Shocking News Report

WE RECEIVED an anonymous newspaper clipping in the post this month from a UK newspaper regarding a PG accident. The report blatently described paragliding as, quote:

"... a group of relaxed pilots flying aerofoils that are capable of foot-launching from gently sloping hilltops and flying considerable distances using only thermic activity".

Yes, we know what you're thinking, but wait there's more. It went on:

"... entering severe turbulence his wing was pushed behind him in what is known as a full stall. While trying to recover the situation the wing entered a cascade of events none of which the pilot could recover from. As a last resort he threw his reserve parachute which only partly opened..."

Stop the presses. What the hell is going on here? None of the Pie journalists had ever seen anything like this before, at least not in the last 35 years of paragliding. To say we were shocked at this level of irrisponsible journalism was to put it mildly.

Your intrepid reporters at Pie got on the case immediately, we needed to put things right. We wrote letters of complaint, we filled up their inbox's, we called their hotline. We even threatened to send round (the original) Rod B. We wanted to make sure this never happened again.

Luckily, the hacks down at the East Wendsleydale Evening Echo printed a retraction the very next day where they re-worded the whole story.

"Apologies for yesterdays screw-up", it read, "A para-hang-wing-jumper suffered an accident over near the old quarry yesterday. The victims friend and fellow para-rider Pete Peterson said it was clear he had been hit by a freak gust of wind known as the thermal-tidal-wave-effect causing his para-hang-craft to implode and both para-hang-wing-chute and rider to fall like a stone. For those who don't know paragliding, it's a high risk sport involving adrenalin junkies jumping off cliffs after being towed into the sky behind speedboats. The victim, John Johnson, a member of the "XXX Paradrena-Deathwings Club", is now well on his way to recovery in the Princess Diana ward of the local hospital, etc, etc"

Job done.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

British Team Scandal

RUMOURS OF a new scandal have been arriving at the Pie offices over the past few days, rumours so unbelievable that we couldn't bring ourselves to, err, believe them. How could he? Why would he? Surely not one of the British, they look so honest. Which one is it?

First things first, here at Pie in the Sky we are responsible journalists and as such we're not given to exaggeration. We only deal with facts. It is a fact that Bruce Goldchain, Steve Jamon-Serrano, Rusty Ogler & Avian Tomas are members of the 2007 British Squad heading off to Vanilla and here at Pie we have every admiration for them. They try hard and fly bloody fast and what more could you want from a national team? Especially a team that doesn't have access to dedicated charity websites where starving Ethiopians can donate 14K to help pay their international flight costs, as at least one other country does.

Now at first glance you might be forgiven for thinking, "Wait a minute, Bruce, Avian, Steve & Rusty? That's not the British Team, that's the Hairwave test pilot list from 1999", but you'd be wrong, it's not. Rusty's a Blozone man.

Let's get back to the gossip then. The rumours are suggesting that one of the team has been spotted with, shall we say, complementary headgear. Now any casual observer will have noticed a distinct lack of natural head cover in use by the British Squad. Maybe, like us, you thought it was a team tactic or a sponsors request. The only thing we can be sure of is that with the universal use of helmets in our sport it's not Darwinian natural selection that's provided the Brits with such a streamlined look. But now we have the rumours too, and they do seem to suggest it's not a style these guys have chosen, because we've been told off-the-record that one of the team is now sporting a wig. That's right readers, a wig.

We all know that "Once the grass begins to go, it's time to mow", that's just common sense. Let's face it, no one can survive for long in competition flying with a comb-over. The paragliding pioneers in the early years tried it and soon learned it's simply not compatable with our sport. As always there were a few outstanding exceptions, the 1983 full frontal face-plant performed so elegantly by Dan "Tufty" Trump springs to mind, where the only reason he survived was due to the fact that they could pull him out by his memorable locks.

Likewise, 50cm of long, wavy, flowing hair can be a menace too. Many an aging ACRO star, having tasted death once too often, has turned to XC and comps to prolong his existance on this planet. Having changed disciplines, they've rapidly discovered their gorgeous flowing locks, which got them laid so often while flying ACRO, now just get in the way while checking their glide to goal on the 16 pieces of electronics they now fly with.

