured we should start offering bespoke wing sizes to these plonkers. For the special price of 12,000 Euros we would make one especially for them, fully tested & DHV approved, it would be easy money. We would just ask for their weight and then make it for them, for example, a pilot of 70Kg would get a wing with a weight range of 69-71Kg. We were dead confident it would keep them quiet, that was until Hands pointed out to us that they would also be in the bottom 50% of the weight range and that they probably wouldn't be happy about that either."

By the way, if anyone from NovaX reads this, Team Pie would love a 65-85Kg McDHV2 to demo in central Spain as we think it's likely to be an ass kicker of an XC machine assuming it doesn't cravat easily.

Please.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

Stuffed Turkey

TIME WAITS for no man says the famous proverb, and just to prove it Christmas is almost upon us once again. Can you believe it?

No matter whether you love it or hate it, you will most likely find yourself at a christmas party, so here at Pie we would like to do our duty and remind all pilots that drinking and flying just don't mix. Rumour has it, that a small continental beer or two might be acceptable at take off and that it might even improve the enjoyment of a summertime afternoon flight in the Alps, but just remember everyone, play it safe over Christmas.

Don't misunderstand us here, Team Pie are the first to stand in line for fun and merriment, the main reason you probably haven't heard about last years Pie Xmas Party is that that no-one can remember enough to relate the story. All we know for sure is that the company credit card was charged for a private helicopter charter and the purchase of 6 camels. We have since found several Turkish Massage tickets and 3 parachute bridles labelled Achmed's "Reach for the Sand" BASE Jumping School, definite signs that fun was had, although maybe less so for the camels.

On a more serious note, our advice over the holiday period is to try to plan ahead where possible. If you find yourself with a group of fliers and you're off out on a bender, allocate a designated pilot at the start of the evening to make sure he'll get you all home safely. If no-one wants to be Sober Simon, you can always book tandem flights in advance, especially when you know everyone is likely to be drinking to excess. Don't wander out into the streets at 3am hoping to flag down a tandem on spec, have it pre-booked. Don't leave it to chance.

Please, if you do find yourself at a party with a few drinks down and thinking, "I've only had a couple, I'll fly home, no problem", just try and resist it. It really is asking for trouble. Most, if not all, 2am paragliding disasters start with "I'll be OK, I feel fine", and end with the loss of an IPPI licence, a night in the police cells and a tree-landing video on youTube.

If you think the evening could become epic and maybe turn into an "all-nighter" or even a "weekend event", then it can often be useful to have a list of local guides on hand. They are always happy to be contacted day or night and will usually come out at short notice to act as paid XC-guides. They can be expected to call on many years of experience with the local conditions and will both guarantee a good night out and a safe final glide to bed. The younger fly-guides, usually from the mediteranean countries, can also assist in finding a final-glide partner allowing a little late night horizontal ACRO.

If things don't work out as planned and you do find yourself out there wandering the hills in your underpants at 4am with a PG rucksack on your back, a sprained ankle, a camel in tow and no recollection of how you got there, then try to remember the three-in-one Pie-approved Alpine Survival Technique; "lie down and wrap yourself in your wing", "get a few hours sleep" and then "get to the nearest bar and have a large whisky". Works every time.

Don't be a statistic this year. No soaring while smashed.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

The Speeding Bullet

IS IT a bird, is it a plane? No, it's a Frenchman in a condom.

Yes, that's right readers, French Letters are back in fashion in the form of the new "Coqoon Sportif". This latest piece of engineering genius is being developed by "Lucky Luke" Ardant in conjunction with Air France Toiletries S.A and Fun Animal Balloons Inc, Florida.

None of the journalists here at Pie had ever seen anything like this before, so we were desperate for the facts.

It was difficult, but we finally found someone who could keep a straight face long enough to speak. He told us that the project is well on the way towards production and that a planned release date for the new "Coq", as it is becoming known, has been fixed for early next year. He couldn't be specific with respect to pricing, but he was confident it would be no more than 250 Euros for a pack of 3 and at only half a kilo, a "paquet" of three will easily fit into an average wallet.