Trying to get to grips with these shocking rumours, we sent Pie reporter Vince "Curly" Sassoon off to get some informed comment. He found Hairwave stylist Bruce Goldilocks who was, surprisingly, not too busy to talk to us. "Don't be such a twat", he said, "We're XC comp pilots, we don't give a shit about that sort of thing. So some of us are losing our hair a little, what's the big issue? As far as I know, and these are my friends right, none of us give a toss about that sort of thing. I mean, do we look like ACRO pilots?"

"Where did you hear this?", he continued, "One of us wearing a wig? I've never heard such rubbish and quite frankly I don't believe it, it's bollocks. Wig? Wait a minute, did you say wig? WIG? You idiots. You should find something else to do, you know, you Pie people really are fucking useless. For god sake, it's Rusty. Blozone have got him testing their new near-zero-line speedwings in WIG. WIG, you know? Christ almighty! No. WIG. Ground effect. Go google it or something. Now sod off will you, I've been trying to get this paper aeroplane through my office door all morning."

Right, Wing in Ground Effect.   Oh.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

SoupAir GroundBreaker

WHAT THE hell were they thinking? That's the phrase you could hear being banded about in the Pie offices last week when we discovered that those crazy french harness designers have had their sewing machine running at full throttle again. We had heard on the grapevine that they'd been working on something new and revolutionary, but we weren't quite prepared for what we read on our press invitation. Apparently, and clearly upset with the misuse of their language in the German "RearGuard pour Femme" advertising campaigns, SoupAir were naming their new harness the "SoupAir WeichTouch GXT-120i". No messing about here.

We flew down to Annecy for the pre-launch media event two weeks ago with a view to getting all the juicy details, some nice photos and a couple of test-flights, but we came straight back after half an hour. A couple of phone calls and two weeks later and we were back on the plane again to Annecy. This time for the media launch event where at least we would be allowed to test fly the new bum-holder for ourselves.

At first glance we were quite impressed. It had all the usual hallmarks of a SoupAir Weekend Pilots' harness, well designed with functionality clearly in mind, yet still targeting those flying XC. Not too streamlined, but not too chunky, very comfortable and with the superb construction quality we've come to expect from SoupAir. For the fashion conscious and for those with an eye on matching accessories, the new harness is available in five sexy colour schemes, Graphite, Tungsten, Titanium, Iridium & Dark Grey. Even after looking closely we couldn't tell the difference between the colour schemes, they all seemed to be not-quite-black, kind of like black jeans that have been washed three times. SoupAir's Tom "Cheeks" McPain, who worked as the chief tester for the new model, went on record with, "Mmmm... what? Oh. Err, yes, I like the grey one".

When we sat in the harness in the factory simulator we felt just like we were sitting in our own regular harnesses, it didn't seem different at all. We wondered if it was all marketing hype, and we were beginning to think we'd made a mistake flying over. Everything seemed like on most harnesses, the shoulder straps, the reserve container, everything seemed regular. Maybe there were a couple of minor improvements just as you'd expect, but nothing special. Nothing outstanding. Then we strapped ourselves in, and... wait a minute... ooh, that's not bad... actually that feels pretty good... I can't tell the straps are done up... hey, did you notice....

With those initial comments behind us, we'd worked out the main benefit. We could still feel the circulation in our legs and our dangly bits were still where they should be. This harness has been designed for men. It was testicle-friendly, it was your nuts best mate. It was a true nad nuzzler. This harness was comfortable standing up, it was comfortable sitting on the floor, it was even comfortable hanging in the simulator. In fact this harness was comfortable leaning against the wall having a cigarette or propping up a bar drinking a beer. It really, really, didn't cut off the blood supply to your goolies. A world first.

Clearly choosing his moment, Pierre Bolloux (pronounced bolloooocks), SoupAir proprietor, wandered over. He handed us the glossy spec sheet for the harness and quietly strolled off again with a knowing smile on his face. Here, it seemed, was a man comfortable with his product, and no-doubt equally as comfortable in the trouser department too. Wait a minute. What's this? We had reached the "Optional Extras" section in the brochure, and what the hell were ABS, ESP, SIPS, EBD, EBA, DSTC and ROPS? What were these things? Ah, the penny was dropping, this was a harness for men. Toys for the boys, now were were getting it. This was just like reading a brochure for a new car, lots of meaningless initials, tons of sexy photos, plenty of LED's. Anti-lock Braking System, Electronic Stability Program, Roll-Over Protection System. The brochure seemed to be offering options like we've never seen before. Spoilers, fairings, furry dice and much more can be added to this harness to give it the impression of being efficient through the air, while at the same time adding to the parasitic drag and actually slowing the wing down.