We managed to collar Jean-Paul Loopiere one of their test pilots for a brief comment. "Last saturday I got lucky", he said in broken English, "Conditions were marginal and I don't think I would have penetrated without the "Coq". J'étais being blown for 10 minutes or peut-être and I found I could push out much further than before". He continued, "It's positivemently smooth, man, so clean through the air. You can feel the drag falling off. It's a great sensation, so sensative, like being silicon lubricated or quelque chose."

Technical details of the new "Coq" are a little sketchy due to the secretive nature of the project, but as far as we can tell there seems to be "instrument access" just below the pilots navel, and a "ballast dump" facility towards the rear. We've also heard rumours about the optional extras that are likely to be available from your dealer, such as a papier-mâché steering system, a sunglasses holder and a place to stash your Gitanes, but we can't confirm these as yet.

We have it on good authority that the "Coq" will be available in a variety of guises targeting different sectors of the paragliding market. Initially, the plan is to release the "Coq" in standard form using the street tested names, "Gossamer" & "Elite", suitable for first time users and those who want a natural feel to their enclosed flying. The initial release is due to be quickly followed by the "Featherlight", "Sensation" & "Performa" models specifically tailored for top competition pilots. Beyond that they have plans for the "Extra Safe" model which, apparently, will allow pilots to fly with rear-mounted reserves.

We have, however, heard some rather discouraging reports relating to recent test failures. For the DHV1-2 pilot they have been struggling to find a solution since the wind tunnel disaster of the "Ribbed" model, and apparently the least said about the in-flight insect problems they've had with the "Fruity Flavours" designs the better.

Play safe people.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

Winter's Here

AS USUAL at this time of year we find ourselves at a bit of a loss. What are we going to do now that winter has set in? That's the question here in the northern hemisphere offices of Pie in the Sky. What to do?

The wing has been checked over and the reserve repacked. The cow shit has been scraped off the harness and the batteries removed from the electronics. So now what?

We know what you're thinking, there must be lots of things to do. After all, non-flyers do things with their days don't they?

Indeed.

What shall we do when we can't fly? How do we fill that time as we clockwatch once again? What are we going to get up to waiting for spring to roll around once again? What indeed? Things to do to fill the time. Things to be getting on with to occupy our minds, to keep our hands busy. Things that don't involve flying.

If you have any ideas please mail them to the pie office using the link at the bottom of the page. We might be good, but we don't have the answer to every fucking question.

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

Tree Landings

EVER WONDERED what it's like to actually screw it up so bad you go in?

That's right, trees. Those big, green, spiky buggers that seem to surround us wherever we fly. Most of us at sometime have been close to going in, plenty of us have come away with a few branches and some of us have even bounced off 'em. Now this is a subject close to the heart of the Pie Chief Editor as only this past year he took a metre off the top of an oak tree stalling it into a postage stamp of flat ground surrounded by forest, on top of a pass, in rotor. That's right, on top of a pass in rotor, and yes, that does take some sensationally fucked up planning.

But what about those that actually go in, those that don't get so lucky?

"Well, you're gonna lose a nut at best", said Lefty McSwagger, the famous outback settler and Canadian XC pilot. "We all think we can get away with it, and so often we do, but it's just a matter of time you know", he continued in his whiskery way, "You can fly the logging country for 10 years and think you're untouchable and then one day you come back and you're not quite the man you were".

"Once you know you're going in", he went on, "Best thing to do is just get into the arms-open, bear hug position, keep the speed up, close your eyes and kiss your left nut goodbye. I did, and look at me".

Seeking an alternative viewpoint we spoke to West Canada Wilderness Commision spokesman, James "Howlin Wolf" Algonkian. "Well, from the trees perspective it's a real bummer, man", he said "we don't think they like it at all".