Digging deeper in the side pockets we discovered plenty of knobs, dials and switches and also a USB port for direct MP3 playback, whatever that is. Most of the switches failed to work, although the left-most dial did supply us with what the scrolling LCD display described as mega-bass-boosted Dobly 5.1 surround sound, although it just sounded like a 1970's Abba track in stereo to us. Apparently, "Radio 74" is pre-tuned and ready to "rock your ride", something that might need re-tuning for those living away from Annecy. Although after 5 minutes or so, we figured it might need re-tuning even if you flew near Annecy too.

Something of a first in this industry, we feel, is the availability of various packs. The one that really caught our eye and is worth asking about next time you're in your local PG shop is the "City Wanker" add-on pack. Some of the options are clearly targeting those of the concrete persuation, for example, all stitching and piping on the harness is chromed, as are the carabiners, the side pockets stick out an extra 10cm and from the photo in the brochure it would seem there is a "GTi" and a "VTEC" badge on the back. Amazingly, the "CW" pack also contains sufficient power to light the bottom of the harness with blue neon lights, making the pilots arse stand out in a blue glow at landing and will obviously endear him to any passing 14 year old schoolgirl drop-outs.

We did get a nasty surprise when we tried to sit in the harness before deactivating the alarm, and likewise we wished we had been warned about the de-odorising spray that triggers 3 seconds after it thinks you have exited. So please readers, no lifting yourselves up off the seatboard or any other strength testing before first unplugging the fuse.

We left Annecy simply amazed at the technological advances made by SoupAir. The only thing we felt had been missing was a built in BlueTooth SatNav GPS System that would allow hands-off flying with verbal directions to the next turnpoint, however, upon arriving back at the office we got our answer. Marge "Spread" Thinly, Pie head typist, clarified it all for us. "Your bloody joking", she said, "I've never known a man who needed directions in my life. Put them in charge of anything that moves and it's more than my life's worth to suggest asking for directions or checking the map".

They're clever buggers, those French.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

PG Holiday Scam Alert

IMAGINE THE delight in the Pie office when we discovered an online offer for a weeks paragliding in the sub-tropical micro-climate near the Sierras in Southern Spain for the great price of 150 EUR per person, travel included.

We were fighting each other for the phone I can tell you, the entire team had a quick vote and we rapidly realised we all wanted to go. Luckily there was no limit on the tickets you could buy, so we booked one.

"This offer must have been buried on page 2 of the google search results", said fictional reporter Jane MeQuickly, adding "I've searched hundreds of times for cheap PG holidays, but never thought to press the button."

We awaited eagerly for our flight tickets, the schedule and the enevitable cute little hand-drawn map from the airport to the swimming pool in our newly found pilots paradise.

Imagine our shock 3 weeks later when we opened the shiny envelope and discovered the following; a return coach ticket to Victoria Bus Station in London and a one-day Super-Saver underground ticket, a voucher for a medium McDonalds meal, a reservation in the 'SeaView Suite' of a 2-star London hotel, and wait for it... a single front row ticket to see a 1970's Rock Band who we thought split up 15 years ago.

We couldn't understand what had gone wrong. Put simply, we were confused. The covering letter was talking about some Eagles soaring and a Final Sell-out "Californian hotel at the end of the road" tour. If you can shed some light on what we did wrong we'd be most grateful.

Meanwhile, we've asked for our money back and we'll let you know how we get on.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

L/D, Hype or Hysteria?

WHY DO perfectly sane pilots seem to go off their head every 18 months and chuck out the perfectly good wing they've just got used to, only to order a new one for a net gain of 0.168 L/D? What is 0.168 of advertised glide ratio exactly and can we believe these published figures?

That's right readers, time for some Pie testing. We read all we could on the subject, we called the experts at Tight-Schwirm, bought a tape measure & a new notepad, sharpened our pencils and decided to have a go.

We begged, borrowed & stole 284 of this years models within the DHV 1-2 class and headed off to Piedrahita. A 3000ft TTB with sprawling flatlands out front so we could get full use of the tape measure. Oh, and plenty of cheap beer for the post testing analysis. We flew all 284 wings off the top of Pena Negra at the exact same time, same weather, same altitude, same everything. We asked the pilots to remain motionless, not to touch a god-damned thing and to refain from any form of intervention including talking on the radio and farting. We also hand-launched a bag of potatoes in a harness as the control subject, King Edwards for the really curious.

Local expert, British pilot & all round red-head Steve Jamon-Serrano showed up as we were laying out and seemed quietly curious, "What the fuck are you wankers doing?", he asked in unusually direct language, "You won't prove a god-damned thing testing in these thermic conditions. Jesus wept, what next? Err, hey, let me get away first will you."

Well, we'll let the results speak for themselves. Varying distances were achieved with most wings hitting the dust within the expected, pre-determined distances between 2.1km and 14.8km from launch. We did have one or two surprises though. We felt the free beer for the night should have gone to the bag of potatoes which somehow thermalled it's way over the pass and landed on the far side of Avila for the flight of the day at 82.3km, and 15k over Steve's head.

Our initial test results clearly showed some of the manufacturers figures were a little off, in fact some could be said to be entering the realms of fantasy, but quite surprisingly the makers of the wing the potatoes were strapped under have been incredibly conservative with their estimates.

Desperately looking for input from any manufacturer, we contacted Crapco Aviation head, Natalie Coenstein. Speaking from his headquarters in downtown Ancient Judea, he told us, "What? Glide Ratios? We make them up, just like all the other players in this market. I mean. What did you expect? You call us up asking us questions, of course we get upset."

So, Glide Ratios then, Hype or Hysteria and do we really need to upgrade every 18 months?

Hype and Hysteria, and probably not. That's the concensus of the opinionated, self proclaimed experts here at Pie.

Oh, and the first $1000 cheque to arrive at the Pie offices will receive an email identifying the manufacturer of the wing the potatoes were strapped under.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1982 "Airplane II" sliding door scene

New PG Mag

AFTER YEARS of reading the latest flying tips in the glossy magazines, we finally have a magazine for the weekend flier. That's right, the weekend pilot. Yes, you.

"Top To Bottom" magazine is now on the shelves and is selling well apparently. It would seem there actually is a market for a magazine catering to the weekend wombat who spends most of his time thumbing a lift back up to launch.

Issue One went on sale in January and here at Pie we've been putting into practice their great tips with considerable success. We are happy to report that our XC distances have positively crashed since trying some of TTB's tried & tested advice, and in such a short time too. Just in case you haven't read it yet we won't spoil too many surprises, however, we couldn't call ourselves a respectable investigative magazine if we didn't mention a couple of titbits from deep within these well thumbed pages.

The "Don't fly with more than you can carry back up" article has been a real eye-opener and most of the handy hints have now been adopted by the flying crew here at Pie. Our very own editor, Rod "Falta de Huevos" Bailout, was overheard saying, "Fuckin' hell, is that in kilo's? Pamela love, can you send someone in to help me out this friggin' harness, and get me that bloody magazine will you."

We also took great pleasure in pointing out the "All the gear and no fucking idea" article to one of our more annoying local pilots Jeremy "Gadgets" Smythe, and surprisingly we haven't seen him, his Range Rover or any of his flashing LED's at our local sites since.

Best of all, we felt, was the ass-kicking advice from TTB columnist Matt "Weekends" Wittler about what to do if you forget to turn your vario on before launching. Simply priceless, and why we never thought of it before is beyond us. His tip regarding your gloves, however, does need to be re-read a few times to be sure it really sinks in.

Yet again we got lucky, and managed a scoop telephone interview with Piers "Puffer" Morgan, TTB editor. He's obviously feeling quite pleased with the early results, "It's unreal really", he said, "It was an idea I had while on the toilet reading XC Mag. The photos are sexy all right, but I just couldn't relate to it anymore. It just wasn't me I was reading about and I knew I'd have to leave work really early to get to Valladares before sunset."

He went on to confirm, "Sales are booming, we've had to issue several print-runs just to meet the demand. Unexpectedly, we found that many of the subscriptions have come from the readership of our existing magazine "Bombing Out", aimed at the XC beginner. With TTB we think we're really hitting the mark for the weekend pilot. We're sure we've got the level just right and the investment we've already made is... Oooh. Er, hang on.... To the top? Yeah, that's right.... er, I'll call you back!"

And that was that. Incidentally, here at Pie we're looking for someone who could assist us in testing the "Top 10 Tips on thumbing a lift from 1.25km away" as we simply can't get the bloody wings down to the ground that fast. Any takers?

Pie in the Sky 
Funnier than the 1782 "Montgolfier Brothers Bottled Gas" webcast