Realising our mistake, we got back on message and caught up with world famous stuntman, Joey "Ice Man" Pfarr for some further, more appropriate comment. "Ever since my stunt in Valle de Bravo, people just come up to me on the hill and ask for my advice", he said.

"People seem particularly interested to understand the technique I used to get that 10cm twig from my lines", he continued, "although I do get the feeling they just don't understand how dangerous it was. I mean, I was dangling in a life threatening position 50m up a wobbly spruce tree. To remove a 10cm twig in those circumstances takes self control and persistance you know, and all this was preceded by a 500m reserve ride remember. No-one seems to remember how in-control I was under that reserve and the succent and precise radio transmissions I was making. I was there man, they were just watching on youTube for christ sakes. Why can't the bastards just leave it, it's been over a year and a half now."

It's all right Joe, we understand. We've been confused in this sport ourselves, you're among friends here.

"Mind you", he added, "it's lucky I didn't lose a nut".

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes

The Name Change

AS SOME of you may know, the worlds sole remaining superpower can be very decisive when it wants to. It can mobilise its $400billion army in mere weeks, it has landed men on the moon, it can photograph a licence plate from space and it can even give you your money back if your fries are cold. Pretty impressive, but here at Pie we think there are times when, quite frankly, they haven't got a fucking clue what they want.

The guys down at the US Hang-Wing-Floaty Association (USHWFA) have been considering a name change and we've all been watching from a distance. To some it's simply interesting, a diversion maybe, but to many of us it's been a rather amusing affair. To summarise, the association has simply been grappling with the concept of "Making sure your name represents your membership", and like most other grown-up organisations they are learning to adapt through time. As is usual in these cases they can't decide for sure what they do, who they represent and if they can define it properly.

The US are, as always, a few years behind everyone else as they clearly wish their in-house fighting to be available online through the use of the latest "as-it-happens" technologies. When the Brits went through this same undignified process 10 years ago, it was mainly done behind closed toilet doors using rumour and gossip as the main means of communication and maybe a bit of email bouncing off the EuroPG list server. Americans should take note though, the Brits did screw it up sufficiently enough to end up with 2 associations, the BHAP, a national association representing HG & PG pilots, and the BHCP, a national council representing a small group of people who got all upset because they didn't get what they wanted. The Yanks, however, are playing this one out in widescreen, and it's all available for download on a broadband link near you. Dimpled chads and all.

Salvation is at hand though, dudes. Unlike the Brits 10 years ago, the Yanks have "Pie in the Sky" to offer a helping hand and it is with great pride and a feeling of just wanting to help out some old friends that we at Pie would like to present a solution. That's right we've got the name for your shiny new association. The US Unpowered Pilots Flying United in Common Knowledge Amalgamated Society, the US-UPFUCKAS. That's right, it's us up fuckas.

Just imagine the members renewed sense of purpose on the hill, "Who are you?" the wuffos will ask, "It's Us Up Fuckas", will be the cooler than cool reply, and when the time comes that you need help filling out that insurance claim, "Who you gonna call? UpFuckas, that's who". When you need to renew your membership just get on the phone and dial "1-800-UpFuckas", no problem remembering that phone number now. Think about it, the marketing opportunities are positively endless, the kids these days would love to be a member of the "UpFuckas Possie", the membership would soar and the merchandising will fly off the shelves. Most important of all though, the "www.usupfuckas.com" website is still available, so there'll be no upsetting your membership by choosing one of those mickey-mouse internet addresses. With a ".com" in the bag the members will always find your website first time, it won't be necessary to try ".com", ".org", ".info", ".net" or ".aero" when they want to read your latest updates.

Keen to street-test our new proposed name we popped into Gory Pines and got some on-the-hill opinion. Although we didn't get much comment, here's what the locals had to say:

   "What? They changed the name to USHPA in March, you dumb-fucks."

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1977 "Airport '77" underwater scenes